Lies And Wishes

Tonight, I was pilfering through Jae's room searching for some pictures and Abby came in to talk.
Loooonnnnng conversation.
There were lots of thoughts and questions about what Jae Lynn is like right now.

If you have followed this blog for any time, you will recall that my obsession with Jae's after-death whereabouts led me on an intense and in-depth search for information about Heaven.

That is an understatement.

By no means do I think that I am now an expert, but I have personally come to believe that most of my ideas of Heaven and it's occupants have been based upon wrong theology. As I shared some of my thoughts about Jae and angels and Heaven,...Abby was irritated.
At me.
At all of her past Sunday school teachers.
At our church pastors.
She feels that she has been "lied to".
Then she dismissed most of my observations and told she would believe what she wanted to.
(Deep discussions are never easy with this daughter)

Here in June of 2010, Abby is the age that Jae Lynn was at the time of her accident.
That's a really big deal.
I think that Abby is fully comprehending the loss of her oldest sister more than she has done in past years. It's as if she, 6 years after the loss, knows Jae better now than she did when she was 10.
Devastated at 10 but filled with understanding at 16.

I asked her if Jae was right here with us, what would she say to her?
Her reply was ......."secret things".

I wish I understood life after death.
I'm told to believe and have faith.
I do and I do.

But that doesn't take away the wishing.

Amanda is in Heaven

Please pray for Amanda's family, the precious young girl whose family blog has been linked

to mine for a couple of years.

Amanda's life has been so inspiring to me during her illness , especially during

these past few hard months.

It's comforting to me that she and Jae may meet each other soon.

I wish I knew how all that works.

My heart breaks for Amanda' family.

My heart still breaks for mine.

"I thank my God for every remembrance of you"

Philippians 1:3

Riding Pete Into War

Last night, Bro David referred to a text in Revelation 19 which describes the last battle.

It is in our future when the curtain of time is dropping and

all the forces of evil are gathered to fight against

He who is called Faithful and True.

The army will be all dressed up in white wedding garments

and riding on white horses behind Jesus Christ.

Now who in the world wears white to go into battle?

And who goes to war after a wedding?

Me!

And you.

But I don't think we really have to fight.

Good thing, because I'm afraid I'd have trouble staying on the horse,

much less fighting on one.

Does this all sound a little far-fetched?

Yep...it does to me too.

However,...if we're going to believe the Bible, then we need to believe the whole thing.

How exciting!

No Nobodies In Heaven

Have you ever wondered how God will be able to pay attention to each one of us in Heaven?
If there are a few million of us there, then how will He even know that I've arrived?
If I'm surrounded by King David, Moses, Mother Teresa, and other saints from past and present, won't I end up being just a big "nobody" in Heaven?


(I know you are probably thinking,..I hope God don't put Becky and her sorry attitude in a mansion near me!)


The other night, Bro David mentioned something about Heaven which made me wonder if Heaven may possible be similar to warm loving family get-togethers here.
Up until the time that daddy passed away over a year ago, my entire family would gather at his house. Not because it was the best home or most convenient location, but we came to 8214 Centennial because daddy and momma were there.
One by one, each family member would arrive. Usually, daddy could hear us on the back porch before we entered the kitchen so his eyes were on the door as we arrived. Some of us arrived alone and some of us entered the front door all wadded up as a group. One of the first things we did on arrival was go to his chair to greet him.
During our family gatherings, we would mill around throughout the house laughing and talking to each other, sometimes speaking directly to daddy, sometimes talking to others near his chair and sometimes out of his sight. Regardless, we knew that we were a loving family and we were bound together through our strongest link,...our "patriarch".

If daddy spoke with Bobby or David, I didn't get jealous....I knew he loved each of us.
If daddy was having a conversation with one of the grandchildren, there was no one who was impatiently tapping a foot.
There was no competition for his attention. We all felt that it was simply good enough to be near him.

As the family circle grew larger through marriages and births, the family grew louder and love was multiplied. It grew harder and harder to get all of us together at the same time, but no matter who was missing, the family was incomplete without each person there.
Joyful and loving, but aware of absences.
I recall the days when we had each member there at the table. It was incredibly satisfying.

Maybe Heaven will be like that. Fellowship with each other will be taken to an entirely new dimension, but the best part will be that it will all happen in the "Presence" of God.
Being together,...and near Him will be enough.
He won't have to be giving me undivided attention for me to feel His love.

