What's On Your Mind?

I wonder sometimes, as I live, work and socialize with different people, what types of agonies lurk in the front of their minds as they carry on conversations with me.

As I laugh and joke about mundane things, mention newspaper articles or comment on life,..have my friends been mentally and emotionally sidetracked by horrible memories?

Could my friends be making a valiant attempt to respond to my conversation but deep inside their head, they are mulling an internal pain which would silence me if I knew of it?

That happened to me today.
I excused myself from the crowd so I would not make a scene.
Was I angry?
Nope.
Were they insensitive?
Not really,..they didn't know me "before" so don't fully understand the sharp trajectory change my life has taken.
It's not noticeable to the eye.
I have a deep wound which appears healed, but festers under the surface.

My friends would not know that their topic of discussion began a mental train of thought which could not be stopped.
I could not tell them that as they were talking an joking among themselves that I was replaying a nightmarish scene that played itself out in my front yard of the afternoon of March 18th, 2004.
There are some pains which are never forgotten.
It becomes part of us without us wanting it to be so.
The hurt defies description, yet,.. it's ordinary and normal.
We pray to be separated from it, but it's utterly impossible.
It ebbs and fades at times, but we feel it from a distance knowing it will return.
We all say that "Pain comes to us all", but sleeping, waking and living with it is so,......painful.

It's not crippling by any means, but it is lonely.
Very lonely.

Maybe it's the grief of losing someone who we don't think we can live without.
Maybe it's the loss of love through divorce or rejection.
Violence inflicted upon us by another.
Physical illness and suffering.
A prodigal child.
Addiction.

Whatever it is,..it's is never far from the mind.

I must remember that when I interact with people.
I must remember that about me.

Last Day In Cardiac Rehab

I took a bunch of pictures but can not post most of them because of HIPPA laws.

However, a few photos just have my co-workers.

Here are Daniel and Levi appearing all professional.

These two fellas are notorious for lifting cell phones out of unsuspecting patient's pockets and then changing the screen to their photograph.

I happen to know, however, that they are not angelic as they appear here.

They doctored the above picture on my camera into the photo you see below.

and here you will see that Levi has stolen MY glasses


and Daniel has stolen MY doughnut.

Below is a fuzzy picture of me and Deonna that I would

remove from this blog if I could figure how.

My other nurse co-worker Julie only had her pic taken with other patients

so I can't show her on here.

Glen is my boss. The picture below is a rare one

because he never lets us photograph him.
(Levi stuck his hand around the corner of the door to snap this pic)

Our work station

and the exercise area which is usually FULL of patients!

I deeply love this team and will miss working with them!

New Things For Me

I have wondered for about a year now about whether my current employment is where God wants me to be. It is not that I dislike my job,..no no. In fact, if you knew my co-workers and my work environment,..you would be envious. I have never worked with such a dynamic and cohesive team.
For 36 hours, the 6 of us work in a room smaller than most of our living rooms.
The TV is going, we have 8-10 fans on high, we have 6-12 patients entering and exiting every hour, treadmills are humming, recumbent bikes and ellipticals are whirring and great conversation and laughter is a constant.
So why do I wish to leave?
I don't.
But I have just had this feeling that I may be supposed to do something else.
What?
I have no idea.

Yesterday, I was told that my job would be cut from our unit. (go ahead....gasp!)
Of all of us,..I have been at the Baptist system the longest, (almost 30 years) but in my department,..I am the newbie.
It's the fair way.
I've been given 3 weeks.
3 weeks?!!

Now that's pretty exciting isn't it?

My fingers nearly ran through my bible to find this passage this morning:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your request be made known unto God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
(Phil:4:6-7)

Storms and Friends

Our original plans for Friday night was to host two

Christian Rock bands (Thalan and Shatter me)

in our homes as they passed through from one gig to another.

The storms, however, changed our plans.

