Thursday, May 8, 2008

Mother's Day

Never has a holiday moved me through so many deep emotions.

I remember when I was was little, the day was memorable because David, Bobby and I would all go out to our yard and clip a red rose off of one of our bushes. We got to wear red because it symbolized that our mom was still alive. I always felt for my mom, because daddy always had her a white corsage, which carried the symbolism of a mother who had died. I couldn't imagine a life without a mother.

Then after 7 years of marriage, Ralph and I had become desperate for a child of our own. (Well,..I was that way,....Ralph may not have classified himself as desperate.) The last verses of Psalm 127 seemed to mock me.
For some reason,...God was not "blessing our quiver". There were babies getting aborted, murdered and abused everywhere, yet, our arms were full of emptiness.
Following God was obviously not a guarantee of His blessing. I was confused.
Mother's day became a day of pain and all the celebrations rubbed salt in my broken heart.

Then,... the first Mother's day after adopting Jae Lynn.
There was not another Mother alive who praised God more for the joy and blessing of my daughter. I was overwhelmed with the love she inspired in me and I felt as if life would forever be good because Jae Lynn was in it.
Then Casey and Abby are born, adopted and blessed into my life and wonder of all wonders!...
How can this be?
Love is never divided, it is multiplied?
Only God could create such a deep capacity for something unseen.
I never took any Mother's day for granted. I still wore a red rose and now I had three children who called me mom.
My quiver was full.

Then Jae is killed at 16 years old, and Mother's day occurs two months later.
I celebrate with dinner at my mom's, receive gifts from Casey and Abby and then go to a cemetery to spend time near my oldest blessing.
Graves are sad places during the holidays, but the grave of a child is an area of desolation.
I am sure my cries could be heard over all the city.

Today, while at work, someone wished me a "Happy Mother's Day" and then asked me how many children I had. As usual, I answered that I have three daughters.
I was then asked various questions about them, and I was able to have a long conversation about the girls without having to disclose that one of them now lived in Heaven. This person, a stranger, thought Jae Lynn was still alive.
It was comforting to me.

I told a friend recently about a short conversation Abby had with the author John Piper who wrote "90 Minutes in Heaven". Abby asked to go and listen to this man preach and share his testimony, and then she wanted to stay and meet him personally after the service.
We waited until the sanctuary was almost completely empty. Abby walked up to him and with tears in her big brown eyes, leaned up towards him and whispered:
"my sister was killed in a car wreck".

Mr. Piper leaned towards her and whispered back :"Your sister's not dead".

I am still the mother of three.
Two are alive and will be in my kitchen this Mother's Day.
One is alive and in the presence of her Creator and The King of Kings.
My head tells me that Jae is more alive that Casey or Abby.
My heart tells a different story.

Never has a holiday moved me through so may emotions.

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