weepyseeds

Miss

2011-08-21T21:36:00.004-05:00

I miss things.

I used to miss the bus when I was little.
I miss appointments.
I sometimes miss church.
I miss a meal. (rare)
I miss seeing things at the mall.
I miss Donnie and Marie.
I miss seeing a friend when she comes into town.
I miss the oak tree near my dad's garage.
I miss my Mazda with it's 6 disc CD changer.
I miss the moon when it's cloudy.
I miss my jewelry and home movies which were stolen in 1989.
I miss my Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir CD.
I miss owning sheep.
I miss answering the phone in time to know who has called.
I miss Razorback football when it's out of season.
I miss looking young.
I miss good dreams.

I miss Jae.

I don't even like to say the word "miss" and her name at the same time.
It seems to trivialize a horribly deep chasm of loss.

But tell me another word which says the same thing and easily fits into most conversations?
Yearn?
Pine?
Long?

I miss my future grandchildren that I will never know.
I miss her laugh at my dinner table.
and in my car.
and in my living room.
and everywhere else I go.
I miss her living influence on her sisters and cousins.
I miss her singing.
I miss her career. (How is that even possible?)
I miss her enjoyment of things around me.
I miss waking her up in the mornings and singing her to sleep at night.
I miss her when I see her friends living well and I miss her when I see her friends wasting opportunities.
I miss things that I don't even know about.

Blessedly and thanks be I don't always miss her as I've done this week,...but tonight,

I.
Miss.
Yearn for.
Pine for.
Long to see.

Jae Lynn.

Dang It.

2011-08-09T21:05:00.004-05:00

How bizarre it feels to walk out into the yard

and realize that you've lost your car.

What frustrates me the most is the 8 foot wide hole I now have in my rock wall.

Life

2011-08-01T21:46:00.003-05:00

"Isn't that a sad conference?"

People ask me how in the world I can enjoy attending an event filled with moms and dads who have experienced the death of one or more children.
I completely understand. I think I would feel the same way.
We, at our National Bereaved Parents Gathering, probably look like a train wreck...the kind of crowd where bystanders just can't look away.

We greet each other in the elevators with smiles, hugs and questions: Who are you here for? Then we show off a button picture or an engraved necklace and call the name of our kids who have gone too soon.
It's an odd heartfelt reunion with friends.
Pity the poor businessman who gets on the elevator with us.

I find that I am often consulted by friends who wish information regarding death and grief.
What I feel like I should be a resource for is information regarding life.
That'd be nice, but I know that's not how it works.

I know how precious it is.
I know how much the "picture moments" mean.
When I say "slow down and enjoy_____" it's been said with conviciton.
When I say "chooses your battles" I try to live it out (especially with Abby...)
When I read "Life is a vapor...", my head nods in agreement.

I desperately want my life to outlive me.
It has to be my life.
I don't think I'll make much of an difference by simply dying........everyone does that.

Walk Worthy

2011-07-19T18:45:00.009-05:00

I was extremely distracted.
Felt guilty because I didn't want to be there.

Last Sunday morning in church, right on the front row, I thought of absolutely 100 things except what Bro. David was preaching about.

It wasn't his sermon on Ephesians 4 or his style that had my mind wandering, it was that:

1. Abby was due home after 2 weeks of summer camp.
2. Abby and I had not done hardly any communicating during those two weeks (very unusual)
3. The past two times I had spoken with her, she had been in tears.
4. Jae's memorial softball tournament was happening 20 miles away without me. I needed to be there. It's rude to have 100 volunteers working at the event and me not be there.
5. We had a guest music director (which was why I felt I couldn't miss church). Extremely nice man, but unfamiliar music directors are stressful on lil 'ole piano players like me.

All of the above combined made for a "restless listen".

Then,...yesterday,....I began to remember the scripture passage of his sermon.

Walk worthy of our calling.
Walk worthy.

The verses beg us to "walk worthy of the high calling which we have received."

To "walk" means we are going somewhere.
It's intentional and directional.
It's active.

I've been given a gift of a very high calling. God Himself has called me to live (walk) for Him and do the things He wishes me to do.
I'm a servant of the King.

He has lovingly called my name.
I need to remember to walk each moment in a way that brings Him pleasure.

Walk.

Worthy.

I've thought of that phrase almost every hour for two days.

The written word of God is a living thing which can re-enter my mind hours after I tuned it out.
Thanks to Bro. David for the passage.

Thanks to my Lord and Savior for loving me in spite of my messy self.

Roads, Radios and Deep thinking

2011-07-10T15:57:00.011-05:00

I've been a-wanderin lately!

Ralph and I took Abby, Amanda and another friend (Dillon) to a leadership apprentice program in Glorieta New Mexico. 2 solid weeks of leadership training/working along side of the staffers at the Southern Baptist summer camps.
After dropping her off, Ralph and I headed up towards Colorado. I've always wanted to see the Rockies! In spite of the cloudy weather, the peaks and views are some of the most spectacular I've ever seen.
New Mexico was brown and dry as a chip and there is virtually no vegetation higher than 12 inches. Seems to me that a New Mexico landscaper would starve to death.

Rode into Dodge City ( in a van not on a horse) and was taken on a personal tour by a real live US Marshall who grew up there. He was at least 75 years old, wore a crooked mustache, a badge, spurs and a gun. He was thrilled to be a Dodge city tour guide but was struggling with the changes occurring in the city. As he walked away from a couple landmarks, I heard him softly mumble about the "knuckleheads" who were running the city these days. I was also bit sad as he tried to make his voice heard over a couple of young punks who drove by (twice) with rap music blaring.

They should have been scared.....He coulda shot 'em.

On the way home, Ralph took a nap in the passenger seat as I drove.
I was missing Abby and praying for her to become filled with God's presence.
I was missing Casey and hating for her to be home all alone.
I was missing Jae Lynn and the fact that we never again get to vacation with her.

As I drove through the dusky evening I asked God to please let a song come on the radio which would make me feel close to the child I haven't held in years. The first one which came on was a rock-n-roll song. (hee hee)

I switched stations and came upon this one.

I believe God is all powerful.
I believe God is all loving.
Jae's death doesn't fit in with those two huge concepts.

Gotta go.
Got to go re-read all those 74(!) blog posts I've written on Faith....

2011-06-05T14:10:00.007-05:00

I knew something was bothering her as soon as she sat down beside me this morning. Church had not started yet and our church family was milling around us as she confided quietly that she had gotten very upset in Sunday school this morning.

As her other friends filled out some sort of survey about their dad (in anticipation of Father's Day), she was painfully reminded that her dad left her and her mom,
plus
he died a few years ago.
Wow. Her dad left her in divorce as well as death.
Double the pain.
Never to be reconciled.

She said "everyone else had good things to say about their dad. Good memories and good traditions. They know all about their dad's favorite everything. But my only stories are about how he left us. No one really wants to hear about that."

Gracious.
What in the world can I say in 30-60 seconds in a crowded room to such raw honest hurt?
As usual, I rely on the things I've recently read and studied.

Holy Fools (Matthew Woodley) is a book I found on the bargain rack for about 3 bucks.
See,...I had gone to Mardels to purchase a new book because I was jealous of my friend who went to a spiritual counselor and received a lot of wisdom, advice and new inspiration.
Since I don't have a spiritual counselor, I bought a cheap book.

Anyway......
Holy Fools gives 4 common denominators for the people who have changed the world:
1. They are passionate people.
2. They are messy people.
3. They associate with and love messy people.
4. They are always in trouble.

That's the advice I gave my young teen friend.
The chapters in our lives which are painful and "messy" are still things that God can use to bless others.
She truly loved the encouragement.

Now,..if I can just practice what I preach and apply that to my own life.............

Here's to the Mothers

2011-05-23T18:52:00.003-05:00

Here's to the Mothers!

We show up every day to a job which never ends.
New life is celebrated and young mothers are supported and celebrated.
As time passes and the mother-child relationship ages,
the night-time feedings turn into night time counseling sessions
Make no mistake,.... one can be as life giving as the other.
The world can see us at soccer practice and in the church pews each week, but our private care and love delivered in the wee hours of the morning are seen by God and His angels.

Here's to the young women who long for children:
The ones who observe the planned and unplanned pregnancies of friends, family, strangers, teenagers, addicts and prostitutes. They try to not become bitter as they miss the children they can not conceive but time does not heal this longing for a child.....
Time intensifies it.

Here's to the Mothers who recently experienced their first Mother's day:
Her heart nearly bursts with blessings even as she yawns from her sleepless night feedings.
The power of love catches her by surprise.

Here's to the Mothers of prodigals:

Ruth Graham Bell said that our job was to pray and it was the Holy Spirit's job to convict.
We are so used to helping our kids "fix" their problems,
but here is a place where our passion is powerless.
Except in prayer.
No one,...NO ONE can pray for our kids like us moms.

Here's to the Mothers of children who are "special" indeed:
I can not comprehend parenting a child who you know will never reach adulthood.
I am profoundly moved when I watch you who deal daily with the pain of
watching your child struggle with small tasks.
Whether your beloved child's handicap is physical, mental, emotonal or all combined, you have one of the hardest roles of all.

Here's to the Mothers who have children and grandchildren all around:
Wonder of wonders! How much love can one heart hold?
An emotion this strong can only be supernatural.

Here's to the young women who have been blessed to have a good Mother.
Living under the same roof daily with someone who loves you more than they love themselves is what makes the world go 'round.
It equips us to face and conquer life.

Here's to the women who never had the blessing of a good Mother:
How deep the hurt must be as they observe other mom-daughters.
They read the sayings in the Mothers day cards and can't relate.
I am so sorry.

Here's to the Mothers who have placed their child for adoption:
The merging and melding of so many different lives takes my breath away.
These brave women create families out of their pain and fear.
Heroes,..that's what they are.
But most of them seldom think that above statement is true.

Here's to the woman-child who have to visit their mom's grave.
In all my studies of grief, the loss of a mom is one of the deepest of all. To be separated from the one who loves you more than any other living person is staggering to the core of being.
It leaves people at such a loss that they can feel adrift in life.

Here's to the Mothers who visit their children's graves:
Unspeakable.
Lonely.
Torn asunder.
Violation of the soul.
Rent.
Confused.
Transformed.
Survivors.
The ponders made at Jae Lynn's grave can not be published.
Not because they are private, but because they are too many.
Take it from me,...... the love of a mother defies death.
We simply love our children who now live in another dimension.

A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world.
It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.
Agatha Christie

Soon.

2011-05-16T21:30:00.003-05:00

Maybe this describes me the past few weeks.

Maybe it doesn't.......

I've not had writer's block...

(I don't think)

Sorta

Thanks to all my friends who

have sent "Miss You!" messages.

Got just a few more things to do

and

I'll be back in the computer chair again!!

Lamentations at Dawn

2011-03-15T19:37:00.003-05:00

I was an early riser this morning.
Had some things I just had to talk over with God and they wouldn't wait.

Then in my feeble attempt at scripture study at that ridiculous hour, I stumbled across a passage in Lamentations. (an appropriate book for that early hour)
Here's my crack-of-dawn message from chapter 3:

When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself.

Enter the silence. (I did)

Bow in prayer. (I did)

Don't ask questions. (I did)

Wait for hope to appear. (Forced to)

Don't run from trouble. (me?)

Take it full-face. (sigh)

The "worst" is never the worst.

Why?

Because the Master won't ever walk out and never return.

This is the part I really liked:

He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God hears and answers prayers.

But I also am acutely aware that I don't know the will of God.

I'm always trying to find it.

I've felt most of the times that I'm in it.

I've known the horribleness of being out of it.

But what about when you need answers and are truly trying to do all the right things,...yet there are still no answers or clarity of God speaking.

Facing hard things when you KNOW it's God's will would be do-able.

But for me,.....

the confusion is worse than pain.

I think.

Dreams

2011-02-19T21:00:00.003-06:00

Dreams.
I just don't hardly ever have good ones. When I do have good ones, they are very good.
You could read about one here if you like.
Weird dreams?
Yes.
Scary ones?
Yep. Lots of scary ones.....Someone is always chasing me in my sleep.
Awful demonic ones?
Unfortunately. I sometimes dream unspeakable things.

Sleep is a physical state which does very differnt things with our minds. Sometimes, we become free from our worries during our sleep and then other times, we continue to wrestle with diffuculties even though we are sound asleep. As far as I know, there are none of us who can control our dreams.

When some of my friends tell me their dreams and I secretly point my finger at them, look around at others and whisper..."this person is kah-ray-zee!"
Some dreamers I'm envious of because they always have comforting dreams.
And then there is that other group of dreamers who should take "Bean-o" before retiring each night.

Regardless of what you may think about people who dream, I'm tellin ya that this ole gal has often gotten answers to things in her sleep. I've had several things "come to me" in the dead of night which sometimes leaves me with a sense of amusement.
I could give you lots of examples.
I think it's way cool.

This morning, as we slept in the wee dark hours of the night, I clearly heard someone call my name.

Ralph and I both woke up as I answered.

I've thought about it all day.

(Since I truly don't think I'm "kah-ray-zee",..Someone go get me some Bean-o.)

Prayer

2011-01-31T19:16:00.003-06:00

A few years ago, some friends and I decided the youth group we were leading needed more prayer. (of course).
We were intentional.
We were passionate.
We were regular.
We were stunned......

You see, within weeks of the prayers, our small group of teens began
to grow
and grow
and grow!

I am ashamed to tell you this, but the biggest surprise was that God answered our prayers.
No kidding,...we were bustin out all over with teens who were lost. Our "church kids" were frustrated that this new group of unrulys had taken over "their" group.
We 4 adult leaders (volunteers) were excited but completely taken off guard as evidenced by our ridiculous lack of resources to deal with 60+ students.

We moved the adults out of the sanctuary, put the kids in there on Wednesday nite and had a blast with great praise, worship, devotionals, door prizes and skits.
It didn't take long, however, for us to get overwhelmed at the church vandalism, smoking in the bathrooms, sex on the church bus and utter disrespect for all adults.

Sounds like a nightmare huh?
and I tell ya what,...It felt like it at times.
But we were so sure that we were experiencing a movement of God.
Now, I'm not so sure.

Here are some observations of that moment in time:

1. Today, as far as I can tell, very few of those unchurched kids are followers of God. I don't see that we had much of an impact on them at all. I imagine that the only devotional they will ever recall is the one I did which involved a Happy Meal in a blender. And it wasn't God that made it memorable, it was that two people threw up in the class room.

2. Some churches aren't ready to reach the lost. Bayou Meto is ready now, but we sure weren't then. Lack of leadership, bad attitudes, lack of volunteers and lack of discipleship crippled us. How eternally unfortunate for those kids.

3. Legalism will never work with teenagers. They will rebel every single time.
And I say Good for them! Adults will plod along in a miserable religion, but most teens won't put up with it. They can spot a phony miles away.

4. If I'm going to pray like that, I better prepare for bigger results than I can imagine. Mine and my friends puny prayers were clearly heard in Heaven. I still marvel that we were surprised.

5. It made me long for more corporate prayer in our churches. Our prayers lists are important. Truly they are. I have asked to be on the list and am relieved to find my needs and requests on that little piece of paper in the hands of my church family.
But few of the prayer needs listed on our church prayer list are there for Kingdom purpose. Should those not be there in abundance?

I started the year 2011 as a year for prayer.
and once again,...God is amazing me.

I'm sure He is rolling His eyes at my wonder.

To Assist Your Understanding

2011-01-26T18:32:00.002-06:00

Have you always wondered what the doctor meant

when he told you

that you have an irregular heart beat?

Finally, a way to truly know......

Cemeteries

2011-01-25T19:54:00.005-06:00

I wonder it is with me and cemeteries?
What has made me love them all these years?
I wrote about Jae Lynn's here.
I enjoy wondering through them and reading the names, dates and epitaphs.
I contemplate the ones who are no longer alive and am curious about their their life and their deaths.
Some are surrounded by family members who have since joined them in Heaven.
Some seem to be alone.
Some are obviously lovingly remembered and still mourned.
Some appear to be utterly forgotten.

Yesterday, I attended the graveside service of a young soul trapped in an old body. Mrs. Gwen Smith's frail frame had been holding her captive for years and she was finally set free last weekend.
Met in Heaven by hundreds of people who I'm sure she has missed.
Her reunion with them is more than likely still going wide open as I type this post.

For the first time ever, I remained at the graveside as the caretakers lowered her precious body into the earth and then covered it up in front of us. There were many of her family members there and while all were struggling with letting her go, the scene was peaceful and joyful even.

While I can not comprehend having watched those burial activities of Jae Lynn's, It seemed fitting and right that we be there for Mrs. Gwen as she entered such a peaceful beautiful place.
A wonderful life well lived.
An expected death which she embraced and longed for.
She is surrounded, once again, by those she loves.
In Heaven and on earth.

I so long for Heaven.
Yes, Jae......I will be there in the morning.

A List For January

2011-01-11T22:04:00.003-06:00

I'm reading:
"Walking with God" by John Franklin. Actually it's very little reading, but it's a lot about prayer!

I'm humming:
"His eye is on the Sparrow".
I can't decide whether I love the Sister Act version (movie) or the Jody Hurst (friend) version.

I'm confused:
as to where we've put Casey's muck boots. Her favorite boots in the whole wide world and they are only good for yucky days like these snow days. Can't find 'em anywhere.

I'm still enjoying:
snow days with family. At the hint of snow, someone will jump on the tractor (thanks Ralph!) to bush-hog the hill so we can have a smooth place to sled. Altho I had to work, I loved that my family was all together having a great time. At dark, I joined them as we invaded moms house for waffles. Did you know if you add seltzer water to waffles it will make them fluff up in the waffle iron? Someone needs to tell IHOP this cool secret.

I'm excited:
at the idea of winning the giveaway dream home of HGTV. Think I have a chance?

I'm scared:
of men in big dually trucks on the ice and snow.

I love:
my electric blanket.

A quote which made me laugh:
by Herb Miller:
"Never sidestep challenges.
Grab every charging bull by the horns and slap him twice across the face.
Remind him that God is in charge of you."

I love:
too many things to list.

I hate:
Victoria.
Victoria's Secret that is.
I shopped and shopped for a bra with no underwire. Paid a trillion dollars for it and then realized it has a 3 inch piece of steel rebar in the side panel. Ladies,...why oh why would there be metal under our armpits?
I'm doing surgery to cut it out of the bra as soon as I find my glasses.

I'm excited:
that Casey's brother is coming for a visit next week. It's interesting to watch he and her together. They resemble each other so much and have many of the same mannerisms.

I wish:
well,..you know what I wish for.
Do you think there is snow in Heaven?
Is there any kind of weather in Heaven?
Does Jae and daddy see us and wish they were with us as we have our fun days?
(Maybe not,...because they already are.)