The bands were delayed in North Arkansas due to the weather,

and then the weather worsened here and knocked out the power

at the place where they were to play.

The event organizers sent them on down the road to

Texas where they will perform tonight.

Abby was very disappointed :) that the

young rock bands did not get to stay the night here.

So was I.

I can not tell you how much food we bought to feed 8 young men.

Back to the storm...

We have some rental property about a mile from our home

and this is what happened to it.....

But you see,...

The biggest part of this story is that within 15 minutes of Ralph climbing on top of the roof with his chainsaw, there was about 15 other friends

who arrived with their chainsaws, truck and trailers to lend a hand.

After about two hours, the tree was cleaned and GONE.
It would have taken him days to do it alone.

Below is Cullen.
He was the youngest worker and is the son and grandson of beloved friends.
Cullen didn't haul much wood but he made great entertainment
splashing around in his frog boots
with his hands in his little pockets.


Storms come and go in our lives.
The damage is not lessened by the presence of friends,
but having them is such an encouragement.
Ralph almost wept as he thanked our neighbors

for their show of love.

How sad for the people who are not rich in friends.

Kendra's Wedding Gift

Best Friends:

Lauren, Kendra and Jae

One of the things which was hard about the loss of Jae was that we had to endure watching normal activities of teenager life pass without her being a part. All of her friends enjoyed homecoming games, proms, graduation ceremonies and other happy teenager milestones while our family was left with only our imagination, our regrets, our grief and a longing for our lives to be a part of the normalcy that others enjoyed.

What would have been a huge moment for Jae happened this past Sunday. I've dreaded anticipated it for a long time but we found a way to make Jae a part of it.

Back in 1987, Jae, Kendra Huffman and Lauren Burton were all dropped into the church nursery within three months of each other. They were best friends throughout their entire lives, even though they often grew apart or became involved in activities which took them different directions. Without a real plan to do so, they remained "intentional" friends. They remembered each other's birthdays, exchanged gifts for Christmas and ran to join each other if one needed a "friend therapy" session.

Jae was a collector of pigs. Don't ask me why, but she loved stuffed ones, glass ones, paintings of pigs, photos of pigs, pig calenders, pig slippers, pig costumes, pig tails, etc. Growing up, some of the best pig-gifts Jae received were from Kendra or Lauren.

Kendra is getting married.

Jae is supposed to be involved doing the things that best friends do for brides.

Instead, there were other good friends hosting the shower and attending to Kendra.

I longed for Kendra's best friend with all of my heart and soul.

The last gift Kendra opened was from us.

I don't know if you can see the detail, but the picture is one of a very calm serene country pond with a little pink pig running wide open and leaping off of the dock into the water.

Kendra honey, I believe Jae is celebrating with you.

Extravangant Love

Extravagant: /adj/ 1. exceeding the limits of reason, 2. lacking in moderation, balance or restraint 3. excessively elaborate, 4. paying an unreasonably high price.

Examples:
1. Central Arkansas's support for the memory and legacy of three young teenagers who most of them did not know. The lunch was such a success!

2. My brother David, running the Little Rock Marathon in memory of his niece. His first marathon ever. He will be a "guest blogger' on here soon.

3. Our friend Reg Hamman. He was a stranger 5 years ago. He gets invited into our lives/drama and inspires a vision we were unable to see. He would state it differently, but I see the reason he does stuff like that because a) he loves God with all of his heart, soul and mind, and b) he loves his neighbor as himself.

4. Close friends who get in the trenches with us and help as we literally wander through our fund-raising events. Some come and go as different needs arise and some are there year after year and see all of our weaknesses clearly exposed. All of these volunteers bless us more than words could express.

5. My sister-in-law Susan. With each season change, she decorates and bring beauty to the sacred places of our family. Unless you go to the cemetery to see the graves, you will never see her artistry.