I bet He can't wait until we are all sitting at His supper table.
I imagine that He is enjoying the ones at his feet and His chair, but He is also aware of each one of us that's missing.

I can identify.

The Great Gulf Fixed

Here is your scripture passage to ponder for the day.
(why thank you Becky for managing everyone's life)

Luke 16 tells a touching and sobering story about the rich man and Lazarus.
It's a familiar story to most of us but I'm hung up on a verse right smack in the middle of the story which usually doesn't get much attention.
If you recall, the rich man was in the torments of hell when he lifted up his eyes and saw Lazarus in Heaven and in Abraham's embrace. The rich man asked for mercy from Abraham and begged for Lazarus to be sent to him with even a small drop of water.

Here's the reply:
v. 25 But Abraham said, "Son, remember that in your lifetime, you received your good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things; but now he is comforted and you are tormented.
(this next part is what's giving me pause,..)
v.26 and besides all this, between us and you is a great gulf fixed so that those who want to pass from here to you cannot, nor can those from there pass to us."

"........Those who want to pass from here to you?....."
Do what?
Really?
There are instances of people in Heaven wishing to go to the occupants of hell?

This will be a point of discussion and study for me in the next couple of days.
One of the ways I changed the most since Jae's death is that I no longer accept some of the things which I've always thought to be true.
(and I'm tellin ya,..that's not always been a positive thing!)

Playing It Safe

Francis Chan, one of my all time favorite preachers.

I hate that this is a bit fuzzy.

Watch it anyway!

Birth Moms

I, of course, have lots of personal thoughts about Mother's Day.

The ones from last year haven't changed.

You can read about them here if you like.

Today, I'm thinking other thoughts as well.

A few years ago, a friend gave me a great little book with an idea that will always stay in my mind. It's entitled "The Epic". (Thanks Jan!).

It spoke of how all of us are living out God's big story and we each have a very important part to play. Each of us is a main character and believe it or not,..our little bitty selves have the ability to affect and changed the world.
Our influence is determined by our choices and, of course, our willingness to follow God's ways.


This weekend, Mother's Day eve, I was honored to speak to a small group of women who had made some really tough decisions in their lives. They were birth-mom's who had chosen life for their children and had placed them up for adoption.

Pivotal moments in their lives.
Pivotal moments in the lives of others.

None of the ladies in the room were the birth-mom's of my daughters, but I created my message as if they were.

Just imagine will you?.......
A young woman in distress
A man and woman who longed for a child
A tiny baby, powerless and unaware.

All of Heaven watched as each of those stories began to be woven together for eternity.

*********************

Dearest birth moms of Jae, Casey and Abby,

As I held them for the very first time, I thought of you.
As each of their birthdays approached, I thought of you.
On each Mother's Day, I thought of you.
When I rocked them at night, I often thought of you.
On National Right-To-Life days, I marched to the state capitol and thanked God for you.
When I studied their eyes and their smiles, I thought of you.
When people told me that they looked like me, I thought of you.
During all the high moments of a child's life,... award ceremonies, baptisms and other times, I truly wished that you could see and know how wonderful they are.
It is important to me that you be proud of them.

and to Jae's b-mom,...
As we wrote the obituary for her, we mentioned you.
And as the rest of the family members here on Earth began to pull together a memorial service and funeral for her, we purposely wove your story into hers and ours and reminded every person there that they knew and loved Jae Lynn because of you.

***************************************

Happy Mothers Day to all my friends with a broken place in their heart.

This Is Not My Heaven

Heaven.
A literal place which is more real that the city you and I live in.
A source of healing from Jae's death.
However,..when she first was taken there, I was full of dismay.
She simply would not fit in with my idea of what Heaven was like.

Although I did not think so at the time, our culture's attempts to describe Heaven through art, songs and sermons had left an imprint on my imagination that can only be described as "unholy".
Thank you Lord,..that I've been able to get a more biblical perspective through my own research and by reading of great theologians and authors.

I used to feel like a traitor.
Growing up and hearing about it, I secretly did not want to go.
Most of my desire to go to Heaven stemmed from the fact that I had to go somewhere when I died, and hell seemed much worse.
So I sang about Heaven.
I testified that I had a home there.
I dreamed of meeting my loved ones there someday,
but the reality is
I just couldn't muster up any enthusiasm for the place.

The thought of going there was actually pretty terrifying.
It seemed
colorless
unreal
boring
old
repetitive
endless
and there was no escaping no end to it.
In fact,...
it seemed a lot like this video.....