Jae Lynn's New Quilt

2010-12-27T19:41:00.006-06:00

These pictures show Casey's gift to me:

She cut, pieced and stitched together a quilt made of Jae's t-shirts

I recall telling her she would regret writing on the one above.

I was amazed.

Touched.

Overcome.

Thrilled.

Is it not amazing?

We've still go to get it quilted, but it looks to me like that will be the easy work.

Pigs and Angels

2010-12-20T19:03:00.009-06:00

I do SO love Christmas trees which are coordinated.

Especially Blue and Silver ones.

and Red and Gold.

Never got into the feathers, but love the ribbons.

The Russell tree however,..will never be coordinated.

The kids have picked out a hodge podge of decorations and ornaments for the

past 20+ years and I love the memory of each one.

That's partly the reason my Christmas decorations

were left up in my Attic for years after Jae's accident.

Ya'll were right there with me when

I could not bring myself to bring those decorations down

and then you were there

when I finally did.

But for the past several years, I've noticed a trend in my tree decor:

It has become full of

Pigs and Angels.

How wonderfully odd......

The one above was actually the first one ever bought.

I found it in Branson as we escaped there on that terrible 1st Christmas without her.

I was sobbing at the checkout.

Below,..you will note Rudolph's replacements

Love the boots...

These crocheted angels have been on our tree for 15 years.

Handmade by Mrs. Nellie Fielder, a precious lady in my church.

Of course, I've one for each of the girls,

(and Mrs. Fielder's church directory obviously has holes in it!)

I've seen this look/pose from Jae a hundred times.

One of the gifts my fabulous sister Susan gives each year

is an ornament to each of the girls.

We have three of these on our tree...

I love this darlin hanging on the letter "J"

And then,....

Here is an odd saying for a Christmas ornament.

Jae Lynn,

The answers continue to elude me.

I think that you are not too far away, but I just don't know.

The mystery of Heaven leaves me wanting more.

More of what?

....answers?

......comfort?

.....patience?

...passion?

All of those things, yes.

But the bottom line is that I want it all.

I want the reunion with you that is promised to me.

I want no more Christmases without the ones I love.

I want an end to Bereaved Parents groups

and cemeteries in general.

I want to know my purpose.

The answers continue to elude me.

I think that you are not too far away,...but I just don't know.

A Night of Russell Comedy

2010-12-09T09:42:00.005-06:00

Tuesday night was our traditional North Pulaski Band Christmas Concert. Since yours truly is the band booster President, I wanted to support the program and our fantastic directors by being available for any all things.
Ended up I was not needed at all.
So.
I sat in the auditorium and enjoyed our 6th grade band. (see my big eyed expressions here?)
I sat through the 7th grade band.
Then the Middle School Jazz Band. (I'm beginning to smile now)
Then the Middle School Concert Band which meant that Abby's band would play next!

Let me pause here and say: The progress from a 6th band to a high school band is nothing short of an incredible miracle. Props to all the kids who stick it out as well as to the band directors who dream big and inspire teens with raw musical talent.
You know how great musicians are made? Someone, usually a teacher,...endured, persevered and developed these kids when they were not great musicians.

Anyway, as I'm sitting in the audience, my cell rings and Abby is hysterical on the other end as she relays to me that she forgot the dress code for the night was a black and white affair and she was in a green short scoop-necked sweater dress.
This friends, is a wardrobe, social as well as an academic disaster.

I exit the auditorium and realize that I am wearing black and white.

We meet in the bathroom where 5 minutes later she exits in my black slacks and white tee and I head straight for my car in a short scoop necked green sweater dress. (I just happen to have boots on under my slacks.)

*Ralph loved my outfit and couldn't understand why I would leave.
I think he now has an idea of what to buy me for Christmas.

*I left because I was afraid that suddenly our band director would need an announcement from the booster president and I'd have to get on-stage wearing a green sweaterdress miniskirt with boots.

Later that night, I am on YouTube looking for a song to place on this blog.

I thought I typed in the "The 12 Days of Christmas".

Instead, I made a typo and accidentally went to this:

Overwhelmed

2010-12-07T21:05:00.004-06:00

Lot's of memories of being overwhelmed with emotions at this time of year.
And for various reasons too:

1980: My first Christmas with the love of my life. We had zero money and not a single decoration. Not a single one I tell ya!
Ralph somehow found this huge box of decorations by the side of the someones driveway that they were throwing away so he loaded it into the back of his truck and brought it home to his bride.
I felt like we had won the lottery! Garland, candles, colored lights, red satin balls and tinsel.
You know what?
I still have many of those items in my collection of Christmas decor!
Overwhelmed with good things.

1981: Remember I said we were broke? Well a year later, we were even more broke.
Some people claim to day about how broke they are (me too) and yet they have a beautiful home, enjoy nice cars and go on vacations.
The Russell's however, were not that kind of broke.
We were not broke from debt as there was no one in their right mind who would have lent us money. Ralph's income was a whopping 4 figures!
We drove old gross cars, lived in a house trailer and had to get food out of my mom and dad's freezer. We camped in a tent for our only vacation.
We made our gifts that year because we had no money.
Homemade gifts from us is not a good thing. Neither one of us has the talent for making things. (Wait,...I take that back,..Ralph can make a mess!! hee hee)
Overwhelmed with poverty.
We even got a Christmas basket from the church.

1987: I could not stop weeping from joy. Jae Lynn had been placed into our arms just 3 months before and I felt as if the world had suddenly changed from black and white to technicolor.
The meaning of Christmas was more real as I reflected on Santa Claus, children but also on Mary, the mother of Jesus.
Overwhelmed with an unexpected love for a baby.

1988: Wonder of all wonders. Two children does not divide a mother's love,..it multiplies it? I had no idea I even possessed such a capacity for extreme devotion!
Overwhelmed that God loved me enough to bless me with two daughters.

2001: This is the the year which holds the distinction of being the best GIFT I ever gave!
Since 9/11 had just recently wreaked havoc within the travel industry, we were able to secure cheap arrangements for a trip to Disney. You see,..we were still very broke :)
Overwhelmed with excitement.

2004: Christmas Eve almost saw me have a screaming hissyfit in my parents yard as we exited the car and walked into the traditional gift swap and family time. I wanted to be in bed with the covers over my head.
The pain of Jae's death was never so acute as it was that night.
Overwhelmed with despair.

2007: Shouldn't things be better?
Actually they were, but you couldn't tell it from this post.
Overwhelmed with feeling a constant pain that ebbs and flows.

2010: Guess what? No overwhelmed feelings this year.
I've got decorations.
I'm not broke.
I've not cried but a couple of time in the past month.
I'm feeling joy again.
I'm blessed with the love of my extended family.
Abby has one of the sweetest hearts of any teen I know.
Casey has put up our tree for the first time in 6 years.

God is so good to me.

1:00 am

2010-11-29T00:35:00.004-06:00

It's 12 frazzlin 45 in the morning and I'm as wide awake as a hoot owl.
Note to self:
No more cold medicine!!

I've lain in bed for about 2 hours with various things tumbling around in my mind so I thought if I wrote them down (for you! oh joy!!) I could maybe go to sleeeeeeep........

Here's some of my to-do list:
Plan a summer mission trip for our youth group.
Same-o same-o summer camp style? or go to some sort on international?
Whichever it is,..it needs to be planned soon.

Write 4 devotionals for the Arkansas Baptist State Newsletter.
Cool opportunity. Not difficult,..but it comes with deadlines.

Clean/organize my office.
I'll begin this task by calling the corp of engineers to bring over a few bull dozers.

Christmas shop.
Some people hate Christmas shopping but I'm not one of them.

The other HUGE things on my mind are just a bunch of personal jumbled up icky feelings regarding some issues.
Don't you hate it when there are "issues" with people which really have no possible resolution?
Situations such as the ones I'm dealing with are deeply internal and require that I
a: accept the situation which I intensely dislike
or
b: confront it.

Since I'd rather stick myself in the eye that have a confrontation of any kind, I am grappling with my sorry attitude.

"Be anxious for nothing, but with prayer and thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace which passes all understanding will keep your heart and mind."
I've utterly butchered that passage because I'm not checking for accuracy at 1:00 am. Still, the thoughts and words have quieted me a bit.

As they always do.

As they always do.

Oatmeal and Crisco

2010-11-21T16:39:00.006-06:00

Casey and I watched a movie a couple of days ago called "Julie and Julia".

Seen it?

It's a true story about a young wife who decided to cook through

Julia Child's Italian Cookbook in a year.

Her blog was huge and evidently the world was fascinated 'cause she had a million followers.

For the life of me, I could never imagine such an attempt because I don't like to cook.

I am no good at it and I'm also a bit of picky eater.

Blogging about cooking is best left up to my good friend Kendall.

Hurry!

visit Kendall here and join in the giveaway contest!

Making Becky blog about cooking would be as painful

as making me blog about

tractors or

sewing or

bee-keeping or

hangnails...

BUT.

I woke up Saturday morning with this recipe on my mind.

I distinctly recall copying this very recipe as I sat in 9th grade

Home-Ec at Southside Jr High

These oatmeal cookies were my all-time fave.
Probably because it had a cup of this.

A CUP of shortening!!
Remember friends, that the BAD kind of fats are the kind
that solidify at room temperature.
So the reason we did not instantly keel over with a heart attack after
one of my oatmeal cookies is because our bodies are warmer than room temp.
Thank goodness the Crisco continues to sludge around in our arteries rather
than plug one of them up.

I had to dig my sifter out from somewhere.
Showing off my stuff like Kendall does.
Uh-oh. Kitchen intruder.

(Actually,..Casey's the best cook in our house)

I rolled half the dough into balls for cooking

(as directed).
I ate the other half

(not directed)

I'd show the finished product but got too busy and didn't photograph it.

So there you have it.

Inspired.

The first and probably last post that will ever appear here related to my cooking.

Wish I Had Been There

2010-11-19T16:50:00.007-06:00

This video proves that we can worship anywhere!

Macy's Does the Hallelujah Chorus

Cat-Napper

2010-11-11T18:27:00.004-06:00

There are many things in this story which baffle me:

1. Someone wants to steal a cat.
2. Someone wants to save a cat which is being stolen.
3. The police would arrest someone just for stealing a cat.
4. That a cat stealing story would even make the news.
5. While fleeing the scene, the man leaves behind a ...library book?
6. That this incident has put the Stifft Station neighborhood on "HIGH ALERT"!!

I just don't understand........

Funny Ways

2010-11-09T20:22:00.004-06:00

I've been missing her funny ways.

She's the 4th little Christmas angel in the too-big white robe,

singing her heart out with her head tilted sideways.

Apparently, she was not supposed to have the sucker.

Above is her imitation of a dead bug

and

Below she imitates a ballerina.

No sissy flat-toed ballet shoes for her!
Her hair holds a freshly picked Azalea.

She used to have a duck named
"Wilber"

Back To Blogging

2010-10-28T19:07:00.006-05:00

Did I ever show this picture? This is Casey's half-brother.

They found each other a couple of years ago

and I'm fascinated by how alike the look and act.

Abby's close band friend, Amy (on your left)

Casey's good friends.
The one she is hugging also loved and was loved by Jae as well.
Below are my squillion year old friends.
Been together since Jr. High.

This young thing below is one of my NEW friends.
Teri works with me in my educational role at the hospital and is also one
the best ICU nurses that ever cared for a patient.

No excuses.

I've been busy but just not on this site.
I've been emailed and called by several friends to start again and I'll tell ya that it makes me feel warm and fuzzy to know I've been missed.

Here's a few things on my mind:

*******

Casey made some cupcakes the other night that looked exactly like big rats.
On purpose.
I requested that she cover them up during the night.
She also made a pound cake which she didn't like 'cause she says "It tastes like butter".
Does that make sense to you?

*******

Abby has been a competing fool. Her band has already marched in 4 competitions and did "the big one" this past Saturday. They consistently get excellent ratings and do "Elvis" proud as they play his songs.
She also is in drama "compet". Poetry, mime, improv, etc.
Her first event got her all revved up for more. Good thing because she is scheduled for one a month until summer!

*******

Abby had to write her very own personal "Declaration of Independence" for an history assignment. It was great fun to do with her. One of her declarations was to "declare herself free from ever singing again the old hymn "To The Work". Know that one?

It encourages us all to worketh and cometh and is filled with loooooooong awkward pauses.

I'm so inspired.

*******

Ralph and I entered into negotiations and finally purchased a small piece of land.

I spent a few minutes walking it a day or two ago and am positive that the last 5 tornadoes in Pulaski County deposited every piece of loose debris directly onto that small half acre of land.

Oh! It also has a storm cellar.....

Filled to the brim with water.

Ralph has kinda not paid attention to me when I told him how ridiculously junked up the place was. This afternoon, he sent me a text message which said:
You win.
We need a bulldozer.
I had no idea.

*******

The burn ban here in this county is ruining my life.
As we traveled to Jonesboro the other day, the farmers in that area were burning their fields.
Legally.
I think I need to buy a farm.
1000's of acres were burning.
Big Beautiful Flames and good-smelling smoke.
I rolled my window down for a whiff and sent up a prayer for a deep drenching long rain in our neck of the woods.

See?
God cares about stuff like that!
It rained for 36 hours just this week.

*********

The first street you come to as you enter Jonesboro is called "Wimpy Avenue".
None of the men (or women!) in my family could or would ever live there.

********

A note of good news:
Sunbeam makes an electric blanket with no brain.
It gets warm when you tell it to.

************

A note of bad news:
Yesterday I saw two cats in my barn.
Folks,..that's real bad.
B.C. can stay because he/she has learned to take care of him/herself but I'm gonna sic Ralph's hairy daughter on the other one.

*********

My spiritual journey trivia:
I'm working on Leadership and Management skills in my professional life and it just so happens that I am also studying the book of Joshua.
That man was some kind of great leader!

I'm also reminded why I could never come to grips with the theology that says that
"God is a peaceful and loving God. He would never let something like______ happen".
Joshua is a wonderful story of God's provision and faithfulness but it's also an absolutely brutal and bloody book.

AND by the way,...

The book of Joshua starts with God telling him to "Take the shoe off his foot".
huh?
Did Joshua only have ONE FOOT?
Well THAT would be mean, wouldn't it, for God to then tell him to go MARCH around Jericho!?!

*****

It's good to be blogging again.
I've missed you.

Jo's Companions

2010-10-06T21:03:00.004-05:00

By far, one of my favorite posts ever written on Weepyseeds was by a "guest blogger".
My brother David wrote of his experince running the LR Marathon in 2009.

Today I am posting writings from another guest.

Jo Lauer is a cherished friend who I've met in the pit of grief as we've both attended the monthly Bereaved Parents meetings in North Little Rock. Jo's adult daughter died months ago and as we grievers know,..her journey is unique.
I was deeply moved when she shared these thoughts last month and and she has given me permission to share them with you.

**********************************************
**********************************************
Jo Lauer:
In the past few months, I have decided it’s time to make peace with my grief; to welcome grief as a friend into my life;
to allow grief to walk with me and teach my soul the lessons only grief can teach.

The time as come to allow grief to expand my heart, to teach me how to reach out to others who are hurting.

Grief has become my life long companion; a companion to embrace and to listen to.
A companion I must follow willingly if I’m to learn the lessons she was sent to teach me.
Grief strips away the trivial, the unimportant.
Grief leaves me naked and defenseless again the pain I felt. It’s only when I accept the fact that I have no defense against grief, when I stop battling it, denying it, suppressing it, hating it, and allowing it into my heart and head with no more barriers, that grief changes from a relentless, assaulting enemy into a gentle companion.

Grief is teaching me the preciousness of life.

Grief is teaching me the value of forgiveness and acceptance that can only come from the experience of total helplessness and powerlessness.
If I listen to grief as a friend, I will find a value and a purpose in the tears I‘ve shed. My tears are washing away those things in me that I held on to so tightly – control, unforgiveness, revenge, bitterness, selfishness – the barriers I put into my life to distance myself from the suffering in the world.

Grief is teaching me that my tears are mingled with the tears of mothers all over the world who have lost a child.

When I embrace grief as a companion, she brings yet another sister, in addition to consolation …compassion.
When I battled grief, she couldn’t introduce me to her other sisters, mercy, peace, and empathy. Grief brings cleansing and acceptance.
Grief brings a type of being born again.
The line between my life before Alyson died and my life now is becoming wider and deeper each day.
I’ve felt this sense of not knowing who I was any more and my companion grief is here to help me in my rebirth.

Three days. Three Daughters.

2010-10-03T15:01:00.005-05:00

I'm wore out.

Friday night. Abby Night
She is inviting her marching band to our home after the home games.
"The whole band?" I confirmed a few weeks ago.
There's about 110 kids in it.
To prepare, we began "re-doing" the back room a few weeks ago . Finally finished (more-or-less) and the outcome is surprisingly cool. I was pretty skeptical of her dark gray, teal and pink color scheme. As she suspected, Friday night came and they did NOT all show up.
We're still eating the food.

Anyway,...big night,...lots of prep and I'm tired.

Saturday. Casey day.
She volunteered to be stage crew for CityFest in Little Rock.
The organizers saw her application, called her up and asked to take a huge position (no pay, no authority) as one of the main volunteer coordinators.
Yep,..for the entire event.
I was her assistant.
For the entire day yesterday, my main job was to do whatever Casey told me to do. It was kinda neat seeing her in charge and watching her network with other key players in the large event.
One of the volunteers had no one on her team show up as scheduled, so Casey sent me a "quick!" order to assist with decorating the hospitality room for the artists/bands.
Seriously?
Of all the things I can do and I'm asked to go decorate?
Their desperation was apparent.

(side story:....a nice looking young band member had a regular lunch with his regular looking parents who evidently had traveled several hours to see his show. Quiet. Normal. Then,..a couple hours later I see that young man on stage in very different apparel, playing the electric guitar and screaming his lungs out to unintelligible head-banging rock music. I heard later that the mom was touched by all the decorations.)

Casey and I began the day around 7:00am and got home around 11:00pm.
Big day. I'm tired.

Sunday. Jae Lynn.
23 years ago today a beautiful young woman gave birth to a baby who was meant for my arms.
My mind is recalling all the birthdays and celebrations that this day has been in our home. Now we spend her birthday going to a nice restaurant,..one of her many faves. Then,..usually around sunset, I will release balloons at her grave.

One of the things about a child's death is that their life seems to lose significance as time passes. Some of you may react to that statement by saying "NO! We'd never forget Jae!"
But remembering a person is different than being significantly changed by them.

My dad crossed into Heaven a couple of years ago. His memory and his significance will live on for generations through those of us who were raised by him.
Children, however, don't often get a chance to leave that strong of a legacy. Their life was often too short and their impact seems to be primarily on those in the family and their close circle of friends.