6. My family in general. How great is God's love for me that He would place me in this circle of people. Far from perfect, we love each other deeply and tenderly. (Bobby is better by the way. Home yesterday.) We celebrate the living, worry ourselves crazy about each other and mourn but speak often of our loved ones gone. Some more than others, we all long for Heaven.

6. My daughter's birth mothers. 15 years ago today, a young lady from not too far away labored to bring Abby life. I bless her this morning and the other two which have so richly blessed me. There are those who "can not understand how a woman could give up her child", and then there are a few of us who have wept with wonder and joy at the unexplainable sheer extravagance of their choice.

7. Jesus. Sitting in Heaven with His Father, looking at the world and discussing the plan to bring us all up to them. They could have created one which is logical and makes sense. Instead they created one which defies reason. A sinless King for a weak sinner like Becky.

8. Heaven. After the incomprehensible trade-off of Jesus, God's son, for the sinner,... the plan continues so that the sinner gets rewarded for choosing the death of Jesus.

I am the recipient of extravagant love this morning from all different directions.

Cheers for Amanda

A blogger friend (Amy, A Redeemed Sheep) sent me to a blog that I thought I'd add to my list. It tells the story of Amanda, who has about a hundred qualities I adore, some of which are:
Cheerleader
Teenager
A heart for God
Free-spirited
Positive out look on life.....

Amanda also has osteosarcoma.

She's been dealing with this since the Fall of 2006, and is in a fight for her life.

Almost everyone I know that visits this blog is a real honest-to-goodness prayer warrior. How about y'all keeping track of her too so we can cover Amanda, her parents, her brothers and sisters and the rest of her family and friends in prayers!

Ice, Fun, Flexibilty and Generosity

Today, I received a long email where several of us moms gave an update on how our kids were weathering the winter storm in Fayetteville.

I have enjoyed hearing about how all the college kids are taking care of each other. They are calling around, seeing who does and does not have electricity. They are giving invitations and gathering into the apartments and homes that have warmth and water.
The students are sleeping on each others couches and floors, they're sharing food, watching movies and in general, having a great time in spite of the hardships of the weather.
It's like a city-wide sleepover!

I wonder if us adults acted like that during the next storm?
What if we all traveled to one house and bunked up together for the night?

Then again,..maybe not. We'd probably look like this lady. (Turn up your volume!)

Nashville

Have a bunch of pictures, but can I upload or download anything?
NO!
Packafrat!
(that's Jeffers slang for bad words)
Even Abby is unable to get the pictures off of my camera. They'll just have to come onto here later.

Anyway,..here's some thoughts from the wonderfully exhausting Youth Specialities Youth Workers Convention that I was involved in this past weekend:

It was much bigger than I had imagined. There were approximately 5000 attendees (give or take a few).
I am now a David Crowder band fan.
I am now a Lincoln Brewster fan.
But I really a Shane and Shane fan. One of the Shane's is an incredible guitarist. The other Shane performed the entire concert in a carhart cap, tee-shirt and his hands in his jean pockets.

I know that most of you haven't seen the video that Ian (Youth Specialties Producer) created about Jae and the timing of a particular lesson I taught to the youth of Bayou Meto. Ian is supposed to post our video on YouTube as soon as he could get a few moments. I'll try to get it onto here.

I was thrilled that Tic (one of the YS leaders) asked Ian in their morning meeting if I was going to be present for the scheduled Sunday night showing of our video. When he was told I was leaving early, he instructed the production team to switch things around so that it would be shown Saturday night. Tic wanted me present as it played. (Thanks Tic)
It ended up being one of the first things of the evening program and get this,..he then called me to the stage! Ya know what? I wasn't really nervous at all! Tic asked a few questions about my work with the youth, he invited me back to next year's confernce (their expense!), and then he gave us a $200 gift certificate from their resource store!

When I got back to my seat, I asked Levi if I made any sense while up on the stage,..he just smiled and patted my shoulder.
(I'm afraid to consider what he meant by that).

