Friday, October 2, 2015

In His Time

Tomorrow,..this weekend, is Jae Lynn's birthday.
I celebrate the day she was born and placed into our home!  

28 years ago, my daddy asked me to sing the Sunday night special for our evening worship services.  The song I had been practicing for a couple of weeks in preparation for the solo was a song entitled "In His Time".  It was a beautiful short little song which spoke to the theology that God makes everything beautiful in His time,..not necessarily our time.
However,..that particular Sunday night found me a hot mess.  For you see, at a hospital nursery, 20 miles away was a tiny baby girl who had been abandoned at birth with the understanding that she would be placed for adoption.
With Ralph and I.

Our hospital administration, however,..was making plans to make this tiny baby a ward of the state of Arkansas as soon as all government offices opened up the very next morning.

Ralph and I had chosen to not share the baby's birth with anyone, so daddy had no idea of why I was tearful and refused to sing the song on that Sunday night. 
I recall him being a tad irritated with me.
But he did not see the Epic internal emotional turmoil.
To sing of everything being beautiful in God's time was not something I was prepared to sing,..for I was terrified that God's timing would send this child into state cusotdy and I would be sent home with empty arms.

An earthly showdown of an utter lack of Faith.
I own it.

The NEXT Sunday, however,..found me belting out the song with gusto, I shared with my church family how God's timing was perfect.  The pain and confusion of our years of  infertility had turned into a celebration of God's unusual method of blessing.
Jae Lynn entered into our home within hours of her birth and I was forever changed.

So Now.
The Song In His Time continues to be a song with significant meaning to me.
I don't/won't sing it anymore, not because I don't believe God's timing is perfect,.... But mostly just
I can take issue with God's timing, even as I place my total trust in Him.
The epic internal emotional turmoil returns on days like October 3rd.
Celebration.  Regrets.  Confusion.  Confidence.
Life.  Death.  Birthday dinners.  Graveyards.

Most people who read that group of words above would, more than likely, focus on the hard ones.  But I,.. Jae Lynn's momma,.. live among them all quite easily now. 
This weekend, I plan to laugh, sing, remember, be filled with love and celebrate the life of Jae Lynn Russell.