Easter Ponders

Easter Past:
**The Easter of 1989. Jae and Casey were dressed alike in frilly pink frocks. Bonnets, white gloves and ruffles on their panties.

**Hunting eggs in our living room in 1999. I had the video recorder on Abby as she was in her little nightgown hunting the hidden eggs in our living room. She suddenly stopped, looked directly at me/the camera and asked if I had seen the Easter bunny.
I told her "Yes".
She drawled with the sweetest smile "Wuz he wearin a tie?"

**Hearing Ralph sob in the living room in 2004 as I put out the three Easter baskets of candy. Jae had been gone only days, and I dazedly wondered what the rules were for moments like this.

Easter Present:
**Singing the traditional Easter songs in our service. Feeling sorry for my friends who only attend church on Easter because those are the only songs they ever get to sing.

**Missing all the family members who were not sitting around our family feast table. All are alive somewhere,...some here on Earth, some in Heaven.

**Contemplating the true meaning of the Resurrection. It means so much more to me now and I wonder if I ever could/would have understood these truths had I not been torn asunder by death.

Easter Future:
**Jesus told His disciples (Matt 26) that He would not drink of the fruit of the vine until the day when He took it with all of us in His Father's Kingdom.
I can hardly wait for that supper.
What in the world will that moment be like?

** Wondering if in Heaven, we will be able to "see" into the past so we can witness our salvation with our own eyes. I have a crazy imagination. In my feeble little mind, I wonder if there could be something akin to a "Heavenly movie night":

Attention!

Playing tonight at the Gold City amphitheater:

David meets and beats Goliath!

David will be present to answer questions

****

Tomorrow night's showing:

The true story of the Passion of the Christ

Worship service to follow.

**Singing with a Heavenly choir, all in one voice. A song that I've never heard, but will know perfectly.
I'm from a family of singers. A loud and harmonious Heavenly choir plumb excites me.

All Hail King Jesus!
All Hail Immanuel!
King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Bright Morning Star!
And throughout eternity I'll sing your praises
and I'll reign with you throughout eternity.

Eternity In My Heart

Ecclesiastes 7
I've named this passage "The wise man's school".
But no one wants to go to class.
The Teacher is famous for being loving , but the lessons are ridiculously hard.
The students are usually confused.

Here's the lesson plans for Ecclesiastes 7:

Lesson #1 Quit throwing parties for birthday's and start looking forward to funerals.
Lesson#2. More life lessons are taught at funerals than parties.
Lesson#3. The heart of the wise is (can be) improved when we are distressed.
Lesson#4. It's better to be rebuked by a wise man than be praised by lots of nonbelievers.
Lesson#5. The strong hearted will often lose control during pain.
Lesson#6. (Hardest of all?) God causes pain as well as the joy.

But in Chapter 3, the scripture says (my paraphrase)
He has made everything beautiful in it's time, and He has put eternity in their hearts....

I'm at a place tonight where I'm feeling a little empty.
Not distant from God, but not passionate either.
I've sat in the classroom described above and am frustrated that I have to wait to see the beauty of the circumstances.
I can not help but look backwards, but I long to move faster forward.
I know from experience that the remedy for "emptiness" is to start serving others. I must make time to do more for others.

A few months before Jae's wreck, the 5 of us had planned a trip to Williamsburg, VA. Just somewhere different, history, fun stuff, etc. After her death, we scrapped the idea of travel all together. We couldn't dream of vacationing with out Jae. We were too heartbroken.
The Sanden family (I love you Susan, Gary and kids) found out about our cancelled plans and GAVE us a week in Williamsburg, Virginia, at their beautiful condo.
So.
Three months after the funeral, we piled into our van for the two day drive, and sobbed for the first 500 miles.
The trip, however, turned out better than we thought it would, and we even found ourselves laughing for the first time as a family. We made some good memories in the middle of the agony.

Towards the end of the week, on the drive home, our plans were to spend the night in a hotel still several hours away from our house. We pulled into the hotel parking lot about dusk,....tired, sad, missing her, on each others nerves and dreading the last long night ahead of us. We were withdrawn,....barely speaking to each other.
I'll always remember what happened next:

Ralph turned around and said to us:
"Why don't we just stay in the car, drive on through and go home?"

I can not tell you how the atmosphere of our van changed in that moment.
We turned on the music,.....we began to communicate,....we no longer felt tired,...our spirits soared,......we were going home!