Several people found me after the video. In fact, a couple of them approached me during the remainder of the session. Most had experienced loss,..a few were mom's like me,..some had heard of Jae and her death.
Another exciting thing happened when two couples approached me in the hotel lobby to comment on the video. They introduced themselves and I discovered that they were the lead singer and the agent of the band Everthird. Somehow,....my story was very personal to the lead singer, Shannon and his beautiful wife. They all had been moved by the story and felt compelled to find me and offer a free concert to our youth group at our church! WOO HOO! I can't wait to tell our kids! Almost every single teen in our group is a musician of some kind.
God is so good to me.

and then,......

On Sunday afternoon, as I stood in line to get a Quiznos sandwich, I happen to let The Skit Guys cut in front of me. Of course, they made it a hilarious big deal by screaming to the 75 people behind me that "they just couldn't cut in front of all those people!" (right before they jumped in). Long story,..but they needed to eat and I knew they had only a few minutes before they were to lead one of the break-out sessions on drama.
They were wonderful and as we waited on our order and spoke of my daughters as well as their own. Eddie pulled me aside and quietly asked me:
"Becky,..you have three daughters. If you could give me one piece of advice about raising my little girls,..what would it be?"

My answer?

Tell ya later. This post is too long! :)

Mass Emails and Old Friends

Recently, I sent a mass email out to inform all of my contacts, most of whom are friends, that I was changing email addresses.
(didn't mean to imply that some were NOT friends. It's just that some contacts were businesses or no longer working)
One of the unexpected things that resulted in that email was that it struck up new conversations with many people that I haven't heard from in a while. It has been wonderful to communicate with them again!

One was Rick who now lives in Texas. I saw Rick for the first time when we began 7th grade. He wore beads. A short chain of little blue beads. Suddenly, beads became the most absolute cool thing I had ever seen a guy wear.
One of my first serious crushes.

One of the addresses on my list was Anne's. This beloved friend of mine entered into Heaven about this time last year, but I went ahead and sent her the email anyway. I imagine she's way too busy to respond, but it felt good to send her something.

Another was Randall who still lives here and in fact, I was able to lunch with him today at my work.
His name has changed a bit (he used to be Randy) but he is still the same humble gracious guy that he was in high school. Being used for God in exciting ways.

Here's a snapshot of his work.
(He says it's really not work)

Bereaved Parents, North Little Rock

Tonight was the Monthly Bereaved Parents Meeting in North Little Rock.

Until the Spring of 2004, I don't think I even knew such a group existed. Then one horrible day, their monthly newsletter arrived in my mailbox. How did they know I needed a life preserver thrown to me that day? How did they get my name?
I still don't know. I guess somewhere in Little Rock, there is another sad mom who is assigned the job of reading local obituaries and putting freshly broken-hearted parents on the mailing list.
But I recall reading that newsletter and being so encouraged that "I'm not alone!"

I did not got to any meetings because they were way on the other side of Little Rock. Miles and miles and miles. Too hard. Way too hard.

Then some of my friends decided that we needed to get a chapter on the North side of the river. We had talked about it for a long time. We needed a Bereaved Parents group for all of us in North Little Rock, Jacksonville, Cabot, and everywhere else "out here".
There's just too many of us.
It seems we're everywhere.
I hate it.

Jim and Cindy Stricklin took on the job. They had survived the loss of their son in 2000, and they felt strongly like they could begin the group.

One year later,..we have 20 or so people attending. An unbelievable amount of pain all contained in one room, but oh my goodness,..you should feel the love!
My friends that I have met in the pit of grief are cherished like no other.
They are strong, affectionate, transparent and all bound and determined to get past this hurt.
I barely know most of them, but feel as if I truly love them.

Believe it or not,..it's a great place to be.

Birthdays and Boxes

About this time 11 years ago, we hosted a sleep-over for Jae Lynn's 10th birthday. As usual, we were planning a party while having almost zero money.
Broke just did not do us justice.
We were "pore".