A child's birth will change us.
Their death, however, will transform a parent to the point where we will say that "we" died.
The transformation, coupled with the pain and fear of loss of significance for our child will compel us to do new things like establish foundations, oversee scholarships, change careers, write, speak and jump flat in the middle of other things that we ordinarily would never do.

Our transformation becomes our child's significance.
These are deep thoughts.
But then,..I'm feeling deep sadness.

I'm tired.
I don't belong here.

Adoption

2010-09-23T19:53:00.002-05:00

A friend of mine has posted this video on her facebook page.

Ralph and I have discussed this subject often and are considering it........

What about you consider it too?

New Way To Tithe

2010-09-12T21:38:00.002-05:00

Hey Bro David and Bro Ernie,....
Remember the other day when we were talking about changing up the order of our worship service a little bit?

What do you think about inviting our church members to come down and give their offering like this?

Rants and Psalms

2010-09-07T21:42:00.003-05:00

You can thank me now.
Go ahead.
Go ahead and thank me for NOT posting last night.

You know,..sometimes people vent and rant when there has been a particularly frustrating moment or circumstance.

Understandable rants.

But then there are some rants which are just pointless. They cover all kinds of meaningless irritants which are really pretty insignificant when held up to other issues.
You can listen to a stupid pointless gripe session but you really want to tell them to just
shut.
up.

Last night (all day)I was just plain ole bummed out, dark, depressed and feeling sorry for myself. Can't figure out the real reason but suspect it was a combination of painting a room, physical fatigue, stupid dog, a teenager, dirty floors, no file cabinet, too much furniture and missing Jae Lynn.

Missing Jae.

That was mostly it.
The big horrible unchangeable.

There comes a time in most people's grief journey when the survivor decides that there must be a change in order to survive.

We have to shift from living in the emotional to understanding the process.
Get cerebral.
Start using our minds.

For some of us that takes years.
Some of us dive right in early after the loss and grapple with the pain, the process and the purpose.
Sometimes we figure things out.
Sometimes we don't.
It's not that the emotional aspect (of anything) is bad,..it's just that it's seldom productive or pleasant for anyone.

One thing I've learned about me is that the Autumn season just tends to intensify my sadness.

I try not to shudder as I get out of my car at football games and feel the air, hear the band, the drums and the handsome announcer (grin).
I try to not stare at the far left corner of the cheerleaders as they do the moves I know so well.
I try not to dread the upcoming holiday season.
I work hard to remember the importance of living in the moment.
I try to remain passionate.

But sometimes, the petty emotional stuff just beats the crap out of me and I've no energy to get cerebral.
I'm not interested in figuring anything out.

Lying in bed this morning, I concluded that I needed, most of all, to start the day with the Word. Maybe God Himself could keep me from another day like yesterday.

He did.

The words of the first few verses of Psalms 37:
Trust
Dwell
Delight
Commit
Trust (again)
Rest
Wait
Cease

(deep sigh)

If Need Be

2010-08-25T18:20:00.002-05:00

I admit.

I was not paying attention.

Do you ever open the bible when the preacher tells you to, and then keep reading the Bible even though he is done reading and has started preaching?

(don't lie..... I know you do that too!)

I kept reading til I got to the verse in 1 Peter 1:6. It says,......

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials.......

huh?

If need be?

IF NEED BE?

(Don't try to figure this out Becky. You've been there already......)

Branson, Jasper and Booger Hollow

2010-08-22T18:41:00.007-05:00

Went to Branson for our 30th anniversary.

We went here when we got married back in 1980 and Branson Mo was a mostly wide spot in the road with a

cool place called "Silver Dollar City".

Back then our hotel had a theater across from it called

"The Corn Crib Theater".

It was one of about three places in town to go for a show and

we were almost the only ones in the theater that night.

My my my! how things change.

Branson today seems to me that it would be the

Southern version of the Las Vegas strip.

Gaudy signs.

A million hotels.

6 million souvenir shops.

I never really cared a whole lot about going,..

until we found the cabin you see in the following photos

It's made going so much more relaxing.

It's a one room deal,..with the giant sleep number bed

right out in the middle of the great room.

(in the above pic,..you can barely see it on the right)

The back porch (below) is completely enclosed and faces the woods.

The kitchen makes it comfortable to eat breakfast and

whatever else you want to cook

(which is nothing in my case)
On the way home, we decided to take

the "scenic" route down Hwy 7.

Jasper has this place called the Ozark Cafe (established 1909).

I thought it'd be closed since it was Sunday afternoon in

Jasper Arkansas.

Nope,..there were about 100 or so people in there.

No lie.

Ozark Cafe was in the middle of the tiny town square.

As I snapped a pic of one of the buildings,..

I noticed a For Sale sign!

Exciting!!

It looked like an old movie theater.

Ralph won't let me call,.......sniff

Everyone in Arkansas should say they've been to Booger Hollow

Kinda fuzzy but you can see that we have a double decker outhouse in Booger Hollow.
(Make sure you are always on the top)

Faith, Faithful and Obey

2010-08-17T18:09:00.003-05:00

Faith.
Faithful.

These two things are very different aren't they?
I can be faithful at alot of things but that doesn't mean I'm the least bit "full of faith".

There's been times that I've gone to church regularly for weeks, but have been further away from God than an addict on skid-row.
I was a "faithful" attender. But my "faith" was weak.

God expects both from us.

Another thing I'm dealing with is obedience.
Last Sunday morning, I gave a wide-open lesson of about 12 cool stories in the 15th, 16th and 17th chapters of I Samuel. Every one of them is huge and I have no idea why I crammed 'em all into our Bible hour.
The main point of my lesson dealt with David's anointing and how the new King of Israel went straight back to tending sheep. I just took the long road to get there! :)

However,...the next morning at 5:30 am sharp,..I was awakened by the thought (or was it a still small voice?) that to Obey is better than sacrifice.

You see,...in one of the passages I'd read to the teens Sunday morning,...,...there was an admonishment to Saul because he talked liked he did things God's ways,..but he really didn't.

Samuel the prophet scolded him and said "...To Obey is better than sacrifice...."

Saul wasn't "real" sinful,..he just didn't do all the things he was supposed to.

(just teasin,....God rejected Saul completely for his sins of attitude)

But here's the deal,...I didn't spend any time at all on that particular passage because I was zooming to David's anointing.

I wasn't the least bit convicted of that passage on Sunday.

Hebrews 4: 12 talks about "...the Word of God is living and active,.." and I'm telling ya,..I've been reminded!

I think God spoke to me early Monday morning through Samuel the prophet!

(don't be jealous)

He just woke me right up and reminded me that I talk about reading God's word,..but I'm not faithful at all.

Just like Saul.

Somebody Get The Fly Swatter!

2010-08-13T17:39:00.007-05:00

If you are afraid of spiders (like ME)

BUT

enjoy tormenting one, (again,..like ME)..here's your chance.

Click the link below and poke away!

http://www.onemotion.com/flash/spider/

My To-Do List

2010-08-10T19:30:00.003-05:00

I've got a BIG to-do list:

Finish the book of Acts.
I've been going through it for about a month and a half and Paul is just now reaching Jerusalem! There is a divine reason that I am immersing myself in the book at this very moment in my life.

Ponder the book of The Radical.
Read about it here.
That's why I'm studying Acts I think.
I think it's a God thing.
This book has turned me on my ear.
My friend Kay and all the sales people at Mardels told me it would.

Stay off of Jacksonville-Cutoff Road.
That narrow stretch of road is always insane with freeway traffic, no shoulders, 1800 side roads, 49,016 mailboxes, a dozen joggers and at least one crazy mother pushing a baby stroller.

Officially welcome the newest member of my family.
Lily Savannah made her earthly arrival last Monday.
You can see pictures of her on her mom and dad's facebook. Thank you Amanda and Ryan for being in my family and for making it more beautiful and wonderful than it already was.

Go on a mission trip.
Gotta get my passport first.
I keep saying that I need my Visa but Ralph says that's only if I want to work there (hee hee)
Wonder where I will go?

Get counseling to find out how to parent.
You'd think after 23 years, I'd be up on this topic, but I swear I'm getting dumber.
Not because my girls say so, but because I feel so.

Sell my van.
Anyone out there need a beat up gas guzzler with no air conditioner?
No?
I didn't think so.

Re-do our "playroom"
I guess I need to re-name it too. They don't play much in there anymore,..they mostly sit and watch movies or play Wii.
The current jungle design was created by Jae and Casey. Remember when Zebra, Leopard and bamboo was in style?
Abby has way different taste. I think we have dark gray in the future. Dark,..dark,..dark,...gray. It will be pretty ~~dark~~

Never forget the level of pain that some people are going through.
I heard this song this afternoon and I was acutely reminded of the
despair I felt after Jae's death.
Michael O'Brien is singing this song,
but I think it actually was written by Matt Hybarger.

There are lots of us out there who are in deep pain and suffering.

Pain Changes Us

2010-08-02T19:43:00.006-05:00

I spent some time today speaking today with a friend who has undergone immense trouble recently.
I am not sure what she was like before her pain,..but she is sure an amazing woman now.
Fearless.
Impetuous.
Refreshingly honest.
Tender.
Godly.
Hysterically funny.
Compassionate.
Lit flat up for God.

You know that phrase "what doesn't kill ya will make you stronger"?
Well,..I don't always agree with it.
I can think of some who aren't stronger because of the terrible things they've endured.
No judgement from me in their regards,...but I take issue with the assumption that pain always strengthens.
Does pain change everyone?
Yep.
That I would agree with 100%.

God pretty much guarantees His followers pain.
"Count on it" He says. (too many scriptures to list)
I'm sure His disciples thought to themselves the same thing I have grappled with even today.
What kind of crazy plan is that?
God wants me to be more like Him but part of that process is to....hurt?

I don't know about you,...but I really don't remember that being part of my alter call. Maybe they explained it to me but "Taking up my cross" didn't mean much to me at 15 years old.

I'm going to start actively teaching my daughters and teenagers at church differently.

Hopefully, I will embrace the idea even as I recoil from it.

God-followers are refined in a variety of ways,..but nothing has purified me like the pain.

Garmins, Deadbolts and Drunks

2010-07-20T23:05:00.005-05:00

It's midnight.
It's storming in Virginia.
My daughters have so far, driven 18 hours to get to a town in that state.
At the moment they 2 hours from their destination and lost.
And exhausted.
"Maps? Who needs maps?" they said this morning. "We have the Garmin."

Ralph is trying to find a hotel which is close to where they are.
I am trying to remain calm.
Ralph's hairy daughter is even looking a bit stressed.

Still, as they drive through the darkened sleeping town of Charlottesville, my weary girls have suddenly perked up and are noticing stores and buildings to visit "first thing in the morning".

A phone call just informed us that "they are all locked in for the night".
Finally.
I can rest for the first time since 5 a.m.

(I have emailed Casey a map.)

******addendum to the above:******
text messages arrive to my phone about 20 minutes they are in their room:
Abby: I don't like it here.
me: Why?
Abby: (silence)
Me: ?
Abby: There are men outside our room.
Me: What are the men doing?
Me: Are ya'll locked in with the deadbolt in place?
Abby: Yeah....
Abby: I'm scared mommy.
Me: Did they say anything to you?
Abby: (silence)
Me: Call me.
Abby: I can't. Casey's sleeping.
Me: Well wake her up!
Me: (I try to call her)
Abby: Bad service. Can't answer your call.
Abby: I think they're drunk. They just left.
Me: If Casey is sleeping then it must be safe. Deadbolts are safe too.
Never hesitate to call 911 if you need someone to help you.
Me: TV on?
Abby: No.
Me: Good. You are exhausted. but safe with your sister and your dad and my prayers.
Sleep now. OK?

Silence for the rest of the night.
No rest for me after all....

Big Weekend

2010-07-12T19:40:00.005-05:00

Usually, I have to miss the annual fund raiser tournament that is held each year for Jae, Taylore' and Alicia's memorial scholarship. In the last few years, all three families and close friends have organized and pulled off a ginormous fast-pitch softball tournament in Sherwood. It started 4 years ago with 24 (?) teams and this year we had almost 60.
I've always missed it because I also became involved in presentations within the Bereaved Parents of the USA National Gathering.
Even though I may have been in Chicago, St. Louis, and New York, my heart's always been in Sherwood at the ball tournament.

This year however,..the gathering was in Little Rock.
"Great!" I thought. "I'll be able to travel back and forth between the two events!"

I expected to be busy and in fact, I was crazy busy.
But I was also completely unprepared for a couple of things:

**Letting go of control.
I don't know hardly anything about tournaments.
Nothin at all.
Can't control things I don't know about, but that doesn't mean that my opinions aren't strong. It's tough to be passionate about something and yet be unable to significantly influence the outcome.
Control freak?
Me?
I would usually say no,..but I'm feeling more and more grumpy these days when I'm in the middle of things that are important to me. I've got to work on that with prayer.

**Going between the events and different groups of people was a huge emotional swing.
Some who read this blog may think:
"Of course Becky,..going from a ball tournament filled with families and children is a happy place and then you have to go to the doom and gloom event where 300 moms and dad's are discussing their own nightmare."
The truth is that they are both wonderful.
We've tried hard to make our tournament one which is competitive but gentle too. Trophy awards end up being full of hugs and even tears.
Our daughters played on the same fields that we now hand out trophies on in their memory.
I tell ya,....it's a mental challenge.

Yet,..I love being there because those friends are the ones I've made in the dark pit of grief and despair.
Bar none, the Bereaved Parents event is one of my most favorite groups of people in this whole entire world.
I can't imagine another large group of people so laid back and relaxed. Laughter happens constantly, spontaneously and our loss is shared as easily as if we are discussing the weather. There's no describing it.
People from all across America and all types of loss (multiple child loss, murder, special needs, chronic illness, car accidents, suicide and more) You just gotta be there to understand.
Depressing?
No frazzlin way.
With that group of friends I find myself surrounded by the wise, the heroes, the strong, the fearless, the tested and the laid back.
AND it rubs off on me.

Going from that group to the tournament where so many details mattered wore me slap out. (along with never going to bed Friday night)

So.
I said goodbye to all my BP friends Sunday morning and then helped award the last trophy that afternoon.
Walking out of the ball park I ~~had what some would call a meltdown~~ reflected on the rich blessings that I am surrounded with.
All because of Jae Lynn.
That girl always has shown me the ridiculous extremes of most emotions.
It's cool to know she still does.

I miss you so much Jae and wish I could see you.

Wish I knew how close you are to us.
I wish I could see Heaven.
I wish....

2010-07-05T21:50:00.002-05:00

Just got back from our annual week of camping and then a weekend with Jack and Deb, my cousins in Texas.
As usual, I took a gob of pictures but can not get the memory card to work tonight.
(as Rosana Rosana Danna used to say "It's always sumpthin"!)

On the way to Texas, we shopped at Canton, Texas....the largest flea market in the South.
Have you been there? I shopped for 8 straight hours and did not get to even half of it.
Acres and acres and acres of stuff.

Oon the way home,..we all needed to "go" and do you know where Ralph stopped? At a divey gas station called "Peckerwood"
The owners of Peckerwood are proud that they cleaned their bathroom once in 1964.
Seriously,...honey?.......

10 days away from home at a CRAZY busy week of my year.

This Friday, I am honored once again to be the opening speaker for the National Gathering of Bereaved Parents. It's in Little Rock this year and I would love for any parent out there who has lost a child to come!
Do you hear me?
COME!
It's very very laid back..jeans/sneakers and you will make instant friends with a couple hundred people. Food, fellowship and talking about the kids we don't get to talk about much anymore.
Call me/email me or go to our web site OR just show up and register at the Holiday Inn/Airport this Friday morning at 7:30 !
(One of my break-out sessions will be about blogging!)

Another HUGE thing in my life is our annual softball tournament which is in Sherwood at the EXACT same time as the BP gathering. (sigh)
You can find more info about that here.

I'll post after it's all over and who knows,... maybe I'll add a picture or two!

I'm blessed.

Obscurity Is A Myth

2010-06-21T22:12:00.010-05:00

Just this past week, I enjoyed a week of being alone in my home.

Ralph and both girls went to church camp (2 chaperone's, 1 camper) in South Carolina, and I had a great time all by myself. The bad thing however, is that at night time, I am not used to being alone in the old creaky house with multiple doors, hallways and rooms.

I found myself wishing for company.

Got that old 25 caliber pistol and put it on the nightstand, but it's not something that actually inspires a good night's sleep.

(I especially hate it when my hairy daughter stands on the edge of the bed in the middle of the night and softly "woofs".)

After our summer campers got home from their church camp, they were exhuasted and were desperate to get home so I volunteered to clean the church van.

That

was

before

looked

inside.

The next night, I drove it home from the church parking lot and opened the doors:
At least 25 bottles of half empty bottles, hair doo-dads, wet towels, 3 dirty socks, 1 tennis shoe, a pair of soured wet swim trunks, 15-20 ink pens, multiple bags of cheezits and an opened box of cocoa-puffs (thank you Abby) which emptied and sent 50,000 of them rolling to the front of the van every time the brakes were hit and then rolled to the back on each acceleration.

All the way to South Carolina and back.

As I cleaned the van last night in 100 degree heat/humidity, I was feeling pretty alone.

Whine whine whine

pant pant pant pant

Ggrrrrr

According to the dictionary,
"Obscure" means "..unknown, unimportant or having no meaning..."

But according to 2 Chronicles 16:9, God's eyes are constantly searching to make us strong in every job if our heart is right.

My heart...not my activity.

Is anything obscure in a life of following God?

Part of me is uneasy with the idea that I'm truly never alone and God and Heaven's occupants are always watching me.

Remember that I think Earth is a stage.

But I'm also inspired by the idea that every moment matters to Him.

To God, there are no obscure followers.

That thought, friend, made me feel better last night as I washed the

Bayou Meto Baptist church van in the dark.

Lies And Wishes

2010-06-02T22:22:00.004-05:00

Tonight, I was pilfering through Jae's room searching for some pictures and Abby came in to talk.
Loooonnnnng conversation.
There were lots of thoughts and questions about what Jae Lynn is like right now.

If you have followed this blog for any time, you will recall that my obsession with Jae's after-death whereabouts led me on an intense and in-depth search for information about Heaven.

That is an understatement.

By no means do I think that I am now an expert, but I have personally come to believe that most of my ideas of Heaven and it's occupants have been based upon wrong theology. As I shared some of my thoughts about Jae and angels and Heaven,...Abby was irritated.
At me.
At all of her past Sunday school teachers.
At our church pastors.
She feels that she has been "lied to".
Then she dismissed most of my observations and told she would believe what she wanted to.
(Deep discussions are never easy with this daughter)

Here in June of 2010, Abby is the age that Jae Lynn was at the time of her accident.
That's a really big deal.
I think that Abby is fully comprehending the loss of her oldest sister more than she has done in past years. It's as if she, 6 years after the loss, knows Jae better now than she did when she was 10.
Devastated at 10 but filled with understanding at 16.