*************************

I firmly believe that all things will be beautiful when we get to see God's work from beginning to end.
I'm thankful that He's given me "eternity in my heart".
Oh how I look forward to Heaven!

Extravangant Love

Extravagant: /adj/ 1. exceeding the limits of reason, 2. lacking in moderation, balance or restraint 3. excessively elaborate, 4. paying an unreasonably high price.

Examples:
1. Central Arkansas's support for the memory and legacy of three young teenagers who most of them did not know. The lunch was such a success!

2. My brother David, running the Little Rock Marathon in memory of his niece. His first marathon ever. He will be a "guest blogger' on here soon.

3. Our friend Reg Hamman. He was a stranger 5 years ago. He gets invited into our lives/drama and inspires a vision we were unable to see. He would state it differently, but I see the reason he does stuff like that because a) he loves God with all of his heart, soul and mind, and b) he loves his neighbor as himself.

4. Close friends who get in the trenches with us and help as we literally wander through our fund-raising events. Some come and go as different needs arise and some are there year after year and see all of our weaknesses clearly exposed. All of these volunteers bless us more than words could express.

5. My sister-in-law Susan. With each season change, she decorates and bring beauty to the sacred places of our family. Unless you go to the cemetery to see the graves, you will never see her artistry.

6. My family in general. How great is God's love for me that He would place me in this circle of people. Far from perfect, we love each other deeply and tenderly. (Bobby is better by the way. Home yesterday.) We celebrate the living, worry ourselves crazy about each other and mourn but speak often of our loved ones gone. Some more than others, we all long for Heaven.

6. My daughter's birth mothers. 15 years ago today, a young lady from not too far away labored to bring Abby life. I bless her this morning and the other two which have so richly blessed me. There are those who "can not understand how a woman could give up her child", and then there are a few of us who have wept with wonder and joy at the unexplainable sheer extravagance of their choice.

7. Jesus. Sitting in Heaven with His Father, looking at the world and discussing the plan to bring us all up to them. They could have created one which is logical and makes sense. Instead they created one which defies reason. A sinless King for a weak sinner like Becky.

8. Heaven. After the incomprehensible trade-off of Jesus, God's son, for the sinner,... the plan continues so that the sinner gets rewarded for choosing the death of Jesus.

I am the recipient of extravagant love this morning from all different directions.

Until I have My Own

Most of you have seen part of this video, but there are more reunions than the one we're familiar with.
Until I have my own,... i'll just have watch others...

God's Care

Friday night was hard.

Casey planned to leave for Fayetteville as soon as I got home, and she asked me to go to Kohls to pick something up for her.
No problem.
Except driving out of the parking lot I had to make a left turn onto the busy Brockington Road.
At the moment I pulled to the edge of the lot and looked left I saw an 18-wheeler heading my direction.
It was all safe,.... I was still in the parking lot,... he was on the road fixing to pass in front of me.
But seeing an 18-wheeler approach from the left and pass inches away from my car gets my mind to imagining things a mom should never have to think about.

It's like "pop-up" on the computer screen.
The horrific scenes are instantly in front of me.

Broken seats.
Deployed airbag.
Broken steering wheel.
Broken tire wheels.
Broken daughters.
Breathe....breathe......breathe........
(I probably should have never went to see Jae's car that day.)

How am I to cope with a moment like that?

Abby also had a hard weekend.
There's been some stuff which has really gotten her down, which in turn, affects me.

She and I both were deeply convicted by our pastor's sermon this morning. We discussed it as we snuggled in bed this afternoon. Bro. David reminded us that following God and living life HIS way is not optional for us.
We are to follow His ways in all situations all the time.
Period.
It's not rocket science.
Just obey.
It really takes some of the stress out of trying to figure out how to respond to people and situations.
Just act like Jesus.

Friday night, I coped by turning the radio on (I often drive in silence) to Christian radio.
Ya know,..just trying to get something "good" into my mind after it had been instantly assaulted with horror.
Trying to Think Philippians 4:8,.. "Finally brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are good, honorable, lovely.....Think on these things".
Quick!
Music!
God thoughts!

Well,..when I turned on the radio, the song playing was,...(I swear this is true)...'I Wish You Were Here" by Mark Harris.
The words describe Heaven from the viewpoint of someone already there. They acknowledge the separation, but from a different perspective. They describe streets of gold, storytelling time of other saints also there, reunions and most of all,..worshipping Jesus. It then ends with the heartfelt statement,.."I Wish You Were Here".