Jae and Casey were rich in friends however, so hosting their parties meant we had a minimum of 15 kids. Mostly girls, but cousins Nathan and Andrew, and friend Chase always had a standing invitation to all the parties,....including this sleepover. (Only one mama balked at the co-ed sleepover/sleeping arrangements but she finally relented).

This particular year, Ralph and I went to an appliance store and found about 6-8 huge boxes which had held new stoves and refrigerators. We tied them into the truck and brought them home and placed them in the front yard.
I really wasn't sure how the kids would respond to "boxes" being the extent of the party entertainment, however,... I can not describe how much fun these kids had playing in them!

They crawled into the boxes, fell out of them, pushed each other around in them, painted them, cut windows into them, hooked them together, jumped out of trees into them, rolled down the hill in them, packed 8 kids into one of them, changed clothes in them and finally, around midnight, all 18 kids fell asleep in them.

That very same weekend, there was a write-up in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette about another 10 year old little girl who had very different birthday party than Jae Lynn. This little girl had a limousine pick up her and her friends, where they were all then taken for a manicure/pedicure, pizza and a movie.
(Oh yeah,...they also had a photographer and a write-up in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. )

I felt sorry for that little rich girl.
She should have had refrigerator boxes.

Bible Study and Banana Nut Bread

Mrs. Harris, this is the best banana nut bread

that I have ever placed in my mouth!

Someday, dear readers, I will take pictures that are clear.

I got the "blurry picture gene" from my mother.

(sorry mom)

Susan (my best friend from childhood) and her daughter Courtney.

Susan and I will never seperate,..we know way too much about each other!
I wish she had her new glasses on, 'cause her husband

said they make her look "hot".

Donna and Wanda

Molly and Lee

The Gaither's provided the music for us.
(Thank you Bill.)

Two spiritual giants sitting side by side.

(Neither of them would agree with that statement!)

Susan Lanford

I've been blessed by God this week to see His timing very clearly.

These past few weeks have me studying the Walking By Faith Bible study by Jennifer Rothschild, and a really special thing about this study is that the written exercises were written by a dear personal friend, Susan Lanford.
Susan was one of the BASK group that was instrumental in a tremendous spiritual growth spurt a couple of years ago.
BASK stands for Becky, Anne, Susan and Kay. (We considered SKAB, but it just didn't work for us.)
Anyway, us four girls spent hours gathered around lunch and supper tables with our heads leaned in listening to each other. Mostly just loving each other. We shared our personal selves with each other and offered viewpoints about what God was up to in our lives.
The one rule we had was that we would never try to "fix" each other.
Good thing, because there was no fixing me at all. Jae's death was still fresh and I was a emotional and spiritual mess. Anne also was engaged in a fierce battle, and I do mean battle, with Ovarian cancer.
For almost two years, we came together regularly to share, cry, rejoice, joke, prank (Kay!), pray and ponder.

BASK had our last supper way over a year ago. Our regular get-togethers would be ending as Susan accepted an exciting and much prayed-for job in Texas. I can not recall the name of fancy restaurant we were at, but I can remember the table, the window, the waiter and even the light fixture above our heads.
I wish, oh how I wish I could locate the close-up photograph that Anne took of our four hands joined together in the middle of that messy table. The entire evening was incredibly memorable as we all spoke blessings to Susan, each other and then exited the restaurant to part ways. Our embrace there on the sidewalk of the River Market was long and tearful.

Just a few months later, Susan, Kay and I gathered at Anne's funeral and memorial service.
I will always remember standing on the hill by her grave as Heaven itself opened up with a torrential rain. I know it sounds odd, but the rainfall was a beautiful moment.

This past Tuesday, unexpectedly, I had the thrill of sitting, once again, at a table with Susan and Kay.
Once again, we gathered around a lunch table and poured love into each other.
We missed Anne with every thought and word.