I asked her if Jae was right here with us, what would she say to her?
Her reply was ......."secret things".

I wish I understood life after death.
I'm told to believe and have faith.
I do and I do.

But that doesn't take away the wishing.

Merge Rebels

2010-05-25T18:00:00.008-05:00

There are a lot of traffic rules which chaff the fool out of me but I don't think I am a rebel.
I try to follow rules.
Really.
Rules are usually created for our good and since I am a rational person, I try not to rebel.

However, there are a few which scream to be broken. Ones such as...
**35 mph on Republican Rd, (Weepyseeds author just paid a $200 ticket for breaking this rule)
**45 mph on the deserted 5 miles stretch of Batesville Pike (Weepyseeds author pulled over but received no ticket)
**4-way Stop sign at Olmstead, Arkansas. It would be a traffic jam is 2 cars arrived there at the same time, much less 4.

But there is one traffic rule which I follow and it drives me nuts when others do not. I think the reason it bothers me so badly is because it goes against Southern Hospitality.
It reminds me of being in elementary school when the class bully or the obnoxious kid would race to the front of the line. All of us meek rule-followers wanted to be at the front on the line, but we didn't manipulate the circumstances to get there.

My frustrating traffic rule has to do with lane closures and "merging".

I get all irritated with the drivers who refuse to merge left (or right) when instructed! They have a mile's worth of warning to merge and yet, they race breakneck to the last possible moment and then put on their measly little blinkers to signal that they are finally ready to follow the rules.
Now,....I'm not prone to road rage at all, but I garandernteeya that this chick will get all mean-spirited and spiteful as I work my way to the front of the lane.
There is no way on God's green earth that those traffic merge-rebels will force/insert/inch their way in front of MY bumper! In fact, if I had my way, they'd sit right there on the pavement under that flashing LANE ENDS! sign until the freeway is EMPTY!!!

silence

(deep sigh)

I feel better.

By the way, Ralph is not a typical merge rebel. He's worse!
When I'm in the passenger seat beside him, he will let every merge rebel go in front of him just to spite me.
He says he's just being nice, but I know better.
Even though I've never smoked, I'll almost need a cigarette by the time he gets me past the bottleneck.

Are you a merge rebel?

On Stage

2010-05-19T17:31:00.007-05:00

For some reason, I've had one thought on my mind all day long:

The earth is a stage and Heaven is the audience.

Is that original?

Did I make that up?

or was it Shakespeare? :)

Not too long ago, I cared for an elderly patient who had been devastated by a stroke. He could barely move and his speech had been reduced to unintelligible mumbling.
It was late in the evening and I entered his room and began to reposition him for his first few hours of sleep.
The door was closed.
The curtains were pulled.
As I often do, I leaned over his bed and began to softly sing Amazing Grace.
He closed his eyes and with his garbled slurred voice, began to sing along with me. The words were so slurred in fact, that had I not known the song, I wouldn't have recognized it.
He was out of breath at the end, and we were both in tears but we finished all the verses I knew.

Without a doubt, it was one of my most poignant moments in my career.
I imagine that all of Heaven paused to hear that man's song of praise.

The earth is a stage and Heaven is the audience

Amanda is in Heaven

2010-05-14T21:20:00.004-05:00

Please pray for Amanda's family, the precious young girl whose family blog has been linked

to mine for a couple of years.

Amanda's life has been so inspiring to me during her illness , especially during

these past few hard months.

It's comforting to me that she and Jae may meet each other soon.

I wish I knew how all that works.

My heart breaks for Amanda' family.

My heart still breaks for mine.

"I thank my God for every remembrance of you"

Philippians 1:3

Casey Leigh Russell, Bachelors of Science

2010-05-09T19:57:00.004-05:00

This was a BIG weekend for the Russell family.

Casey Leigh Russell's name was called off in the middle of about a half-million other graduates at the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville. To Ralph and I however, the tedious three hour ceremony was well worth sitting through the 3 seconds of watching her walk across the stage.
(I doubt our 15 guests thought the same thing but they blessed us deeply with their presence!)

So many emotions! I am filled with pride at her accomplishment but I swear as she walked back to her seat, I thought her facial expression was the same one we photographed in her kindergarten play back in 1994.
Casey has had an intense dislike (!) of school since about the 5th grade and I am relieved she finally finished! I can not tell you how many times we had to convince her to "stay".
She would have been a high school dropout in her junior year, but instead she chose to skip her senior year and graduate early. Her sophomore year at the University we, once again, thought she might drive up our driveway with all her belongings in the back of her truck. Rough doesn't describe that year and it had little to do with academics.

I'd describe some big moments but Casey isn't like that. Unlike her daddy and momma, she's the quiet-private type.

Lots of emotions from missing Jae Lynn at such a huge family marker-moment but tried oh so hard to suppress them and focus on the joy of the occasion.

Mothers Day.
Graduation.

I'm feeling blessed.

My Crazy Life

2010-04-28T14:18:00.010-05:00

Been SO busy but just not on this blog.
I've missed you!

Here's a few random things on my mind which is very characteristic of my life at the moment:

Tomorrow I finish my part-time job with Univ. of Central Arkansas. They have a full-time position open for the Fall and I wanted to see if I liked working for them! I do, but don't think I want the job.
(Which is actually a good thing, because I don't think they want me either! :)

Speaking of jobs,...

I do believe I'm soon to have a normal life with a normal schedule.
God has worked things out in a way of complete surprise. (I love it when He does that!)
In the nick of time too I tell ya, because I was "this close" to making a royal mess of things though my impatience with my circumstances.
More to come when things are a bit more final.

My devo this morning (Acts) reminded me that Jesus never complained when HE was the object of ridicule and torture. However, God takes things very personal when WE are treated with contempt for His name's sake.
When was the last time I suffered for His name's sake?
Hmmmm,..I can't even recall!
Know what that tells me?
I don't think I'm living right.

Last Saturday night, I found one of my children in one of the most dangerous spots any of the three have ever been in. Abby was staying with a friend on base and I was to pick her up at the back gate of the Air Force Base.
At 10:45 PM, do you know where my 16 year old daughter was when she called me?
Alone?
ALONE??!!
In the commuter parking lot about .2 miles from the back gate.
Standing.
In the dark.
On Hwy 107.
Alone.
I'm mad all over again just telling you about it.

Casey graduates from University of Arkansas next week.
I wish I had the address of that suspicious social/case worker in Delaware who did not want to hand her over to Ralph and I in the middle of the busy Philadelphia airport terminal that day in August 1988.

Did you see that moon last night? I'm tellin ya God really put on a show with those dark clouds blowing across the bright moon. Even though Casey was 200 miles away, I called her to go outside and look so she could enjoy it with me.
It's crazy I know, but I wished I could do the same thing with Jae. Send her a message so we could enjoy the moment together.
Remember Feivel the mouse as he sang that song "Somewhere out there"?
This was me last night....

Conflict

2010-04-14T14:47:00.004-05:00

I have spent a great deal of time and energy lately trying to change things that are uncomfortable for me.

God has given me a particular set of talents, preferences and gifts and I tend to think that I am supposed to "exercise" those most (or all?) of the time.
When I find myself thwarted, frustrated, stifled or useless, I tend to think that I need to
do something.
Fix it!
Change the circumstances.
Solve the problem.
Make myself feel better.

All throughout scripture however, I find that that the hard things we go through can produce the very characteristics which make us much more useful to God.

sigh.

The conflict is the point?
The discomfort is the plan?
The confusion is actually the path?

That's not the popular view of God.
I am no theologian, but I am saying that God seems to work this way in my life.

Dear Lord of my life, I am blessed beyond measure.
Help me Lord to exercise the Faith I know to be sure.
Help me to remember that Your priorities are to be mine in any decision made.
Visiting gravesides of my loved ones, I am reminded of what's important in life.
Peace Lord! Peace!
Keep my eyes on Heaven and my perspective on the Eternal.

No More Lukewarm

2010-04-07T21:58:00.006-05:00

I would love to be a late sleeper, but that's usually not possible for me these days. However, one thing which brings me encouragement at the wicked wicked hour of 5:30 am is listening to David Jeremiah's preaching.
These past few days, David has been teaching about the 7 churches listed in the book of Revelation.
These churches are described as
loveless (Ephesus)
persecuted (Smyrna)
compromising (Pergamos)
corrupt (Thyratira)
dead (Sardis)
faithful (Phildelphia)
and
lukewarm (Laodiceans)

Of that list, the negative ones seem pretty bad: Compromising? Corrupt? Dead?
Where does "Lukewarm" fit?

I wrote about it here once.

THAT church (person?) is where God levels His harshest words.

According to scripture, the lukewarm group of people is the type of church body which actually makes God sick and ready to throw-up!

I remember when I was deeply under the weight of grief, I began to experience more passion for God than I had ever felt in my life. If you know my testimony, you know my spiritual struggles were huge. But even in the middle of my questions and deep ponders, I developed a passion for knowing and following God that I had never experienced before.

Why O why does that kind of passion and purpose have to come at such expense?

I am often afraid that I will go back to my old lukewarm days.
But here's the deal,..I would have never considered myself lukewarm.

Lukewarm is a mixing of Hot and Cold.
A mixture of God and the world?
A mixture of Godly behaviors but no genuine love?
Heaven bound but embracing this world?
Surrounded by the dying and never sharing hope?
Waking up every morning with a long "to-do" list while eternal matters are neglected?
I know from experience that lukewarm people often don't know they are in danger of making God sick.

Luke 12:34 say: For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

I have such treasure in Heaven.
I will never be the same.

Easter 2010

2010-04-04T21:26:00.010-05:00

Bob, his handsome sons and mom Below is Lilly's first Easter pictures! (well kinda....)

Ralph's mom and dad

My brothers and me

Aundra was the first brave one of us to get a tattoo after Jae's wreck.

Job tells us in chapter 19 v 25 on that:

For I know that my redeemer lives, and He shall stand at last on this earth; And after my skin is destroyed, this I know, that in my flesh I shall see God.

How my heart yearns within me!

Emma loves Abby.

You can tell the feeling is mutual!

This old house was my grandfathers.

We need to tear it down but none of us really want to.

As I looked through the lens to snap this picture, all I could think of was how badly I wished Jae was there too.

Of course, what's an old house without old furniture to drag out?

Casey made some sort of wrapped jalapeno doo-dads.

Can you smell these steaks?

Bob needed a spray bottle of water. He ran into mom's kitchen sink and found a spray bottle under her sink.

"Is this water?" he asked.

Mom told him she didn't know.

Ya know how Bob found out?

He squirted it in his mouth. "Yep", it's water!" and ran back out the door.

I'm glad it wasn't carpet cleaner or furniture polish.

Bob's a pyro like the rest of us and without a doubt holds the record for having to call the fire department.

The smoke here is from him using his new-found water-squirter.

Our church joined with a sister church to perform a musical. I had a solo!

It's easy to sing when you are backed up by 40 great voices.

Needed my glasses for most of the songs.

This lady is a happy singer. One of my fav people in the whole wide world.

He is risen indeed!

That's my hope!

By Abby

2010-03-29T20:28:00.005-05:00

hi hiii ((:

as much as you enjoy my AMAZING mothers writing

its my turn.

I am Becky Russell's youngest daughter (:

I am sixteen and ALL OVER this blog :P

I want to say that my mother is the most amazing woman

EVER

i love her and her writing, her little voices, and hand gestures

SHE'S REAL CUTE

isn't she?

<333>

Abby's Pictures

2010-03-28T21:50:00.011-05:00

Amanda and jungle man look as if they are pouting....

Remember I told you that I bought Abby a camera on ebay?
Here are a few of her pics.
She informed that if I were going to post any of her photos that I HAD to post the one below.
She thinks this piece of clover in our front yard is some of her best work.
By the way,...plant expert Janet Carson says that if you have green in your lawn, then it's from weeds. Real grass should still be brown.
Shut-up Janet.

I like this butterfly which is in the tree we planted at Jae's grave.

We go there often,..this day was a clean-up day.

Below is Carter, our grand-nephew!

Abby asked I stick my tongue out.....

Ralph's hairy daughter looks like she doesn't like her scarf

Abby's best friend Amanda is also the best dancer (front and center)

I'd post more, but it's past my bedtime!

Night!

Communion

2010-03-28T20:48:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking and studying about Easter. (Haven't we all?)

By far, one of my favorite passages in all of scripture occurs at the "last supper".
It was the feast of the Passover when Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a the back of a donkey. Then, preparations began for the Passover feast.
As He and His disciples were in the upper room and participating in the sacred ritual of remembering the Jewish people's delivery out of Egypt,...Jesus throws the 12 men a curve.
He breaks the bread and serves the drink and deviates from the traditional remembrance by telling His friends to eat His body and drink His blood.
I wonder if they all sat up and looked around incredulously and thought What in the world is He talking about? These words were no where in the age-old script of the traditional passover feast!
He was telling them that this was a powerful way to commune with Him after He was gone. (which they didn't understand His talk of death either)

I wonder how our Lord's supper is different today than it was meant to be?
Do we carry on with only a "remembrance" or is it to be "spiritual thing" as well? I think I have had fairly low expectations of the whole experience and I am fairly certain I'm not the only one.
He often said in scripture that HE was the bread of life.

I will be taking the communion,...Lord's supper this Easter morning and I am going to approach it very differently.
I have no firm answers for what I am searching for, but some spiritual things aren't explainable anyway.

Spring Inventory

2010-03-21T21:31:00.002-05:00

What I'm doing today:
Taking some deep breaths and breaks after our fund-raising lunch last week. What a wonderful relief to have a successful event behind me.

I'm grateful for
My family. They live their life right along beside mine and take my burdens as their own.

I'm also grateful for
Abby 's best friend Amanda. It's good to have such a talented sensitive soul for a daughter's best friend.

I'm irritated at
My new flat screen TV. Why does it cut in and out so much?

I'm worried about
Casey. She went with friends to Panama City Beach late late Friday night. She is a sheep in a evil wicked environment.

The song which has spoken to me
"In Christ Alone"
One verse sings "...With life's first cry 'til dying breath, Jesus commands my destiny..."

I recently laughed hard at
myself!
I have a weird way of transposing the first letters of a pair of words. Yesterday, I was talking to Abby about singing all four parts. Unfortunately I said all pore farts.
A few months ago I yelled something to Abby and accidentally transposed the
letters to the phrase "Fun-sucker". While trying to correct myself I yelled it a second time. I almost had to pick Ralph and Abby off of the living room floor.

The scripture which has provoked thought is
Mark's account of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. He shared His heart with His friends (disciples) and told them how "His heart was breaking to the point He felt as if He would die".
It seems like such a human response.

I'm a bit worried about
My job.
Still.
I just don't know where I'm supposed to be.
Big decisions coming up soon.

I had a lot of fun
Making my first E-bay purchase.
I signed on to search for Abby a camera and found one with only 19 minutes left to bid. I had trouble signing up and signing in and by the time I finally got into the system, only 2 minutes remained to bid and the price had gone up $65!! The competition was fierce! :)
Abby now owns the camera and has shot well over 1500 photos since Wednesday.

I am ecstatic
I just made Casey's last tuition payment to University of Arkansas.
She graduates May 8th.
I can barely believe it.

March 17th is Abby's Birthday

2010-03-17T21:12:00.004-05:00

Abby Rae.

Sixteen years old.

As she snuggled with me in bed this morning I listed

several of the reasons I am proud of her.

I could list them here, but most would sound exactly

like the reasons any mom feels regarding her child.

For the first year or so of Abby's life, I would frequently ask the rest of the family

"Can you imagine life without her?!"

Most moms know exactly where they were when their children were born, but not so with some of us adoptive moms!

That's why I am grateful for my morning of St. Patricks day 1994.
Sixteen years ago on this day, Jae, Casey and myself stood in front of our bathroom mirror and all spoke about wearing green and pinching people.
Jae was 5 years old and Casey was 4.
Pinching was the big topic of the morning.
It's always a stressful day when us moms have to send our young ones out into the world where pinching is allowed!
So as I brushed their hair we spoke of pinching etiquette.
Things like
*Don't pinch people at all.
*If you have to pinch, make sure they are wearing no green.
*Never ever pinch hard.
*Avoid bullies,..they pinch too hard and try to hurt.
etc.

Unbeknownst to us as we stood in front of that mirror, the youngest member of our family was taking her first breath somewhere miles away.

Scholarship

2010-03-07T22:03:00.004-06:00

It's been a long time since I've been as busy as I am right now.
I'm not whining, but thought I'd share why this blog may be a bit more silent than usual.

The 3 Cheerleaders annual signature fund-raising event is one week away and I am completely overwhelmed with the amount of support given by the businesses in our community.
I am also amazed at the tireless devotion of my family to this cause that they believe in.

When we first began this scholarship, it was for selfish reasons. We did not want Jae Lynn to be forgotten. Putting her name on a educational scholarship seemed to bring some of her presence and permanency into the school hallways where she belonged.
We were crazy with pain and didn't have a clue what we were doing. We just had so much emotion and channeling it into something positive seemed like a good thing to do.
Sure. Sure.
Wait until we are ripped wide open and shattered emotionally, spiritually and physically and THEN start the biggest endeavor of our lifetime.
Who in the world does things like that?

Tens of thousands of people.
Survivors of catastrophe often feel like they have nothing to lose,..so they go for it all. They do hard things and overcome barriers that would have stopped them cold in their "old life".
Unstoppable.

My family and I miss Jae Lynn every morning that we rise and every evening that we lay our heads down. We speak daily, daily I tell ya, of how badly we wish she was still with us.

I am past feeling unstoppable.
In fact, I'm feelin pretty durn stoppable every single day.
Tonight I feel like I'm not even go-able.
If you think about us anytime during the next couple of weeks, please say a prayer of strenght for the whole big lot of us. We want this weekend's event to be a success and bring honor to our Lord at the same time.
Both are of the utmost important to all of us.

(PS: Hey! Come join us! Sherwood Forest 3/14/10, drop in around noon for lunch.)

A Few Things In My House

2010-02-26T21:26:00.019-06:00

Jae and Casey made these in Vacation Bible school one year. They are some of my favorite kitchen decor items! :)

Notice Jae's girl skier,..she made her hair appear to be flying back because "she's going so fast"!

This was not one of my better ideas. Each daughter had their own jar with marbles representing a week of their life until they turn 18 years old.

I should have never started it.

This note was taped to my work computer during the first few months after Jae's accident.

It's still a good reminder so I moved it to my fridge!

A bathroom portrait!
What fun times we had in those caps in the tub!

Above is the message Amanda left me tonight when she picked Abby up. Amanda is competing in a dance competition. She's the best dancer I know.

Good Luck darlin!

Speaking of sheep,....this is a lamb which we had "preserved".

Below is Abby's red bedroom. I resisted this for years, but finally gave in to her request for this color. I do believe I will have to re-sheetrock the walls when we finally decide to cover it with another color.

