Easter Hope

The Easter song I've sang every single Easter of my life;

"Low in the grave He lay,..Jesus my Saaaavyour.
Waiting the coming daay,...Jesus my Lorrd...
(piano part,..bom bom bom bom)
(now sing this next part faster)
Up from the grave He arose
With a mighty pow'r o're His foes,...

Jae used to get that last line mixed up.
We still smile when the rest of the congregation sings "with a mighty Pow'r o're His foes" because WE remember her version of...."with a mighty fire on His toes...."

On a serious note,.. I'm ashamed to say that for years, the Easter/resurrection story may have been a bit too familiar to me.
Sing the same songs.
Hear the same sermons.
See the same people.
Wear the same new clothes.

Then death nearly killed me.

Singing songs about joy, life and how death has no sting suddenly became difficult.
It wasn't that I was angry,..but I was bewildered.
I was trying to reconcile the feeling of pain with the boisterous joy everyone else was singing about.

This Sunday, I will once again sing all the same songs. I suspect I will hear the same sermon and see the same people. Probably wear the same clothes.
But one thing has become different since 2004:
The Easter message of Resurrection will never ever again become dull and familiar.

Life and death happens all around every one of us.
Jesus has made a way for little-ole me (and you) to live with Him forever.
He has made a way for us to reunite with our loved ones lost through death.

What an amazing story.

Jae Lynn's New Quilt

These pictures show Casey's gift to me:

She cut, pieced and stitched together a quilt made of Jae's t-shirts

I recall telling her she would regret writing on the one above.

I was amazed.

Touched.

Overcome.

Thrilled.

Is it not amazing?

We've still go to get it quilted, but it looks to me like that will be the easy work.

Pigs and Angels

I do SO love Christmas trees which are coordinated.

Especially Blue and Silver ones.

and Red and Gold.

Never got into the feathers, but love the ribbons.

The Russell tree however,..will never be coordinated.

The kids have picked out a hodge podge of decorations and ornaments for the

past 20+ years and I love the memory of each one.

That's partly the reason my Christmas decorations

were left up in my Attic for years after Jae's accident.

Ya'll were right there with me when

I could not bring myself to bring those decorations down

and then you were there

when I finally did.

But for the past several years, I've noticed a trend in my tree decor:

It has become full of

Pigs and Angels.

How wonderfully odd......

The one above was actually the first one ever bought.

I found it in Branson as we escaped there on that terrible 1st Christmas without her.

I was sobbing at the checkout.

Below,..you will note Rudolph's replacements

Love the boots...

These crocheted angels have been on our tree for 15 years.

Handmade by Mrs. Nellie Fielder, a precious lady in my church.

Of course, I've one for each of the girls,

(and Mrs. Fielder's church directory obviously has holes in it!)

I've seen this look/pose from Jae a hundred times.

One of the gifts my fabulous sister Susan gives each year

is an ornament to each of the girls.

We have three of these on our tree...

I love this darlin hanging on the letter "J"

And then,....

Here is an odd saying for a Christmas ornament.

Jae Lynn,

The answers continue to elude me.

I think that you are not too far away, but I just don't know.

The mystery of Heaven leaves me wanting more.

More of what?

....answers?

......comfort?

.....patience?

...passion?

All of those things, yes.

But the bottom line is that I want it all.

I want the reunion with you that is promised to me.

I want no more Christmases without the ones I love.

I want an end to Bereaved Parents groups

and cemeteries in general.

I want to know my purpose.

The answers continue to elude me.

I think that you are not too far away,...but I just don't know.

Overwhelmed

Lot's of memories of being overwhelmed with emotions at this time of year.
And for various reasons too:

1980: My first Christmas with the love of my life. We had zero money and not a single decoration. Not a single one I tell ya!
Ralph somehow found this huge box of decorations by the side of the someones driveway that they were throwing away so he loaded it into the back of his truck and brought it home to his bride.
I felt like we had won the lottery! Garland, candles, colored lights, red satin balls and tinsel.
You know what?
I still have many of those items in my collection of Christmas decor!
Overwhelmed with good things.

1981: Remember I said we were broke? Well a year later, we were even more broke.
Some people claim to day about how broke they are (me too) and yet they have a beautiful home, enjoy nice cars and go on vacations.
The Russell's however, were not that kind of broke.
We were not broke from debt as there was no one in their right mind who would have lent us money. Ralph's income was a whopping 4 figures!
We drove old gross cars, lived in a house trailer and had to get food out of my mom and dad's freezer. We camped in a tent for our only vacation.
We made our gifts that year because we had no money.
Homemade gifts from us is not a good thing. Neither one of us has the talent for making things. (Wait,...I take that back,..Ralph can make a mess!! hee hee)
Overwhelmed with poverty.
We even got a Christmas basket from the church.

1987: I could not stop weeping from joy. Jae Lynn had been placed into our arms just 3 months before and I felt as if the world had suddenly changed from black and white to technicolor.
The meaning of Christmas was more real as I reflected on Santa Claus, children but also on Mary, the mother of Jesus.
Overwhelmed with an unexpected love for a baby.

1988: Wonder of all wonders. Two children does not divide a mother's love,..it multiplies it? I had no idea I even possessed such a capacity for extreme devotion!
Overwhelmed that God loved me enough to bless me with two daughters.

2001: This is the the year which holds the distinction of being the best GIFT I ever gave!
Since 9/11 had just recently wreaked havoc within the travel industry, we were able to secure cheap arrangements for a trip to Disney. You see,..we were still very broke :)
Overwhelmed with excitement.