Susan's written exercises in the "Walking By Faith" study has impacted thousands of people by making Jennifer Rothschild's words become personal.
It was a blessing to look Susan in the eye and tell her how I am a recipient of her wisdom. I do these daily exercises at my kitchen table and am filled with amazement. My BASK friend wrote these words years ago, without knowing that they would impact me years later!
And then God, in His perfect timing, brings her to my lunch table so I can be blessed a hundredfold.

Walking By Faith pictures

Mrs. Geneva and Donna



OK this young lady was NOT at the Bible study, but
she was so pretty I decided to add her to my pictures!

Sharon and Lee

Laura and Connie

Susan and Courtney

The "group work"

These are some pics taken at our bible study tonight. We missed those who were not there. I took more pictures and I swear as I downloaded them onto my computer, some of them went to,..Bolivia or somewhere! How does that happen?

Anyway,..each session ends with us all on our knees. Tonight, we intentionally left off the prayer requests about health concerns, work issues, travel safety and such. Instead, we focused on our "Heart and Soul" request and needs. It was the best part of the night, and we will spend more time there in our next sessions.

So many needs.

Deep needs.

Soul-loneliness.

The study this week tells us to stop "resisting" the thorns in our lives.

Embrace the pain and learn the lessons.

Great gifts come in hard packages.

Does God really place the thorns there? On purpose?

All of us tonight agreed that, sometimes,..yes.

Yes?

Yes.

Why then, do we always think that all pain in our life is to eradicated?

Proverbs 3 reminds me that I am to trust in Him and not try to figure it all out.

Good thing.

'Cause I can't.

Water Sliding at Buffalo River

When I was a teenager, there was a water slide near Buffalo River that gave me some absolutely fantastic memories. You see, back in the 70's, no one had ever heard of water slides around here. There was no "Wild River Country".

Water sliding was an entirely new concept for us teens.

Sometime during the camping trip, we would bum money from our parents, gather up every teenager in the camping group, gather up every other teenager in the park, load up into the back of one pick-up truck and head towards the place which we had anticipated all year. Once there, we paid for an hour, got a white foam mat, wore ourselves out careening down a winding, narrow concrete chute, landing at the bottom into a catch pool that was way too shallow. We then grabbed our mat and returned to the top by climbing a near-vertical hill.


The surface of this water slide was concrete. Not the polished kind of concrete that water slides are made of today. It was the surface of a concrete block.
Literally.
It was that rough. You learned quickly to STAY ON YOUR MAT! To let the mat come out from under your body meant, not only that you ruined your swimsuit, but you also lost whatever skin was exposed. The skin was usually freshly sunburned.
Ouch!

Did I mention that the owners did not seem to know how much chlorine was too much? There were no germs or algae growing in that water slide.
It smelled and felt like pure Clorox.

One of the things that made this water slide so great was that there were no rules. Actually there were a few posted, but we never obeyed them and the teenage boy "in charge" never enforced them. In fact, he occasionally grabbed a mat and slid down with us.

We could go down the boring way with our butts on the mat, or take our life in our hands and go down face first. There were even a couple of us (not me!) who attempted to go down standing up!

"Let's make a train!"
By placing all of our mats in a line and hooking our legs around the person in front of us, we could make a train of 7-10 people. The weight of multiple people sent us down the slide at warp speed and often sent us nearly over the top of the curves. By the time we reached the landing pool at the bottom, we were out of control and convinced that death was a certainty.

At the end of the "train" ride, pity the poor person who was in front. They were occasionally trapped underwater, at the bottom of the pile of mats and laughing, screaming bleeding teenagers.
We usually fought to be in front.

After our hour was up, we piled ourselves into the pick-up truck for the 5 minute ride back to camp and spent the rest of the day comparing abrasions, inspecting ruined swimsuits, rubbing our red burning eyes and laughing at ourselves and each other.
Bed time sure felt good on those nights.