There is also no-tellin what Abby Rae will fasten to her walls. You will notice ticket stubs, photos, letters, fruit roll-up wrappers, flowers, old person snap-on sun-glasses (the kind you get at the eye doctor), etc,.... And this is just ONE wall.

Here is Mousey looking all sad beside Jae's picture.

There were a million hours spent sitting in front of this doll house.

The windows near the ceiling of my bathroom.

Below is Jae's bulletin board.

Note three things that she kept on it:

Lauren's t-shirt

A story about Sam.

Kyle's picture and funeral program.

All 3 were friends she lost.

She mourned them every day until she joined them.

Below is, by far, one of my fave places in my house.

Abby loves how the plants get all in the water. Abby frequently makes me go shopping in her favorite store,..Saver's!

It was a good find when I saw this

hand-stitched quilt for

$6.00
Where would Ralph's hairy daughter burrow if we didn't have this quilt on our couch?

My childhood doll, Thumbelina.

You can tell I loved her.

All three girls used to argue over who would HAVE to take her in their portion of their inheritance. (sniff)

They just don't see the cool treasure of my

nappy-headed

one-handed

Thumbelina.

If I had a motto,.....

Recycling

2010-02-25T22:18:00.003-06:00

I found some old pictures of the other day which got me to thinking about our years

when the girls were small and

we were covered up with farm animals.

I've reprinted below an old post from a couple of years ago

that talks a bit about those fun days....

The Shepherd and Sheep

2010-02-25T22:16:00.000-06:00

A few years ago we had a herd of sheep.
The idea was to get the girls involved in 4-H.
It was a good idea.
We never went to a single 4-H meeting.

However,...my sheep stories and lessons number in the hundreds. I can not describe how the Bible came alive for our family as we made a stab at being shepherds.

There was Adam. And as his name suggests,..he was our first male.
He was big, lumbering and quiet. Sometimes he was mean and sneaky. We used to think Adam was useless to our 5 ewes, but a year later they all had twins.
Go Adam.

Then there was Friendly. A good momma to her lambs. Friendly ate out the girls hands, let us pet her and even ride her. Sweet and trusting. When she lost her lambs,..we always knew it. She would be forlorn and inconsolable. I think of her often and now know why she cried all day and night. I couldn't hardly sleep listening to her bleat on those terrible nights.

Meet Crazy. She was skittish, irritable and would run right over her lambs in fear. A leaf would fall off a nearby tree and Crazy would tear off frantic down the hill. She always frustrated us, mostly because of her poor mothering skills. Sometimes she bumped us in the butt when we passed her by. We would turn around to see her cowering in the corner like we were going to hit her. ?

Introducing Timmy. He was our first lamb that lived to sheep adulthood. Timmy's problem was that, as a lamb, he was viciously mauled by a neighbor dog which left him emotionally scarred for the rest of his life. In spite of his physical strength,..he was a major wimp.

Once, a group of dogs chased and scattered our beloved sheep from one end of the farm to the other. Over the next couple of hours,..we gathered them all up, but couldn't find Timmy. We searched high and low but assumed he had been dragged off to his death.

The next day,..we continued our search and finally found him lying under the edge of the little barn panting, filthy and near deaths door.

As we began to treat his thirst, remove the briers and debris from his wool and comfort him, we also began to search for his injuries.
To our surprise,..he had none. Not a single scratch or bite.
We think Timmy became so scared during the chase that he simply gave up fighting and running.

He chose instead to lay down and die.

It's a good thing for Timmy that he was loved. We loved, coddled and coaxed him back to life and within a few hours, he was back grazing among his sheep family.

Our family's few years as shepherds made us all know why Jesus referred to us as His sheep. It may not seem like a compliment for us,..but the description says much about the shepherd's great love and understanding.

I'm grateful to be so known and loved.
God loves me when I'm good and friendly.
But God loves me as I run in fear, cower in corners, do my share of butt-bumpin, act mean and sneaky and cry through the night.
God especially loves to pull me out from under my issues and coax me back into into the life He wants for me.

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want"(NKJV)
"The Lord is my Shepherd,I shall not be in want (NIV)
"With God as my Shepherd, I don't need a thing" (The MSG)

Loving Jae's Soul

2010-02-16T17:26:00.004-06:00

I still love Jae Lynn even though her body no longer lives.

How can that be?

When I think of all the wonderful lovely things that I loved about her, I would usually describe her actions, her appearance, her expressions or her whimsical personality traits.

I used to tell her that I knew her better than she knew herself. Us mothers are blessed to be able to truly know our children's heart and soul. However, the truth is, that all of those things were then expressed through her physical body.

I loved her body.
The way her mouth would become crooked when she sang.
Her squishy little muscles.
Her thick blond hair.
Her voice,..ah,....her voice!
I could go on and on about what I love and what I miss.
That, in fact, is so much a part of the pain of grief. We lose the ability to have that precious person with us in our daily lives.

On that terrible day, I lost the ability to care, nurture and love her body.
I faced a unimaginable dilemma:
How do I love Jae Lynn when she doesn't have a physical body?

I am better at it now than I used to be, but I struggle with separation of her body' death and the life of her soul.

I know what made Jae Lynn so wonderful was her soul and it/she/that will live forever.
But I want her body.
I loved it dearly.
I want to see, hear and hold her.

I love her soul.
It lives.
Just as surely as I live and type this post.,...Jae Lynn lives.
In fact, she is probably more alive than I.
But her "soul" doesn't fill her chair at our supper table.
Her soul does not sleep in her bed under my roof.
Her soul does not make an appearance at our family gatherings.

Or does it?

sigh
I wish I understood.

An 85 Year Old Blessing

2010-02-08T01:12:00.002-06:00

85 years ago today, my mom was born.

I don't know why, but this milestone for her has become significant for me. I think back to so many years ago, and it occurs to me that my present is so wrapped up in her past.
She was raised by Leslie and Mary Bushey in East St. Louis before it was named the most crime-ridden city in America.
She has told me stories of dances with young soldiers, cross-country trips as a young woman, dates with my daddy, farm life as a city girl and teaming with dad to raise a family with very little money.

Growing up in the Jeffers home left me with memories of a stay-at-home mom, lots of free play time, being cared for when I was sick, visitors coming in and out almost every single day, observations of parents who were madly in love, open displays of physical affection, dancing in the kitchen, moral absolutes, devotion to the local church and most of all love, fear and reverence for the Lord.

Mom buried an infant son between David and Bobby. We often wondered what impact this brother of mine would have had in our family. I miss his presence, but not, I'm sure, as much as mom does.

I observed her 45 year-long-distance care for her weaker older sister in Dallas, Texas.
Another aunt of mine, daddy's sister, was brought into our home for recuperation after the ravages of a stroke and alcoholism.
For years.
Then there was dad. His stroke was the one thing he feared the most and mom faced it as if it had happened to her.

She told me once before that losing her mother was the hardest day of her life. To this day, she still expresses regret that she was not at her side during those final moments. That was decades ago and it still pains her.

She also is tormented with dad's final hours. She left his side at the insistence of all of us as well as the ICU staff. Thankfully, we were called back in time and she was able to hold his hand as he entered into Heaven.

I'll always remember one time after I gave a series of lessons at church on "Finding our purpose in Life" that she mused to me ..."I don't know what my purpose is. I just don't know." Besides the fact that my wise mom was asking my opinion about her spiritual life, I was struck by her train of thought that she considered her life as one with very little impact.
Her life-time of caring for others and taking such wonderful care of daddy after his stroke had limited her Independence and maybe in her mind removed her opportunities for service?

Our culture today places importance on making a difference on a large scale. Touch thousands of people and then you are "successful"....touch only a few and you are only "average".

Mom has an intelligent alert mind that is limited by an aging body. I can only imagine how frustrating that must be.

In this world, my 85 year old mom has probably touched several hundred people directly, but though her husband, children, friends and students of her Sunday school classes her influence reaches well into the thousands. She has not won any awards or prizes to speak of here, but she knows that her real reward is not of this world. She told me just the other day, that living with an eternal perspective makes living here more meaningful.
I see it.

My mom is a living testament to agape love.
Isn't that exactly what God wants us to do with our lives?
I have not always been the best daughter,..but she has certainly been the best mom.
I am rising up today to call her Blessed!

Happy Birthday mom!
I will write you another letter on this blog when you reach 100!

A risk-taking Leper

2010-02-01T09:34:00.004-06:00

Abby and I are going to study the gospel of Mark for a while. Our pastor preached in Mark the other day, and I realised I have virtually NO handwritten notes in the margin! That my friends, is a sure sign that I don't know much about the passage there.
It's a way big pity that I have no notes in the margins of several other books of the bible as well!

Mark 1:40

The leper knelt down in front of Jesus and whispered,..

"If you are willing, You can make me clean."

This man was physically devastated, socially ostracized and emotionally bankrupt.
Yet,..he had had knowledge and hope.
This leper knew that Jesus could heal,..but he doubted if He would.
His history told him that he would be rejected again.
Reason told him to not bother.

Yet,..it was worth it to ask.

He took a chance with his life by even coming near enough to kneel in front of Jesus.

Some people get abused by life and are eaten up with bitterness.
Not this man.

He still had hope.
His life was meaningless without healing and he risked his life to ask for it.

Against all odds,..he was still a risk taker.

He's a picture of what I am to be.
"Lord,..if you are willing, you can __(fill in the blank)___"
Heal my broken heart?
Bring my church to life?
Protect my children?
whatever else is keeping me up at night?

I know in my head God can do all things, but I am not convinced that He is always willing.
Lack of Faith?
Absolutely not.
Take, for example March 18, 2004.

How do I know what His will is?
His ways are not mine and He specifically tells me to not lean on my own (pitiful) understanding.
Still, I know I am to hope for the good things I desire and to have the boldness to ask for them.

I want to be a hopeful risk taker.
No bitterness, no regrets.

First 2010 Inventory

2010-01-20T21:21:00.002-06:00

Resolution for 2010:
Set frequent goals.

Resolution from last year that I did not keep:
Almost every one of them.

The book I'm currently reading is:
"Third Base Ain't What It Used To Be" by Logan Levkoff. Our teens are beginning a weekly bible study on the Song of Solomon and purity in relationships and I get to be a group leader!
(I'm sure Abby is thrilled)

I'm stressed about:
What am I always stressed about?
Wouldn't you know that we'd be trying to raise 18 kazzillion dollars right in the middle of a frazzlin depression.
When we first began Jae's memorial scholarship, we agreed that we wanted it to be "God-story".
Impossibility is the platform for a miracle.....right?

What I am excited about:
Abby's soft heart.
The young'n isn't perfect...no no no. She can go from calm to hysterical in 3 seconds flat, but she is listening and learning and seriously tries to do the right thing.
Now if I could only force her to switch her high school major to academics rather than friends.

What I am also excited about:
Casey.
She worked out near impossible details in order to graduate this May.
She is excited and scared to death.
She may not know what she wants to do in life, but she's positive that she wants to be done with school!

Another thing I'm pumped about is:
Ralph cleaned off the top of his dresser.

I wish I could:
Burn.

My current Bible study is in:
Nehemiah.

The song that's moved me recently is:
"His Favorite Song of All". It's by Phillips, Craig and Dean and is at least 15 years old. There's a few songs which I simply HAVE to listen to at an ear-splitting volume. Someday I will get a ticket for either the noise or the 85 mph speed that I go when this song is on.

I was glad that I:
made Abby read Dr. Martin Luther King's letter from the Birmingham jail.

I am frustrated that I:
opened my mouth way too much over some irritating things recently.

My new phrase for this moment in my life is:
Passionate Patience.

2009's List Which NO ONE wanted to know

2010-01-18T22:03:00.000-06:00

A completely unofficial list of personal thoughts from 2009.

TV show
Best: Spike TV's "Destroyed in 8 seconds"
Worst: All CSI shows,..which run 24/7 on all stations.

Movie
(This category is limited since I only recall seeing 1 this year)
Best: Blindside
Worst: I swear I can't remember another single movie that I've seen this year! (?)

Date with Ralph
Best: All dates with Ralph are in this category

Car Ride
Best: An early fall trip to Fayetteville with Ralph to watch the Razorbacks.
Worst: Atlanta to the Youth Specialties conference.

Ministry moment
Best: Feeding the homeless Thanksgiving weekend under the Broadway bridge. It was wonderful to have an abundance to give away.
Worst: Running out of food under the Broadway bridge as we fed over 130 homeless men.

Song
Best: Hearing Abby play The Rainbow Connection on her guitar. We sang this every night in her bed when she was tiny.
Worst: everything that raps

Scary moment
Best: (is there a "best" in this category?)
Worst: there's not one moment here, but rather 6 long weeks of scary moments as Casey traveled the US on her own in a million year old truck.

Funny moment
Best: My father-in-law needed a quick place to throw away some raisins while he was sitting near My mom-in-law's hospital bed. He dropped them into a bedside commode nearby. When my mother-in-law got OFF of it later in the day,...the nurse looked into it and said,....well,..you only went raisins! (hee hee,..nurse humor I guess)

Book
Best: A Diary of Private Prayers by John Baille
Worst: Lovely Bones

Job
Best: Expressing my love for co-workers/patients as we dissolved part of Cardiac Rehab.
Worst: Spending a day taking my resume all over Little Rock.

Nursing
Best: Successfully removing a large sheath out of a patient's femoral artery.
Worst: Being in a position where I am unable to develop relationships with patients .

Emotional
Best: Getting to know Casey's half-brother Adam. Three years ago, we didn't even know he existed.
Worst: Being angry at someone who was ridiculously rude.

Children
Best: Watching Abby perform in band competitions
Worst: Missing one of Abby's band competitions.
Best: Casey's return from a summer of living large.
Worst: A text message from Casey (in No. Carolina) which filled me with fear for her safety.
Best: Watching Abby lead worship on Sunday mornings

Pets:
Best: All things about Ralph's hairy daughter.
Another best: My new horse,..Pete.
Catastrophic: BC (barn-cat) is pregnant. I thought she was a he.

Gift
Best: My t-shirt that says..."The Donut Whisperer"
Worst: No no! not gonna tell!

Passionate Patience

2010-01-10T22:13:00.004-06:00

II Timothy talked to me the other day about perseverance.
Occasionally, when I read a passage of scripture, I search the same passage in another translation for a different perspective. The Message translated "perseverance" into a phrase called "passionate patience".

Well Well Well.

What pray tell do I need to be passionate about in regards to my patience?

My job.
My church.
My daughters.
Myself.
My electric blanket which apparently is not one of those blankets with a brain.
My computer keyboard which prints an "i" only about half the time I hit it.
My job.
Some people.
Some other people.
One other person.
Myself.
My new TV remote.
Abby's cleaning abilities.
My kitchen faucet which sprays water 180 degrees out.
My clothes dryer which dries on every setting at 895 degrees.
My washing machine which just might walk around the utility room when it spins a load of towels.
The defroster on my car. I have 185,000 miles on that thing and still can't work the stupid defroster.
My outside dog which will kills every attractive flower and plant in my yard but protects the weeds and poison ivy.

Greg Long has a song entitled "In The Waiting" and when I hear it I know that Greg has also wrestled with this waiting business.
Here's some of his words:

Pain.
The gift nobody longs for,.... still it comes.
and somehow leaves us stronger when it goes away.
It seems the hardest part is waiting on You
when all I really want is just to see Your hand move.

I want a peace beyond my understanding.
I wanna feel it fall like rain in the middle of my hurting
I wanna feel Your arms as they surround me
and let me know that it's OK.
To be here in this pain
resting in the peace that only comes in the waiting.

Peace?
Passion?
Patience?
Perseverance?
How about,....pitiful?

It's a great thing that He is strong when I am weak.
It's a great thing His mercies are new every morning.
I'm so glad He loves me and knows my heart.

The Joys of Nursing

2010-01-05T20:00:00.002-06:00

A very few of the funny moments in the professional life of Becky Russell RN:
(Real names and situations, of course, are not revealed)

**Preparing to bathe a patient,...only to discover that the lady in the next bed had already done it.

**Working for an hour or so in an patients room who was in isolation. As I prepared to exit the room, I whisked the door curtain back and saw through the glass my co-worker wrestling with our only other patient in the ICU. Cheryl had evidently been calling out for me for some time, but I never heard her.

**Calling a patient's husband at home to inform him that his wife was ready to be discharged. He told me that he did not have a ride to come get her, so I encouraged him to get someone to help him solve this problem.

He called 911.

**Looking up from my chart to see my patient coming down the hall towards me naked. I immediately got up to go towards him and he began running away from me screaming ''HELP!!! HELP!!!"....Like I was abusing him.

**Being asked to assist in the Emergency room. I went into one room to ask a man his name and he replied Buck. I wrote that down and asked his last name to which he replied "nekkid".
"Buck Nekkid" I said? "That's your name? "
I asked for ID and of course,..he had none. because he had no where to put it. He was buck nekkid.
Mr. Nekkid was treated and released.

**Having an orderly to assist me as I got an elderly lady into a chair. She was straining to help us when she.....tooted. My wonderful chivalrous orderly tried to spare her embarrassment by saying "Excuse me". She glared at him and wanted all the credit: "You didn't do that! That was MY fart!"

**Taking a life-sized Resusci-Annie home in my car. The stories here go on and on.

**A very large family member who washed and then hung out her big big panties in the waiting room to dry.

I think I may even know the lady in this video......

Christmas 2009

2009-12-27T20:35:00.007-06:00

I will not be one of those people who enter the Christmas season just wishing it was over.
However, I will also not ignore the strain that I feel this time of the year.
We all have the stress of the holidays, even those of us who try hard to focus on the true meaning.
Can we really escape it?
Can we really enjoy the entire Christmas season with all of it's crowds, parties and programs?
Those of us who love to shop often feel pressure to find a ~~perfect~~ suitable gift for the ones we love but who already have everything.

Our family (Jeffers and Russells) decided this year to really and truly "scale back". We've talked about it before,..but this year most of us really did it. Our plans were to spend our time/money on something which had a positive impact on others.
It was wonderful and I loved it.
I'm not relating the following info to make us look special or holier than others, but I'm sharing what has helped bring more meaning to my life during a wonderful but painful time.

Between all of us, we provided Christmas for several children through the Salvation army, we fed and clothed the hungry through an established organization in Little Rock and we established an award which will be given to a high school student in the North Pulaski Chorale department. It is in memory and honor of two of my favorite singers,..my father, Louie and his granddaughter Jae Lynn.

It's called the

Barefoot Singer Award

Singing with no shoes symbolizes vulnerability, passion and freedom

from barriers and inhibitions.
Singing barefooted heightens the senses of the
performer as well as the listener
by incorporating physical touch and sight

into the creation of musical sounds.