The good thoughts of Jae wishing I was there, was a gift straight from God.
Given to a quietly desperate mother in a little car on Brockington Road.
I was amazed at the knowledge that God arranged that song for me for that very moment.
My thoughts turned from one of carnage, to one of wonder.
I felt loved and protected.

I am praying that Abby gets the same feeling of God's watchful care.

Soldier/Son Reunion

Anyone who knows me, knows I LOVE reunions.

Until I experience the reunions I long for, observing others will just have to do:

Go Down Death!

Man! I love this guy's voice.

When he was younger,..he appeared often on "Soul Train".

(Is that cool or what?)

I have spent hours listening to Whintley performing this song about death and Heaven.

Middle Of The Story

I have grown up considering that the resurrection is kind of like the end of the story.
He died on the cross.
He rose after three days.
Because Jesus did not stay dead, we can all have hope.
Amen.

Acts tells us in the first few verses that Jesus was "taken up", and then the angels came and then mentioned again that Jesus was "Taken from them". His Earthly body was somehow forcibly removed from the disciples presence, out of their sight and "up" into the clouds and into Heaven.

That's how my loved ones have gone.
Removed from us by a force we can not see. The difference is that they did not have their eternal bodies yet, so we could not observe the transportation.

I have thought often about the method of travel that Jae and daddy experienced in their death. What was the journey like?
Was it fast?
What were the sights?
Did they know what was happening? Daddy probably was knowledgeable about death,..maybe even expecting it, but not Jae.
Were there angels? (yes) They were at Jesus "going up",..but He was, you know,...Jesus. A bit more special than our loved ones here.

I am left to wonder.
And wonder I do.
and wonder and wonder and wonder.

Anyway. Back to Jesus.
He left us with parting words to anticipate His return, and gave us jobs to do in the meantime.
He leaves us to continue the story. Of course, the Bible was completed and written, but still humanity is left with a great deal of life to be lived.

Jesus's story I guess, will continue after He returns,..for then there will still be much to do. Raptures, Judgements, Armageddon, Feasts, etc.
Terrible things.
Wonderful things.

Come to think of it,..will God's story ever end?
No way.

Christmas Eve gift

When I was growing up and the family would gather at my home and Uncle Tom's and Aunt Mildred's house, we always came through the door yelling "CHRISTMAS EVE GIFT!! CHRISTMAS EVE GIFT!!" which meant that a kiss and a hug was to be given and returned.

Now, a wonderful thing has occurred: There is an entirely new set of people who come through those same doors yelling that phrase. Some of them had no choice about the matter,..they were born into this crazy family. But others married into us and have completed our circle. Many of us no longer live in Jacksonville, so I expect they are yelling that phrase in their own houses which are mostly scattered across Texas, and other parts of the nation as well.

And then there are those others,.... The ones whose voices we long to hear: Aunt Irene, Grandma Goldie, Grandma and Grandfather Bushey, Uncle Tom, Aunt Mildred, a brother I never knew, Daddy, and Jae Lynn.

I asked Casey this morning what she thought Jae would be like if she had lived. We wondered about it for awhile, but settled on the fact that we mainly just wished she was here with us. I told Casey that maybe she was here with us.

I have said before (and this wasn't an original idea) that I think Heaven may see us and know about us, just as we know about a baby that is soon to be born. The unborn baby or newborn baby is completely unaware of anything, and can not know that is is already named, and how much is it loved, cared for and protected. That child's lack of understanding of those concepts does not mean that they are not true.

To say that Heaven's occupants are unaware of our lives here on Earth, implies that they do not have full knowledge and memory of who they are. I think that the ones who have gone on before us, are deeply concerned for our welfare, just as God is. However, they have an understanding of how transient our life here is, and know full well that what awaits us can not even compare with what we are experiencing here.

Just as our family here continues to change, with it's additions and losses,..our family there also is experiencing a growing circle. They don't miss us, because they know we are all on our way. How can you "miss" someone who is already on the way to the party?

Deep thoughts. Maybe not always correct theology, but I have studied enough to know that it is not all just "wishful thinking" of a mother who longs for her oldest child.

Christmas Eve gift Jae Lynn.
Christmas Eve gift Daddy.
Christmas Eve gift Uncle Tom.
Christmas Eve gift Aunt Mildred.
Christmas Eve gift Lawson.
Christmas Eve gift to the rest of my loved ones there.

We will all be there when we are "full of days" here.