Now, when I go camping with my family, and pass the place of this water slide, I will often pull up to that deserted tiny building and look down the hill towards the winding piece of concrete which is now covered with vines, leaves and faded blue paint.
My kids have heard of the fun.
They are jealous.

It's been closed now for years.
I am sure that water slide authorities (whoever they are) would never allow it to be open. It would be "way too dangerous":
The curves too sharp,
the descent too steep,
the landing pool too shallow,
the chemicals too strong,
and of course, the surface too rough.
However, when I think of all the hundred times I have been down other water slides,...the safe ones,... I have never even come close to experiencing the laughing, screaming exhilaration like I did at the Buffalo River slide.

Of course, it was dangerous,.....that's what made it great.

My Mighty Friend Beth

If you have a moment, click onto my "places to go" - Beth Moore link and read her responses to questions from her readers. They are humorous, insightful and inspiring!

The Disciple Jesus Loves

It's me.
I'm the one Jesus loves.

I know, I know! If you read the Gospels, you will assume, as everyone else does, that it is the Apostle John. The one who wrote the gospel, I, II, III John and also Revelation. I am sure that John enjoyed being called "the Disciple that Jesus loved", but I don't think he is the only one who holds the distinction.

John refers to himself as the one whom Jesus loved. I find it interesting that he is the one who gave himself the title. Is he presumptuous? Self-centered? Arrogant? I don't think so.
I bet John was at first surprised, then encouraged and then overwhelmed at being the recipient of such a profound love from such a profound person.

I have friends and family members who brighten my day just by appearing in it. I literally love looking at them and hearing what is going on in their day to day life. I think of them often and whatever these loved ones of mine deal with in their life, instantly becomes important to me as well. I do not like being separated by time or distance from them, and our time spent together almost always leaves me wanting more.

It is a two way street. I have friends and family that are truly glad when they see me. You can just tell things like that, you know. These friends and family enjoy my presence and enter into whatever is important to me. What an intimate, personal encouragement to see their eyes brighten just at my appearance!

John called himself the "Disciple that Jesus Loved" because he was confident that Jesus, the Messiah, enjoyed his company.
The very idea.
I bet he was confused.
Then amazed.
Left him shaking his head in wonder.

That's how God is with me. He loves me,...His pupil, His follower, His disciple.
It's not just me,...It's how He feels about all of His children.

I am incredibly flawed and find it surprising that God designed a plan that includes me as a player. If He had skin on today, he would spend time at my house, and would let me,...no, he would want me to follow Him everywhere he went.

God's love for me is confusing, amazing and leaves me shaking my head in wonder.

Mighty Friends

Yesterday, eating lunch with a co-worker, he saved the very best piece of his lunch for his last bite. I remarked to him and others there that my mom used to do the same thing at our supper table.
Mom would cut and trim around a pork chop or a steak so she could savor and anticipate that last good bite. Unfortunately, my dad would also be watching her do this and I can't count the number of times I saw him reach in quickly with his fork, stab her last bite, stuff it in his mouth and then grin at her!
We all always got a huge kick out of watching my mom's pretended outrage as she laughingly yelled at him "You took my ewe lamb!"
The thing is, that as I recalled these memories to my co-workers,..they looked at me with blank or confused looks.

"Ewe lamb?"

Well THEN I told them that the ewe lamb reference was from the story of King David. It was the centerpiece of a story which Nathan the prophet had used to bring about conviction into David's heart about his sin with Bathsheba and Uriah.
They were unfamiliar with the story, so I gave them the condensed version.
Well THEN, I told them that Uriah was one of King David's 30 "Mighty Men", which were known for loving an protecting him. David ended up having him killed!
THEN, because I work with some really manly men, I began to tell some of the cool things about these 30 mighty men of King David's.

(I try to think linear straight thoughts. I really do, but it just doesn't work for me)

Now, since yesterday at lunch, I have been thinking of friends and friendships.