This award in presented tonight in memory of a singer who loved to
perform barefooted on this very stage.
When Jae Lynn Russell’s voice left us in 2004,
the entire choral department of North Pulaski came together,
removed their shoes and performed in her honor.

A Barefoot Singer will have a song
on their mind, in their heart and on their lips
in what ever circumstances they are in.

A Barefoot Singer will sing just as surely as they will breathe
and music is not so much considered a part of their life

as it is a part of their soul.
A Barefoot Singer is a lover, a dreamer and believes that
magical things can happen when music is in the air.

Although this Barefoot Singer award is going to a very talented individual,

it not their ability which sets them apart from their peers.
Rather,....it is their love of the song.

I don't know all of my readers and followers but I have loved your company this year.
Merry Christmas friends.

Teddy

2009-12-14T18:38:00.007-06:00

Shopping today in June's Hallmark of NLR almost led me into one of those Christmastimehumdingerhissyfits.
Have you ever had one of those?
I wrote about them here.

My time spent the past couple of days with Casey and Abby has left me pining for my other daughter.
What would Jae be like today?

Today, in the Hallmark store, I was reminded of a time, years ago, when I was in there shopping for something. Jae was about 8 years old and as we entered the store, her eye fell onto a small red teddy bear sitting in the middle of a hundred other stuffed animals. She gasped, knelt down in front of the rack, picked up the bear and followed me through the store. She cooed and whispered to it the entire time as I browsed for forgettable things.

She begged me for it.
Begged me I tell ya.

I said "no".

You should have witnessed the emotional parting she and this red teddy bear had right there in the aisle of that busy store.
It was a quiet separation but I knew she felt as if she was leaving someone special.

I recall a similar time when in a toy store at Branson, Jae saw a doll named "Polly Flinders". The minute she saw the doll, we could tell that it was different. She seemed to connect with it in a way that we had not seen before.
Her desire for Polly Flinders could best be described as ......desperate.
Even after Jae no longer played with dolls, Polly was never put away.

For some reason, this red teddy in the hallmark store seemed to be similar to Polly, so as soon as I could, I returned to purchase him for one of her Christmas presents.

Teddy became a very important member of our family.
He frequently got buckled in beside her in our family van, he slept on her pillow each night, waited for her to come home each day, he camped with us, accompanied us to Disney, occasionally went to church and he faithfully attended every cheer competition.
He was present as she filled her journals at night and I'm positive he was privy to many of her night-time musings.

In June's hallmark store today, I recalled Jae Lynn kneeling there and meeting Teddy for the first time.

I wanted to tell each mother in the store to buy whatever their kids wished for.

Teddy now sleeps in my room with me.

Mr Bean

2009-12-07T22:05:00.003-06:00

My family loves Mr. Bean

annoying ads at the bottom...be sure to "x" them out if they pop up!

The Journey

2009-11-29T21:45:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking lately about my purpose.

I guess I should try again to read Rick Warren's book about the purpose-driven life.

Nah.

I think I just need to remember a few things:

Like God is much more concerned about my heart than He is my successes.

He doesn't need me to be good at anything,..He just wants me to be faithful and obedient.

If I can exercise consistent Godly characteristics,

then His ministry will occur through me.

Little ole me.

Having an eternal Kingdom impact.

Although I am not in a true leadership position anywhere,

I have found that I am constantly leading people.

In most of my relationships at work and church, my old age (!) has given me

much experience in a variety of interesting things.

As a leader, I want to remember to be the biggest servant.

I don't want to have a "disdain for the mundane".

If I'm stacking chairs after a church event, then I want to be the best chair stacker ever.

If I'm washing dishes, then I want others to see me standing joyful at the sink.

Does God care about dishes and chair-stacking?

Maybe or maybe not, but I know

He cares about how I feel and act when performing those tasks.

I can't expect any type of ministry in my life to flourish if I don't

seek God through prayer and scripture.

Desiring a close walk with God won't get me there.

Feeling guilty is non-productive.

Church attendance is important but by itself will not sustain a life of purpose and ministry.

It's not enough to discuss God and His wonderful ways.

I can surround myself with good dancers, talk all day of my dancing skills,

and immerse myself in performances,

but that doesn't make me a dancer.

My life is about the journey.

Unexpected detours seem to be in the plan.

The only place I need to "arrive" at is Heaven.

Youth Workers Convention

2009-11-23T19:11:00.007-06:00

I don't think Satan wanted me to go to Atlanta this weekend.
There were 5 of us scheduled to go to the Youth Specialties Youth Workers Convention and each one of us had serious issues which made us want to stay or be home.
Four of us made the trip in our tiny ~~capsule~~ Mazda and arrived at 4 frazzlin o'clock in the morning!
We pull up to the Omni hotel which appears to have no lobby or parking lot. We somehow wind up in a valet area and are immediately surrounded by tuxedoed valets who did a great job at hiding their disgust with our old dented-up car filled with bubble gum wrappers and a hundred M&M's (which got thrown during a fierce fight).

Now, I need to tell you right here, that somehow, during the 8-9 hours ride sitting in a back seat the size of a milk crate, something serious happened to my right knee.
It began to hurt around Memphis, was killing me at Birmingham and absolutely locked-up as we drove into Atlanta.

It simply would not work.

As Ralph, Levi and Jackie unloaded the car, I was sent by the bellman to the elevator towards the 4th floor for check-in.
Dragging my leg across the cavernous deserted lobby towards 3 fresh-looking desk clerks, they greeted me professionally and I handed them my credit card. One of them apologized and said "I'm sorry ma'am, you have a Marriot credit card and this is an Omni Hotel chain. We can not accept this credit card."

It's four a.m.
My right leg has a mind of it's own.
I'm too tired to think.
"What?"
He apologizes and repeats that the "Omni hotel does not accept credit cards which have other hotel names printed on them."

I had options here.

I could pull out another card

I could crawl over the desk and use his tie to choke the snot out of him.

I think he saw clearly that I was going for the second option because he laughed and yelled "I'm just kidding! Oh My Gosh! I'm joking! I'm so sorry ma'am,..I can see how tired you are and I should not have pranked you like that! Please forgive me!"

I should have known.

Welcome to the National Youth Workers Convention.

The weekend was wonderfully filled with refreshment and inspiration and I'm looking forward to sharing some it of here soon.

What's On Your Mind?

2009-11-17T19:59:00.009-06:00

I wonder sometimes, as I live, work and socialize with different people, what types of agonies lurk in the front of their minds as they carry on conversations with me.

As I laugh and joke about mundane things, mention newspaper articles or comment on life,..have my friends been mentally and emotionally sidetracked by horrible memories?

Could my friends be making a valiant attempt to respond to my conversation but deep inside their head, they are mulling an internal pain which would silence me if I knew of it?

That happened to me today.
I excused myself from the crowd so I would not make a scene.
Was I angry?
Nope.
Were they insensitive?
Not really,..they didn't know me "before" so don't fully understand the sharp trajectory change my life has taken.
It's not noticeable to the eye.
I have a deep wound which appears healed, but festers under the surface.

My friends would not know that their topic of discussion began a mental train of thought which could not be stopped.
I could not tell them that as they were talking an joking among themselves that I was replaying a nightmarish scene that played itself out in my front yard of the afternoon of March 18th, 2004.
There are some pains which are never forgotten.
It becomes part of us without us wanting it to be so.
The hurt defies description, yet,.. it's ordinary and normal.
We pray to be separated from it, but it's utterly impossible.
It ebbs and fades at times, but we feel it from a distance knowing it will return.
We all say that "Pain comes to us all", but sleeping, waking and living with it is so,......painful.

It's not crippling by any means, but it is lonely.
Very lonely.

Maybe it's the grief of losing someone who we don't think we can live without.
Maybe it's the loss of love through divorce or rejection.
Violence inflicted upon us by another.
Physical illness and suffering.
A prodigal child.
Addiction.

Whatever it is,..it's is never far from the mind.

I must remember that when I interact with people.
I must remember that about me.

Matthew

2009-11-10T18:35:00.004-06:00

My book to study this month is Matthew.
Some of the things I learn in my study almost seem so elementary that I often find myself ashamed because I'm just now learning them
I think,.."everyone knows these things except me!"
Well, I'm not disclosing what I learned today at my kitchen table because you would think me a big doofus.

I WILL however, mention other interesting (to me) observations from my last couple of days in Matthew:

There are four women listed in Matthew's discussion of Jesus' linage.
Two were prostitutes. (Tamar and Rahab)
One was an adulterous. (Bathsheba)
The last one mentioned was from a sworn enemy people of the Jews. (Ruth)

John the Baptist is in the middle of a verbal tirade against the Pharisees and Sadducees when his cousin Jesus appears out of nowhere, pecks him on the shoulder and asks to be baptized. John switches instantly from a loud confident prophet to a knowledgeable but humble (confused?) brother.
I would have loved to have witnessed this moment shared between the two of them.

After Jesus was baptized,..the Spirit of God descended and "hovered" on Him as a dove. Did you know that in the second verse of Genesis 1,..before the world was formed,..the Spirit of God "hovered" over the darkness?
The Spirit of God as a tiny dove vs the Spirit of God hovering over a huge unformed planet.
One and the same.

Weekend Reflections

2009-11-08T21:44:00.005-06:00

Went to Fayetteville this week-end to spend time with Casey. The Hogs just happened to play so I watched them too.
Here's some random reflections from the weekend.
**************************************
Casey cleaned her apartment in anticipation of our arrival. Imagine that.

Breakfast at the Cracker Barrel is a great date.

The lady who sat next to me at the football game cried during the National anthem.

Casey's roommate is an Interior Design major. She's been "in studio" now for about 36 hours straight. Her schedule the past two semesters has been insane.
Mama's...don't let your babies grow up to be Interior Designers.

Every single coach and manager on the South Carolina Football team wears their pants about 4 inches too long.

If Jae were still with us, she would more than likely be a senior cheerleader at some university.

Casey plans, travels and roams because she still grieves deeply.

Abby is right now, the same age as Casey was when we lost Jae.

I am reminded that some of the most important jobs I can do or my girls is to pray, love and listen.

Anytime I see sunrises, sunsets, pretty moons, rainbows or storms,..I wonder what it all looks like from Heaven's viewpoint.

I love to come home.

I found out that we now have the BET channel on our TV.

Oh joy. Another channel to block.

Abby still fits nicely in my lap.

And lastly,.....a moment form the Hogs football game that I always look forward to.....

Storms

2009-11-05T20:14:00.005-06:00

Last week, our area experienced a torrential rainstorm which flooded many of our roads and bridges. As I drove home through the worst of it, I unexpectedly found myself driving through the deepest water I ever recall driving through.
I was in it before I knew it was there.

After being home about 20 minutes, I received a call from my mom who, to my dismay, had also been out in this storm.
Mom does not see well at night and the short distance she was driving was flooded which forced her to drive miles out of her way.
In the dark.
In the rain.
And she had forgotten her cell phone.

Mom has driven these roads for 50 years.
She knows every bump and dip.
She knows every home and mailbox along each road.
The distance was short....maybe a mile.
When she left home hours before, the weather was fine.

But Thursday night, the circumstances became very different.
Outside influences changed the normal into the unrecognizable.
Old knowledge was not useful.
What should have been an effortless drive was replaced by danger, worry and fear.

My brothers and I all sat in our homes unaware of what our mom was going through.

What are the lessons here for me?

1. People get blindsided by life.

It happened to me and I bet it will you too.

It nobodies fault,...Life just happens.

One minute you are safe, the next you are near-drowning.

2. Storms are normal.

However, I, like some of you, think storms are unfair.

3. We often don't realise that the people we love are in danger.

They don't tell us?

They can't tell us?

We don't ask?

4. God always knows exactly where we are.

Thank goodness He is reachable even when we are too frightened

or overwhelmed to seek Him.

He is the original "wireless".

5. Worrying about my parents is right up there with worrying about my kids.

I must ~~nag~~ ~~fuss~~ remind mom that we are not reachable when she is without her cellphone.

Riding Pete Into War

2009-11-01T20:34:00.004-06:00

Last night, Bro David referred to a text in Revelation 19 which describes the last battle.

It is in our future when the curtain of time is dropping and

all the forces of evil are gathered to fight against

He who is called Faithful and True.

The army will be all dressed up in white wedding garments

and riding on white horses behind Jesus Christ.

Now who in the world wears white to go into battle?

And who goes to war after a wedding?

Me!

And you.

But I don't think we really have to fight.

Good thing, because I'm afraid I'd have trouble staying on the horse,

much less fighting on one.

Does this all sound a little far-fetched?

Yep...it does to me too.

However,...if we're going to believe the Bible, then we need to believe the whole thing.

How exciting!

Early Morning Revival

2009-10-27T20:04:00.004-05:00

What were you doing at 5:45 this morning?
That's about the time of the morning when I get into my car and head towards work.

The last few weeks have been ones of emotional conflict for me.
Last Saturday, I became involved in a situation at work (the new job which I'm struggling to enjoy) and was pretty dadgum frustrated that this "particular situation" kept me from attending Abby's band competition. I can't share details here because it would involve discussing details of a patient, but by the time I clocked out that evening, I had been stretched physically, emotionally and even spiritually.

Moments later, while in a store running an errand, Ralph called me as he sat in the stands of Forrest City High School when Abby's band marched out onto the field. He held the phone in the air and I listened to her entire band performance as I stood in the frazzlin paint section of WalMart.
I nearly cried with disappointment.

Then late last night, I became involved in another work-related situation which left me feeling exhausted.

and frustrated.

and tired.

and confused.

and scared.

So back to this morning.....

At about 5:45 this morning, I began a long hard talk with myself and had a long wonderful talk with God.

I don't claim to be one of those people who say things like "......AND GOD TOLD ME........."

Nope.

God just doesn't seem to communicate with me that way.

But this morning, I begged God to keep me passionate about life.

I begged Him (literally) to keep me "on the edge" of living all out for Him.

I've been there before and I don't want to be satisfied with anything less.

Lately, I've been spiritually tepid and I hate it.

I want to be fully there....where ever I am.

I want to live with an expectancy of watching Him work.

It's not that I've been doubting God, but more that I've been trying to figure out things by myself.

Just not involving Him much.

Going through the motions, but no real reliance on or use of Faith.

My prayers this morning brought an exciting time of clarity for me.

My situation has not changed at work, and I don't have a clue of what's in store for me, but I'm feeling much more confident that He will hold true to His word of having plans for my hope and my future.

It's all about your heart Becky.

It's all about your heart Becky

Jae's Artistic Church Moments

2009-10-21T21:48:00.007-05:00

This afternoon, as I cleaned out some old papers and books from my office,

I found a workbook of Jae's.

She was always prone to doodle and write as she "listened".

Here's my favorite picture and danged if I know how it

and the next one ended up sideways!

Just tilt your head to the right a bit......

I think I recall this moment myself....

(hee hee)

The pic below says

"This is me is 5 minutes"

Is that not the sweetest?

I sat in the floor of my office and missed her with a

physical intensity that made me

short of breath.

I'm still that way tonight.

The world misses her.

Where Have I Been?

2009-10-20T22:39:00.005-05:00

I could tell you that I've not blogged because I've been too busy.
It wouldn't be true.

I could say that I've not blogged much recently 'cause I've been depressed about my job issues.
Nope. That wouldn't be true either.

Maybe I haven't blogged because I've had writer's block?
(What is that anyway? Writer's block? I think you have to be a real writer to have "writer's block".)
That rules me out.
No writer's block for me.

How about, I haven't blogged because my Internet went out for almost a week?
Yep. True.
Internet usually goes off anytime the modem gets beat to crumbs. (not me)

Here's a few other (true) reasons :

Cleaning house. (DEEP cleaning house)
(No. I absolutely will NOT come clean yours)
Searching for a new job.
Going to band competitions and practices and games. (the North Pulaski band rocks!)
Mucking horse stables. (Did you know the average horse poops every two hours?)
Chasing horses that get out of old fences.
Watching Fox News.
Reading.
Sleeping late three mornings in a row. (Heaven!)
Oreos.
Watching my mom's dog (full time. Bad doggy)
Porch swinging.
Texting. (I'm slow)
Watching Spike TV shows about police chases.
Shopping for landscape plants to purchase, plant and kill.
WalMart.
Church.
Long talks with Abby and Casey.
Wondering what Jae Lynn is doing in Heaven right now.
Watching home movies.
Wondering where time goes.
Planning my cruise to the Bahamas.
(Not true)

Last Day In Cardiac Rehab

2009-10-08T21:25:00.010-05:00

I took a bunch of pictures but can not post most of them because of HIPPA laws.

However, a few photos just have my co-workers.

Here are Daniel and Levi appearing all professional.

These two fellas are notorious for lifting cell phones out of unsuspecting patient's pockets and then changing the screen to their photograph.

I happen to know, however, that they are not angelic as they appear here.

They doctored the above picture on my camera into the photo you see below.

and here you will see that Levi has stolen MY glasses

and Daniel has stolen MY doughnut.

Below is a fuzzy picture of me and Deonna that I would

remove from this blog if I could figure how.

My other nurse co-worker Julie only had her pic taken with other patients

so I can't show her on here.

Glen is my boss. The picture below is a rare one

because he never lets us photograph him.
(Levi stuck his hand around the corner of the door to snap this pic)

Our work station

and the exercise area which is usually FULL of patients!

I deeply love this team and will miss working with them!

My Job

2009-10-08T20:55:00.006-05:00

Many of you have asked (thank you) about my job status ever since I mentioned here that the one I loved for the past 3.5 years has "gone away". (grrr)

Here's the scoop:

When my current job in cardiac rehab was phased out, I was promised a job in a small new unit called Cardiac Observation. Basically, it's a place cardiac patients can stay a few hours or perhaps the night while we monitor them.

I already know and love the staff and I don't particularly mind the 12 hours shifts but,.. the bad part is, that I am scheduled to work every other Saturday. Now that I just cain't do!

My humble (but important to me) social calender is booked!

Going to watch the Razorbacks gives me the excuse to go spend the weekend with Casey. Also Abby Rae has band competitions which is the funnest thing I've gotten to be involved in with her. These band competitions rank right up there with Jae's competitive Cheerleading competitions and Casey's ball tournaments.

So. I've been job-hunting.

Three interviews later, I am convinced that for the time being, I am to go on and park my little ole self in the Cardiac Observation Unit for awhile. There is a job on the horizon which I hope will pan out in the next few weeks, but until then,..I will give my patients and co-workers my undivided enthusiasm (which very well could overwhelm them - hee hee).

This week I'm on vacation.
My accomplishments for the week?
I finished off an entire package of Double-Stuff Oreos.

No Nobodies In Heaven

2009-10-05T20:43:00.002-05:00

Have you ever wondered how God will be able to pay attention to each one of us in Heaven?
If there are a few million of us there, then how will He even know that I've arrived?
If I'm surrounded by King David, Moses, Mother Teresa, and other saints from past and present, won't I end up being just a big "nobody" in Heaven?