My devotional this morning consisted of transferring some written notes from one bible into another, and I chose to work on the book of Job. When I go back and read my handwritten entries in the margins of my bible, I always recall the learning that took place there. Much of my learning in that great book were lessons on friendship. My opinion from studying Job, is that he did not have very good "Mighty Friends".

I have heard it said that:
"you can go all of our life and only have two or three really close friends in your life.
If you have two or three close friends, then you are blessed indeed."

Well I disagree!

The 30 or so "mighty men" of King David are spoken of at length in II Samuel 23. Those friends came to him as an adult, and it seems that many of them may not have been present when David became King. They were there for a time, and then they were away. No longer friends with him? Don't really know, but I suspect that they all were still very loyal to each other, in spite of time or distance apart.

That's how it is with my friends.
Some friendship were forged in my childhood. Although many are merely acquaintances, some of those childhood relationships are strong until this day.
Some friendships came to me as a teenager, when my social circle began to widen. Most of those relationships have simply "gone away" but a few friendships made there are enjoyable in spite of 30 years of separation.
In my adult life, most of my friendships came from either work or church. Those two places were where I spent the majority of my time and effort, so we had that commonality.
Living life together.

Some friends have stayed with me over my lifespan, and indeed some of them would be in my "mighty three", but I have some newer friends who have changed me for the better and constantly urge me towards God. They, too, would be considered my closest.
I can not imagine living life without either group.

I am grateful to God for childhood friends.
My professional friends are mighty indeed. Gifted with the inspirational combination of mercy and expertise.
I am thankful for the friendships formed while sitting in bleachers and at softball fields watching my girls.
The friendships formed while in my pit of grief I cherish like no other.
I have friends who have wounded me deeply, and I'm sure that I have done my share of inflicting wounds on others. The recollection of both are painful.
Some of my best friendships are with family members.
Some friends are Godly,..some are hell bound.
Crazy I know, but some of my friends don't know me at all (yet!). There are people who I have a huge affection for, but have never met.

One or two close friends makes one rich? I think not!
I am blessed to have been surrounded by "mighty friends" at almost every phase of my life.

I hope my friends never need me to slay 800 people in one day (II Sam 23:8) or kill a lion in a pit on a snowy day ( v 20). If that's their need, then, God help them 'cause I doubt I'd be able.

Lord, help me to be a powerful mighty friend to those I love and to those who love me. Open my eyes to see the needs, and enlarge my Faith so that I can help you meet them.
Make me "mighty"!
Amen.

Lawson

Some dear friends of our family are not shopping for Christmas gifts this season. David and Lorey are not attending any Christmas parties. Instead of their family gathering together for holiday traditions this year, they will gather for the next few days to mourn the death of Lawson, their beautiful young son, brother, grandson, nephew, cousin and friend.

Psalms tells us that our death day is determined before our birth day. I don't understand this. How can someone only 8 years old be "full of days"?

I asked Ralph as we left this family's home: "How do you get through something like this without being bitter towards God"?

Just what exactly is the recipe for coming through a loss such as this with your Faith intact?

Should I know the answer to these questions?

I do not.

I don't know that I could re-create the path I took towards God after losing Jae Lynn. I recall it being dark and convoluted. Scary and disorienting. Comforting and surreal. I found myself in completely unfamiliar territory, even after a lifetime of being a follower of Christ. I felt as if I did not even know who God was. At the same time though, I was reassured that He was in control of all events,..even my unspeakable loss.

Lawson and Jae are much more alive than me or anyone who reads this note. Lawson is now a magnificent young man who has no limits on his abilities. He is (present tense) confident of the love he had here and I think he is surrounded by people who know him and love him there.

Does that help the pain that David and Lorey are feeling tonight? No.

I am praying tonight for Lawson's family to feel God's peace. The peace which is not explainable or understandable. The past few weeks have been dark and difficult for them, but the days and nights ahead,........

...just pray for them.