(I know you are probably thinking,..I hope God don't put Becky and her sorry attitude in a mansion near me!)

The other night, Bro David mentioned something about Heaven which made me wonder if Heaven may possible be similar to warm loving family get-togethers here.
Up until the time that daddy passed away over a year ago, my entire family would gather at his house. Not because it was the best home or most convenient location, but we came to 8214 Centennial because daddy and momma were there.
One by one, each family member would arrive. Usually, daddy could hear us on the back porch before we entered the kitchen so his eyes were on the door as we arrived. Some of us arrived alone and some of us entered the front door all wadded up as a group. One of the first things we did on arrival was go to his chair to greet him.
During our family gatherings, we would mill around throughout the house laughing and talking to each other, sometimes speaking directly to daddy, sometimes talking to others near his chair and sometimes out of his sight. Regardless, we knew that we were a loving family and we were bound together through our strongest link,...our "patriarch".

If daddy spoke with Bobby or David, I didn't get jealous....I knew he loved each of us.
If daddy was having a conversation with one of the grandchildren, there was no one who was impatiently tapping a foot.
There was no competition for his attention. We all felt that it was simply good enough to be near him.

As the family circle grew larger through marriages and births, the family grew louder and love was multiplied. It grew harder and harder to get all of us together at the same time, but no matter who was missing, the family was incomplete without each person there.
Joyful and loving, but aware of absences.
I recall the days when we had each member there at the table. It was incredibly satisfying.

Maybe Heaven will be like that. Fellowship with each other will be taken to an entirely new dimension, but the best part will be that it will all happen in the "Presence" of God.
Being together,...and near Him will be enough.
He won't have to be giving me undivided attention for me to feel His love.

I bet He can't wait until we are all sitting at His supper table.
I imagine that He is enjoying the ones at his feet and His chair, but He is also aware of each one of us that's missing.

I can identify.

Cardiac Rehab

2009-09-28T21:29:00.004-05:00

In the summer of 2006, I entered a unit for the first time and had a conversation with the supervisor of the North Little Rock (Baptist) Cardiac Rehab department. I knew nothing about Cardiac Rehab, but was fascinated by their 12 hr/day work schedule....off every Tuesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday!
At that particular moment in my life, I needed time.
I wanted to be more available to help mom take care of daddy.
I wanted to devote more time to Jae's scholarship.
I wanted to be spend more time with Ralph, Casey and Abby.
I also was desperate to write.
The schedule was near perfect.

I knew the unit supervisor, Glen, through mutual friends and by professional reputation. I didn't request an interview with him but just busted into the unit unannounced and asked him if I would like it there. (!)
I recall telling him that I needed a job which made a difference in people's lives.
I wanted a job that "mattered".
Glen assured me that Cardiac Rehab was indeed life changing.

You see, at that moment in my life, I was still very broken.
Jae had been gone about 15 months and I felt very distracted. I was still doing the daily crying thing, I struggled with the frequent sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach but it appeared on the surface as if I was coping well with the grief.

I also remember at that time in my journey, that one of my survival techniques was to try to encourage other people.
NOT because I was good-hearted, no! no!.....I did it because it made me feel better.
Selfishness...pure and simple.
As I entered Cardiac Rehab that day in 2006, I had this crazy hope that I could make a difference in other people lives while dulling the ache within my own.

The job turned out to be everything I needed it to be.
No kidding,...going to work each day felt like I was going to a 12 hour church social.
In the North Little Rock Cardiac Rehab, hugs are given freely all day long.
Loud laughter abounds.
I know all about my patients children and grandchildren and they know about my girls.
I get to use my spiritual and professional gift of mercy and my patients in turn shower me with affection and affirmation.
I've been part of a staff which has assisted in identifying many life threatening conditions.
Each member of our small team (of 6) is a strong believer in Christ, but our differences are ridiculously huge.

For the hundreds of patients who have passed through our doors during the past 3 and 1/2 years, I think we have been an unusual mix of health care and entertainment. Not because we are especially talented, but because we quickly discovered that we deeply loved working together.
And.....we also deeply loved caring for our patients.

In two days, I will be walking away from this job that I love.
Our hospital is cutting it's services and we are being downsized.
Financially we are not lucrative, therefore our outcomes don't really matter.
(Health care 101. Don't get me started)

Where will I go? I'm not exactly sure.
But I can tell you that 3 1/2 years in a Cardiac Rehab has been just what this broken-hearted mom needed. Most patients complete the program in 8-12 weeks. It took this nurse a bit longer.

Cardiac Rehab for me.
Is God's plan not amazing?

Weak vs Strong

2009-09-22T08:51:00.004-05:00

Ouch!
I'm convicted.....my morning devo was Romans 14.

In these verses, Paul begs his friends in the church of Rome to stop nit-picking over rules and customs!
He reminds them to focus on each other hearts and souls.
He tells them to concentrate on the Kingdom and work of God.
In this chapter, Paul kinda implies that it is the weak Christians who are actually strong in their freedom.
But then he encourages the more mature believers to continue to walk in knowledge.

Personally, one of my weaknesses is that I am way too sensitive about criticisms of teenagers. I will bow up fast whenever someone stereotypes the younger generation into something negative. (for example,..my last post)

I believe that's what Paul was referring to as a "stumbling block".

The word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword and regularly pierces Becky at her breakfast table.
(my version)

Our Youngest And Our More Mature

2009-09-16T19:34:00.008-05:00

I am a million year volunteer at our church, but Levi is our "official" paid church youth minister. He does a fantastic job in spite of his hectic schedule and life,..married and raising a 1 year old, working two jobs and going to school!
He has chosen Romans 12:1-2 for our youth to focus on this semester: (you know this verse)
I beseech you therefore, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind so that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.

Ya know,...this culture is hard on our young brothers and sisters in Christ.
They live and exist in a cesspool of promiscuity, drugs, profanity and broken spirits. They walk the halls, sit in class and eat at the lunch table with un-churched kids who have never even heard of the joy of a life in Christ.
Christan teenagers are in a minority.
To attend church is a rarity in most teen groups, and to have teens who attend regularly and more than once a week is almost against all odds.

Hang on to your computer chairs friends, 'cause I'm fixin to rant.
Not about any one person, 'cause I don't know who "they" are.
But I'm hacked off,.HACKED OFF I say! at the more "spiritually mature" group of people in some of our churches.
I have two girls in our little youth group who have been working hard each Sunday morning to assist in leading worship. They are both beginning guitar players and the songs they are asked to play are not always easy. The music is not exactly their type,..as they usually don't play the guitar to "We'll work til Jesus comes", but they are eager and they are faithful.
Our worship leader is very encouraging, affirming and the girls are having a great time in their new roles.

Recently "someone" mentioned one of the girls was wearing a short skirt.
OK. Fine.
I agree.
I spoke with the two girls about how you can not wear short skirts on a stage.
You can see things which are not supposed to be seen, not to mention we don't want people staring at legs when we are trying to point them towards worship of the Most High God.
The girls agreed too.

"They need to smile more!" many people in the congregation have mentioned.
OK. Fine.
I spoke with the two guitar players and they agreed that "countenance" is important. However, they said, it's hard to stand up in front of everyone, sing, try to hit the right chords and smile all at the same time.
Watch all other guitar players.
Do they smile?
(no they do not)

Last Sunday night, the girls led the worship by themselves!
Woo Hoo!
Several people in the congregation complimented them and for that, I am appreciative.
Several, however, were supposedly "bothered" that the girls were leading, one in knee length shorts and the other with holes in their jeans.

Not respectful?
Do I really think God is offended and feeling disrespected because of shorts and jeans with holes? Is that His rule?
Can I ask "Who are the mature ones here"?!
Why do some people treat their youngest, strongest brothers and sisters this way and then wonder why the kids don't stay in the church?
For me personally, I can hear 100 compliments and 1 criticism,..but which remark do you think stays in my head the longest?
How much more so for our dedicated, but insecure, teenagers?

I've told Levi that I'm not gonna take it any more and I don't want him to either. When he or I get a complaint from the more "spiritually mature", I am not going to nod and agree to discuss it with the kids.
Rather, I will ask those people how often they have said good things towards these kids who sit week after week in the front row of pews.
I will ask them what they know about the culture that these kids are forced to exist in daily.
I may ask them how often they pray for these kids by name.
I will tell them that the teens of our church are actually some of the strongest believers on their campus.
They would be doubtful, I bet, because the teens get on stage with,..(gasp),..shorts! holy jeans!
Oh for cotton-pickin sake.

deep breath........

I think that God is pleased with the fact that there is a remnant in this young generation of your church and mine who are not "conforming to this world".
As they are learning this, and how to "transform their minds", I think we need to remember how slow WE are to learn things.

Lord, please help ME to always be an encouragement to those younger than me in the Faith.
(and to those older than me too)

Jae, a Friend and a Song

2009-09-13T21:30:00.005-05:00

My friend Mary Beth Chapman told a story recently on her blog which reminded me of one of my own special moments which happened about 16 months after Jae's accident.

One particular summer morning, I pulled a package out of our mailbox and saw it was from a distant friend. This person and I were friendly of course, but she was not someone that I had spoken with except in passing at various sports events. The package held a letter and a CD with a song which she felt I should have.
The following is a thank-you letter I sent to her and I think it will explain the story to you.

********************************************

Dear ________,
Thanks so very much for the CD of the song. Thanks even more for remembering that I am still so incredibly sad. It has been 16 months since the accident, and much to my surprise, I find myself having some good days here and there. I honestly would have not dreamed that good days would be possible for me again.
I wanted to let you know specifically how your song helped me last week.

Casey had been away at church camp for several days and she sent me a text message around 1130 PM. I had already gone to bed but heard the text signal, so I got up to read her message.
I am extremely bad about knowing the details of working my cell phone, and in the course of trying to read Casey’s message, I found a “file” of saved messages on my cell phone which I had never seen before.
Evidently Casey had taken my phone and saved all of Jae’s messages to me from the days and weeks before she was killed. She, of course, thought I knew about the file.

The first saved text message that I pulled up to read evoked one of my most precious memories of Jae Lynn on the morning of her 16th birthday. I recall over the past months wishing that I had somehow saved those messages (especially that particular one) and suddenly, at 1130 PM, I was suddenly and unexpectedly reading them.
It was as if I was, after all I have been through, hearing Jae say those words to me again.

Although I was thrilled with the discovery of Jae’s messages to me, I was overwhelmed and overcome with my loss of her presence.
There was no consoling me.
Alone, at midnight, sobbing in the dark, I remembered your CD which had arrived that very morning. I put it in and pressed “repeat”. I do not know how many times the song played, but I do know that I was able to go back to bed within a couple of hours.

How comforting it is for me to know that God cares about the hard moments of our life! He knew back when this song was written that He would somehow connect
the other mourners in their grief,
the song-writer who was inspired by their loss,
the recording artist,
and you
and me on one of my worst nights.

I am grateful that you went to the effort of sending it my way, 16 months after her death.
It ended up being much more than just a song.
　
Love,
Becky　

New Things For Me

2009-09-11T14:19:00.004-05:00

I have wondered for about a year now about whether my current employment is where God wants me to be. It is not that I dislike my job,..no no. In fact, if you knew my co-workers and my work environment,..you would be envious. I have never worked with such a dynamic and cohesive team.
For 36 hours, the 6 of us work in a room smaller than most of our living rooms.
The TV is going, we have 8-10 fans on high, we have 6-12 patients entering and exiting every hour, treadmills are humming, recumbent bikes and ellipticals are whirring and great conversation and laughter is a constant.
So why do I wish to leave?
I don't.
But I have just had this feeling that I may be supposed to do something else.
What?
I have no idea.

Yesterday, I was told that my job would be cut from our unit. (go ahead....gasp!)
Of all of us,..I have been at the Baptist system the longest, (almost 30 years) but in my department,..I am the newbie.
It's the fair way.
I've been given 3 weeks.
3 weeks?!!

Now that's pretty exciting isn't it?

My fingers nearly ran through my bible to find this passage this morning:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be made known unto God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
(Phil:4:6-7)

Discouragement And Faith

2009-09-03T21:32:00.007-05:00

Something I read recently:
"Faith is not a power. We don't simply summon faith up whenever we want to.
Faith is simply believing that God will do the things He says He will do. It's as simple as that."

Yeah right.

I believe that truth in my head, but my reality is that I often doubt God will do the things He says He will do.
I want to have Faith, but deep down, I have come to believe that what I really want is far different.
I want protection.
I want to feel secure.
I want my family to be healthy.
I want my church to be fresh and vibrant.
I want my daughters to be Godly young women.
I want to be free from apathy.
I want to be kept from catastrophes.

Why does it often seem to me that having faith also means I may have to embrace the very things I fear?

The famous Faith chapter in Hebrews is chock-full of awful experiences of His chosen ones. For instance,..the ones getting sawed in two,..... do you think they felt like heroes of Faith? I wonder if they found themselves doubting God at that last moment of their lives.
I imagine I would have been screaming my head off thinking that God had forsaken me.

My job is to follow God's ways as best I can, whoever I am with and in whatever circumstances I find myself in.
However,...when I'm full of self-doubt and discouragement, I have this notion that God won't stay near me. That He won't stay by this "faithless one".

Me, of all people,...the queen of doubters,... should know better.

Thank you God for knowing my head and my heart and for making spiritual sense of the things I feel and want as I walk through this life with You.
I am a fearsome wreck, but I believe that You can make me a fearsome wreck full of faith.

King Tut

2009-09-01T14:55:00.001-05:00

Did you know that the

King Tut exhibit

is coming to Arkansas?

Churches and Bars

2009-08-27T21:16:00.005-05:00

I have communicated recently with a dear friend who is hurting.
His life is hard.
Painful and full of fear for the future.
I know how that feels and you probably do as well.

My wonderful Aunt Eve was an alcoholic for a great deal of her life. Living alone in Dallas, she found a tremendous support system in the Alcoholics Anonymous Association. That great organization assisted her to remain sober for about 25 years before her death on Christmas eve of 2000.
She believed that her 25 years of sobriety was one of her greatest accomplishments.

Her way of following God did not resemble my path to Him.
Aunt Eve would never be described as a "church lady".
When she visited us here in Arkansas, she came to our church and was loved and welcomed, but I always get the feeling that she really didn't approve of our church.
I don't think she felt as if she fit in.
She was always eager to go home and get back to her "club" in the smoky Dallas AA meeting room. It was her church and she was a faithful attender every week.

Aunt Eve asked one day;
"Do you know the difference between your church and the local bar?"
Well now.
I (we) could think of several differences!
Differences like,....Cigarette smoke? Drunks? Poor lighting? Hookers? Sin?
Ya know,..important things that lots of us "church people" have strong opinions about.

"Do you know the difference between your church and the local bar?"
I will never forget her answer......
She said "The people at the bar will tell you the truth when you ask how they are doing."

Is that not the truth?
Is that not the truth.

Our culture values our privacy and independence, however, I think we could use a little more transparency. We go to church every Sunday and sit next to people who seem to have their life all in order.
That's discouraging for those of us who don't.

This Sunday, when people ask me "How ya doin?" ....I think I'll just blurt it out and tell them I'm a crazy mess.
Who knows,..I just may cheer someone up!

The Great Gulf Fixed

2009-08-23T23:09:00.004-05:00

Here is your scripture passage to ponder for the day.
(why thank you Becky for managing everyone's life)

Luke 16 tells a touching and sobering story about the rich man and Lazarus.
It's a familiar story to most of us but I'm hung up on a verse right smack in the middle of the story which usually doesn't get much attention.
If you recall, the rich man was in the torments of hell when he lifted up his eyes and saw Lazarus in Heaven and in Abraham's embrace. The rich man asked for mercy from Abraham and begged for Lazarus to be sent to him with even a small drop of water.

Here's the reply:
v. 25 But Abraham said, "Son, remember that in your lifetime, you received your good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things; but now he is comforted and you are tormented.
(this next part is what's giving me pause,..)
v.26 and besides all this, between us and you is a great gulf fixed so that those who want to pass from here to you cannot, nor can those from there pass to us."

"........Those who want to pass from here to you?....."
Do what?
Really?
There are instances of people in Heaven wishing to go to the occupants of hell?

This will be a point of discussion and study for me in the next couple of days.
One of the ways I changed the most since Jae's death is that I no longer accept some of the things which I've always thought to be true.
(and I'm tellin ya,..that's not always been a positive thing!)

Middle Of The Night Inventory

2009-08-20T02:44:00.007-05:00

Note the time.
(3:30am)
Does anyone out there do this besides me?

One thing that's keeping me from sleeping is
Ralph's hairy daughter. Sophie's been sleeping with Casey for a few weeks and now she's back in our bed because Casey's gone back to school.
Our kids hardly ever slept with us because I'm similar to "Princess and the Pea." Everything and anything will keep me awake.

A scripture that's recently inspired me is
the story of the prodigal son. I listened to my friend David Jeremiah preach on it as I drove home last night. I almost took the long way home so I wouldn't have to turn off the car radio. Instead I went ahead and drove home ..'cuase he's on a CD!! :) I get to listen again in just a couple of hours when I drive back in to work.
I just really really needed the reminder about the Father's grace.

The song that's been on my mind is
the one I posted on my other blog

I currently reading
no books.
Other blogs. Hey,...that counts!
In fact, go to my high school friend Rob's blog. Rob leonard is an incredible servant/writer/man of God. He's neck-deep and whole-heartedly in the trenches of a college ministry.
Passionate.
Vibrant.
I wish I knew my place in God's work like Rob does.

I'm currently spending a lot of time on
planning a video scavenger hunt for our church youth group this Saturday night.
Also trying to create a logo and design a website (which is way out of my league).
And gazing at my new horse.
Did I tell you we now have a "Draft horse"? This type of horse is a member of the Clydesdale family. We got him because the owner has a carriage business and "Pete" is too short to pull the carriage.
So.
I now own a runt Clydesdale.

One thing big in my future is
that I volunteered (somebody slap me) to organize the publicity for the national Gathering of Bereaved Parents which will be in Little Rock next summer. (Really,..just go ahead and knock some sense into me).

Something I'm pleased about is
Abby's first day of school. She came home all bubbly about her classes and schedule and it was fun to hear her talk about it all.

I wish
I could sleep.

A fun thing I did recently
was fill in about a hundred dates on our family calender. This is our busy season with Abby's band and Casey's games in Fayetteville.
Oh yeah! We also rented a pontoon boat last week for her 21st birthday. It was an incredible day. You see, although my family does a lot of camping, we are not "boat people". We have never owned a boat nor have any of us driven one.
Ralph had this massive party barge doing wide open figure 8's in the lake all day long. The other boats tried to avoid us I'm sure, but it was hard.... Ralph kept aiming for and driving through all of their wakes.

Ok dear friends,.... Thanks for staying up with me.
You've been a great listener!
(hee hee)

What The Teachers Did Right

2009-08-17T20:29:00.006-05:00

Our church is hosting a "Teacher appreciation" luncheon for the elementary teachers at our school across the road.
I am bringing crackers.
Crackers.

As I drove home from the grocery store, it occurred to me that crackers is a teeny tiny, too small of a thing to bring to the teachers who invested so much into the lives of my daughters, nieces and nephews.

They pour their lives into my children for years and I bring them crackers?

That's not a fair trade-off.

If Jae, Casey and Abby's teachers were right here in front of me, I would tell them this:

1. Thank you for the field trips, even though they were a lot of trouble. Most were educational, but they all created wonderful memories.
2. Thank you for requiring 30 minutes of reading 5 nights a week. That graded "homework" created a love for reading like no other assignment. You let them read whatever they wanted to and let them keep their own time-sheet. It was homework which created hours of close family time as we lay side-by-side reading books.
3. Thank you for using encouraging endearments and giving them affirming nicknames.
4. Thank you for laughing loudly when they are funny.
5. Thank you for not laughing when they would be embarrassed.
6. Thank you for playing with them at recess and occasionally eating with them at lunch time.
7. Your lesson plans which included art and music were worth the trouble. We talked about those often at our supper table.
8. Thank you for noticing that she needed glasses. How in the world did I miss that?
9. I am grateful that you have not tolerated mean and screaming co-workers in the other class rooms. Your professional peer pressure has kept the standards high.
10. I have been inspired as I observed you show God's love to kids who have never seen it or felt it before.
11. You daily teach and role model some of the most important lessons which are not found in the text-books. Important things such as... how to work through friend-squabbles, how to treat another child who does not wear deodorant and why we should give valentines to every child in the room. Many of the friendships formed in those classrooms have followed them throughout their life.
12. I really appreciatle how you encourasged me to keep "doing music" in their classrooms. I would have quit in a heartbeat if you hadn't told me what a big deal it was to the kids.
13. Your soft touch on their arm or their head has often spoken much louder than your words.
14. Even today, years after leaving your classroom, they love it when they appear in your doorway and you stop your class to introduce them as "one of your favorites".
15. Thank you for letting all of Lauren Lee's classmates skip school for several days after her death. They all desperately needed the time playing together in our yard.
16. It's odd to say that a good memory can be recalled from a child's funeral, but I will forever be grateful for the large number who filed in and sat together at Jae's funeral. Thank you for sobbing with me at such a loss.

Each of my children's paths were nurtured for hours in your care and I truly am grateful for your help as we formed them into the beautiful young women they now are.
They may look ordinary but they are the beloved daughters of the King of all Creation.

This first day of school, as you look out across your classroom full of fresh faces, remember that you are one of the most powerful people in this world.
Your influence will live for generations.

With deep appreciation
and crackers........,

Jae, Casey and Abby's mom

Gold-plated Addictions

2009-08-16T21:00:00.007-05:00

Tonight, I had the privilege of hearing William P Young's book "The Shack". You may or may not have read this book, but surely you have heard about it.
Surely.
AND if you have read it, you either:
loved it
or
you considered it heresy.
Most people are not neutral about it.

Here's my take on this book which I have read. (Also, believe it or not, I have also had this book sent to me anonymously twice. (twice!))

I have never thought it to be a lesson designed to impart deep theology.
I do not consider it a book about grief.
I honestly don't think he author planned on the vast circulation it has received.
I got frustrated about a third of the way through the book and put it down for several days. I hear this is a common behavior for many readers. Interesting.
It jumps smack in the middle of all of our prejudices.
I have a better concept of the trinity than I have ever had in my life.

I am no book reviewer, nor do I want to say that I agree with all of the symbolism I read about it. However, this author has an amazing testimony of the redemptive power and grace of God.

He spoke much about being "performance driven" as he dealt with all of his internal brokenness and addictions as a result of a horrible childhood. He reminded us all that some of us deal with the "bad" addictions (he mentioned drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, gambling,.etc) but that there are many of us who deal with "Gold-plated addictions" such as church roles, respect, significance, success, etc.
The problem with these gold-plated addictions are that we tend to excuse the behaviors,..even celebrate them! Seldom are they considered significant spiritual issues.
We exercise self-discipline (external) and think we have acquired self-control (internal fruit of the spirit).

sigh.

sigh.....

Time for a personal evaluation........

Casey

2009-08-09T12:46:00.008-05:00

Casey Leigh is 21 today.

What?
Wait just a minute!!
Wasn't it just a little while ago that I asked Ralph if he was interested in adopting another child?

I'll always have a mental picture of him reading his paper as Jae Lynn lay on a floor pallet in front of us. He looked at her (about 5 months old) and said "Sure."
We really didn't think the details of the adoption would work out.
They never did.
I bet 100 people had given me a "lead" about a young woman who was pregnant and may be interested in placing their child for adoption. "I'll get back to you." they would say.
At least 100.
We eventually just stopped paying attention to people who told us about those "possibilities" because although they meant well,...it was painful when most of them simply forgot about the conversation later.

However,...in the Spring of 1988 there was to be a baby born in just a few months in the town of Dover, Delaware.
We were.....
Cautious.
Hopeful.
Doubtful.
Skeptical.
Confused.
Trying to be full of faith.
Faithless.
We experienced it all.

Then, on August 31st, 1988, a three week-old Casey Leigh Russell was placed into our arms in the middle of bustling Philadelphia airport terminal.
With a 3 hour layover, we found an empty terminal and placed her on a blanket on the floor. As we unwrapped our 2nd daughter from all her borrowed blankets we took our first good long look at her and marveled at these God orchestrated events which brought us together.
21 years later, I still marvel at His plans.
For me but especially for her.

I often looked at Jae and Casey together, 9 months apart, and would exclaim to Ralph,.."Can you imagine them separate and living in someone else's home?"

She was raised under Jae's shadow and was often overlooked as Jae Lynn perked her way through life. (There has never been a day in Casey's life where she could be described as "perky". )
After Jae's accident, to instantly become the oldest trail-blazer in the family, and in such a painful way, she really kinda had to re-learn who she is. The search is still on in a lot of ways, but gracious sakes alive the layers are getting more interesting as we go!

She's starting her senior year at college in a couple of weeks and I am so satisfied with our relationship as it has changed through the years. Although I do miss those days when she let me hold and rock her,...it is a wonderful thing to discuss life issues with a child who has changed and grown into an adult right before your eyes.

"You have a destiny Casey Leigh"
"How will I know what mine is?"

"You just have to pray and ask God to show it to you"

(bedtime conversation in 1993)

Jeremiah 29:11 (Msg)
I know what I'm doing.
I have it all planned out.
I have plans to take care of you, not abandon you,
plans to give you the future you hope for.

Sleepless

2009-08-02T21:01:00.006-05:00

Insomnia again last night.
Ya know, when I can't sleep, it is usually because I have something on my mind.
Maybe something I've been dealing with in life like kids, church or our scholarship project in Jae's memory.
Maybe it's something which I absolutely should not be worried about such as my farm animals or leaks in my RV when it rains.
And then it is just apt to be something bizarre like "why are my feet cold? OH NO! My circulation must be bad and both feet will have to be amputated in just a few years!"

Usually at 2:00 am, I am determined that I will get up first thing and call Dr. Fendley and get me a sleeping pill. However, then I forget about it until the next time I am awake at 2:00 am.

Last night was different however.
Last night, I was missing Jae Lynn like I have not done in a while.

I recalled the horrific nights where I could not sleep for crying for her.
I recalled the demonic nightmares which tortured me for a while.
I recalled the amazing outpouring of love and friendship which sustained me then and continues to sustain me now.
As I lay there, I recounted the numerous times she appeared at my bedside in the middle of the night.

The longing for her continued throughout the day and I found myself rifling through pictures this afternoon so I could see her face, her smile and her expressions.

I stare at those photographs and recall those moments when those pictures were taken. What would I have thought had I known how I would soon be looking at them?

Incredibly,...today,... 5 years after....I am filled with disbelief that I had her in our home, in our life, at my bedside and now she is gone.

I've been doing that "shaking my head No" thing again.

Sometimes, seeing her face in pictures brings me comfort.
Today however, they bring a deeper longing for Heaven.

I would not have you ignorant brothers concerning those who are asleep.

You believe in God, believe also in Me.

In My Father's house are many mansions.

If it were not so, I would tell you.

I go to prepare a place for you

so that where I am, there you will be also.

(Becky version)

Signing off now,..the moon is bright and I need to go stare at the night sky.

Pictures

2009-07-29T21:02:00.019-05:00

I am trying to carry my camera around more.

The problem with shooting pictures is the next tortuous step (for me) in home photography.

It's the place where I sit in front of my computer for hours scanning, downloading, transferring and then sending all of my pictures to a folder somewhere in Nigeria.
Seriously.

Abby has shown me at least 100 times how to

do this "simple" thing.

She says that she's getting tired of showing me.

I just tell that she should understand because

I've shown her how to clean the kitchen more times than that

and she continues to forget the process.

**************************************

Below is the style show of the first "RocketDog day" at the

North Little Rock Cardiac Rehab department.

(Custom-created holiday by me)

Does anyone else have RocketDog shoes?

I think they are way cool!

Here are my daughter and her friends after an all nighter youth lock-in at church.

Can you tell which one is Abby?

She's the one yawning! (hee hee)

The do-nut in the foreground kinda made her blurry.

Here is what happens when a youth director finds a camera with special functions.

Oh friends....will you look at the size of my BURN PILE!!!!!

We decided to clean out the barn after decades of junking it up.
Literally.
Much of the junk in our barn was there when we
purchased the property,
and then we did a mighty fine job of adding to it.
Now,...let me clarify that not ALL of the stuff in this BURN PILE! was from the barn.
It's been building from yard work and storm damage in
several of our family's yard.

It was getting so big that I told Ralph we had better take care
of the BURN PILE! soon
or the fire would just get way too big (not really).

So.
To get the BURN PILE! started we added a little "impetuous".
For some reason, that's what my daddy called diesel fuel.
(Now don't you worry........we never never never use gasoline.)

Add a match.....

and you can see that we chose a good day to care
of the BURN PILE! because
the smoke is pretty much going straight up.
(that means there's "no wind")

I know you're jealous.
You wish you had a BURN PILE! this big.

Ralph calls Sophie (below) his "hairy daughter".
She wore herself out on the barn cleaning/BURN PILE! day.

But when you clean out a barn,..you find all kinds of cool things.

Like my Aunt Mildred's stove. Oh my my that woman could cook!!

I guess it got put in the barn in the 70's and the people who owned the

place for the next 20 years never moved it.
We actually have another stove in the barn from the 40's(?).

We haven't uncovered it yet, but I saw the top of it the other day!

These skeleton keys were raked up from the back of one of the compartments.

Can't you just imagine some man all frustrated

and saying "Hon? Where did you put my keys?"

Mayberry

2009-07-26T20:54:00.003-05:00

Tonight we began a study entitle "Mayberry". I tell ya, I love the study because we get to watch an entire episode of Andy Griffith!
We use the character's response to situations and then the study has scriptures to match.

Andy, Barney and Opie reminded tonight of the pleasing simplicity of service.

I have struggled much during the past 4 years or so with "what does God want me to do with the rest of my life?"

Ya know, I think that many of us have a deep-seated fear that God will "call" us into some sort of uncomfortable life-style. Something hard like inner city missions or serving in the deep wilds of Africa. We listen to the missionaries and marvel at their commitment.
We want to be willing. Truly do.
We confess our unwillingness and feel sure that even God couldn't make us want to "go".

The reality is however, that God calls us to work and serve just as hard "here" as those missionaries do "there".
We are surrounded daily by souls and spirits who need a kind word.
They sit beside us in our offices.
They are on the other end of the phone lines we talk on.
They are stocking or checking our groceries at Wal-Mart.
They live next door to us.
They sit beside us in church.
They sit daily at our supper table.

God created us all with unique personalities, talents and resources to take care of each other. Every day.

Galatians 6:10 says "Right now, every time we get the chance, let us work for the benefit of all, starting with the people closest to us in the community of faith." (the Message)

But I find that I sometimes ignore/forget/get irritated at the important things while I give inordinate amounts of attention to projects which have no eternal significance.

In the past 4 years or so, I have pondered, prayed and planned to be flexible and ready to do whatever I think God wants me to do. But I have found that His obvious plan for me at this moment in time brings no real big outward change to my life.
But baby you should see the changes on the inside!

Hand-Holders

2009-07-21T21:46:00.007-05:00

I am a nurse.
Things looked a little sketchy in college, but I always knew I'd be one.
It's a calling on my life just as sure as some people are preachers and missionaries.

I work with all kinds of nurses and by far, most of them are exceptional.
Some are funny, some are creative, some are serious, some work all day in high gear and some are quiet and slow. They go into the presence of their patients with one thing on their mind, and that is to offer some sort of comfort or help. The help could range anywhere from flipping a pillow underneath a head to injecting a high dose of Morphine.

I know a few bad nurses.
Their skills are fine, may be even excellent,.... but they are a sorry excuse for a nurse.
Know why?
Because they don't care about people who hurt.
A nurse who is rude, unsympathetic and thoughtless will cause instant outrage.

Ronald Reagan was shot in the 1080's and wrote a book about his experiences after the gunshot nearly ended his life.
In his book, did he give accolades to the dynamic surgeon who dug a bullet out of his chest?
Did he compliment the radiologist who pinpointed the location?
Did Mr. President write about the ER doc who stabilized him until surgery?
Nope.
None of those brilliant people were the ones who calmed the President of the USA and made him feel safe.

The most important man in the world made a hero that day of the nurse who held his hand and would not let it go.
She squeezed his fingers from the time he entered the Emergency room until he went under anesthesia an hour or so later.
Now, I guarantee you that the nurse had a lot more skills which may have been more useful at that moment than being a good "hand-holder", but the President didn't think so.
He was desperate for some heartfelt care.

I think our churches today are like that.
People come to us with heart and soul-threatening wounds and we want to get in the middle of their business and "fix" things.
They are in the right place!
By cracky, we have the answers!
Quick!
Right away!!
Save em!
Baptize 'em!
Sign them up for a committee and convince them it's the same thing as "ministry"!
Make 'em come to church twice on Sundays and once on Wednesdays!
Then, after a few weeks, those people in pain will walk out of our sanctuaries wondering why they don't "feel better".

Come to think of it,..
I think a lot of our members are there as well.
I can think of lots of friends who have left a body of believers because they were not "cared for". I'm ashamed to say, but I can recall that I often chalked it up to the notion that those people were "too sensitive".
Not any more.
Now I know that some people enter our churches looking for good hand-holders.
That important life-saving skill, my friends, can point them straight to Jesus.

Caution!:!:
SLOW Learner here!
This isn't rocket-science Becky.

Playing It Safe

2009-07-17T19:37:00.001-05:00

Francis Chan, one of my all time favorite preachers.
I hate that this is a bit fuzzy.

Watch it anyway!

A Gathering Of The Bereaved Parents

2009-07-13T19:50:00.009-05:00

Friends asked me today how I liked New York this past weekend.
My reply was that the

New York Crowne Plaza Hotel was excellent, but

I did not venture out of their doors

a single time until my return to the airport.

New York City is not on my bucket list.
************************************************************************
Here are a couple of reflections about the

2009 Gathering of the Bereaved Parents of the USA:

1. I count some of these people among my dearest friends on Earth. And I have only spent a few days with all of them over the past 1-3 years

2. Many true inspirational heroes are considered as such because they get out of bed every morning and put their feet on the floor.

3. Butterfly releases are cool.

4. New York City taxes are not. (raised my bill by almost 22%!)

5. Friendships which change after the loss of a child often occurs not because the friends have changed, but can be attributed more to the fact that the parent has changed. Some friendships can not deal with the changes and are lost. Some friends can more easily relate and are strengthened. I'm still mulling that one over, but I think I agree.

6. Some of the best writers in this world will go forever unnoticed and unpublished.

7. A common thread I heard voiced is this:

Not only has "the church" not provided comfort, it has often inflicted wounds.
Come to think of it,...I have heard that many times before from people with other types of pain such as divorce, mental illness, substance abuse, etc....
This thought, my friends, will be an entire blog post very soon.

8. As my airplane flew over the earth from here to there, I observed the tiny specks of cities, houses and cars underneath us. I was reminded of how insignificant I am. But more impressed with the might and power of God who has each hair on each head of the whole Earth numbered.

9. The concept of "re-framing the pain".
This means that you take the pain of your life (whatever it is) and transform it into something of value. Almost, according to one speaker, as if you are holding up a defiant fist in a refusal to be brought low by the bad things which have happened.

10. Other guests in the hotel would occasionally get onto an elevator and ride with those of us from the gathering. These poor people would often ask "where ya from? or "what brings you to New York?"
It was a real conversation stopper to tell them.
We, on the other hand, often got a kick out of their response.

11. Whenever I am asked to speak or present for this group (or any group for that matter!), I now qualify it with the condition that I can speak God's name however and whenever. The response has been amazing. Not only do they agree, but this year, there was an entire section of break-out sessions under the label of "Spiritual".

My friends there long to hear of hope.

12. No matter how badly I hurt from not having Jae Lynn's voice and presence in my home, I am filled with gratitude to God for blessing me with my family, my friends and my church who have walked this road with me and show love to me daily.

Hissy Fits

2009-07-08T20:02:00.003-05:00

I'm not Catholic and I know you're not priests, but I have a confession to make:
I have thrown two gigantic Hissy fits within the past 10 days.

Yep.
True.
I Know,...I can't believe it either.
(hee hee)

I would spill my guts and tell you all about them, but I suspect you would secretly roll your eyes at me.
You would hear the circumstances and say "get over it! You can't control the situation!"
Bottom line is that people have angered me more that I have been angered in a year!

It has occurred to me however,...as I have endured these horrible negative emotions that do not belong in my positive thinking little head,..that I may be suffering from a lack of time in the scripture. You would think that on vacation, I would catch up on all my devotions and quiet times,..but the opposite has actually happened.
Dear me.....I'm living naked without a covering from God's word.

Believe me,...I skip/forget/just don't do my devotions on a regular basis and don't always attribute bad things to this sloppy practice.
BUT,..this past week,..I am convinced that Satan is working overtime on me and I never saw it coming.

Big things this weekend which are of utmost importance to me:
New York, of course, where I will share my testimony to hundreds of other Bereaved parents.
and
The 3Cheerleaders memorial softball tournament which will, once again, be held without me there.

Remember me and the tournament in your prayers this weekend.

Thanks,...

p.s. I kinda began to come out of my bad mood last night when Ralph bowed his head for prayer at our supper table and prayed that we would have wisdom to deal with "the crazy heifer". I almost fell out of my chair laughing!