2004: Christmas Eve almost saw me have a screaming hissyfit in my parents yard as we exited the car and walked into the traditional gift swap and family time. I wanted to be in bed with the covers over my head.
The pain of Jae's death was never so acute as it was that night.
Overwhelmed with despair.

2007: Shouldn't things be better?
Actually they were, but you couldn't tell it from this post.
Overwhelmed with feeling a constant pain that ebbs and flows.

2010: Guess what? No overwhelmed feelings this year.
I've got decorations.
I'm not broke.
I've not cried but a couple of time in the past month.
I'm feeling joy again.
I'm blessed with the love of my extended family.
Abby has one of the sweetest hearts of any teen I know.
Casey has put up our tree for the first time in 6 years.

God is so good to me.

Easter 2010

Bob, his handsome sons and mom Below is Lilly's first Easter pictures! (well kinda....)

Ralph's mom and dad

My brothers and me

Aundra was the first brave one of us to get a tattoo after Jae's wreck.

Job tells us in chapter 19 v 25 on that:

For I know that my redeemer lives, and He shall stand at last on this earth; And after my skin is destroyed, this I know, that in my flesh I shall see God.

How my heart yearns within me!

Emma loves Abby.

You can tell the feeling is mutual!

This old house was my grandfathers.

We need to tear it down but none of us really want to.

As I looked through the lens to snap this picture, all I could think of was how badly I wished Jae was there too.

Of course, what's an old house without old furniture to drag out?

Casey made some sort of wrapped jalapeno doo-dads.

Can you smell these steaks?

Bob needed a spray bottle of water. He ran into mom's kitchen sink and found a spray bottle under her sink.

"Is this water?" he asked.

Mom told him she didn't know.

Ya know how Bob found out?

He squirted it in his mouth. "Yep", it's water!" and ran back out the door.

I'm glad it wasn't carpet cleaner or furniture polish.

Bob's a pyro like the rest of us and without a doubt holds the record for having to call the fire department.

The smoke here is from him using his new-found water-squirter.

Our church joined with a sister church to perform a musical. I had a solo!

It's easy to sing when you are backed up by 40 great voices.

Needed my glasses for most of the songs.

This lady is a happy singer. One of my fav people in the whole wide world.

He is risen indeed!

That's my hope!

An 85 Year Old Blessing

85 years ago today, my mom was born.

I don't know why, but this milestone for her has become significant for me. I think back to so many years ago, and it occurs to me that my present is so wrapped up in her past.
She was raised by Leslie and Mary Bushey in East St. Louis before it was named the most crime-ridden city in America.
She has told me stories of dances with young soldiers, cross-country trips as a young woman, dates with my daddy, farm life as a city girl and teaming with dad to raise a family with very little money.

Growing up in the Jeffers home left me with memories of a stay-at-home mom, lots of free play time, being cared for when I was sick, visitors coming in and out almost every single day, observations of parents who were madly in love, open displays of physical affection, dancing in the kitchen, moral absolutes, devotion to the local church and most of all love, fear and reverence for the Lord.

Mom buried an infant son between David and Bobby. We often wondered what impact this brother of mine would have had in our family. I miss his presence, but not, I'm sure, as much as mom does.

I observed her 45 year-long-distance care for her weaker older sister in Dallas, Texas.
Another aunt of mine, daddy's sister, was brought into our home for recuperation after the ravages of a stroke and alcoholism.
For years.
Then there was dad. His stroke was the one thing he feared the most and mom faced it as if it had happened to her.

She told me once before that losing her mother was the hardest day of her life. To this day, she still expresses regret that she was not at her side during those final moments. That was decades ago and it still pains her.

She also is tormented with dad's final hours. She left his side at the insistence of all of us as well as the ICU staff. Thankfully, we were called back in time and she was able to hold his hand as he entered into Heaven.

I'll always remember one time after I gave a series of lessons at church on "Finding our purpose in Life" that she mused to me ..."I don't know what my purpose is. I just don't know." Besides the fact that my wise mom was asking my opinion about her spiritual life, I was struck by her train of thought that she considered her life as one with very little impact.
Her life-time of caring for others and taking such wonderful care of daddy after his stroke had limited her Independence and maybe in her mind removed her opportunities for service?

Our culture today places importance on making a difference on a large scale. Touch thousands of people and then you are "successful"....touch only a few and you are only "average".

Mom has an intelligent alert mind that is limited by an aging body. I can only imagine how frustrating that must be.

In this world, my 85 year old mom has probably touched several hundred people directly, but though her husband, children, friends and students of her Sunday school classes her influence reaches well into the thousands. She has not won any awards or prizes to speak of here, but she knows that her real reward is not of this world. She told me just the other day, that living with an eternal perspective makes living here more meaningful.
I see it.

My mom is a living testament to agape love.
Isn't that exactly what God wants us to do with our lives?
I have not always been the best daughter,..but she has certainly been the best mom.
I am rising up today to call her Blessed!

Happy Birthday mom!
I will write you another letter on this blog when you reach 100!

Christmas 2009

I will not be one of those people who enter the Christmas season just wishing it was over.
However, I will also not ignore the strain that I feel this time of the year.
We all have the stress of the holidays, even those of us who try hard to focus on the true meaning.
Can we really escape it?
Can we really enjoy the entire Christmas season with all of it's crowds, parties and programs?
Those of us who love to shop often feel pressure to find a perfect suitable gift for the ones we love but who already have everything.

Our family (Jeffers and Russells) decided this year to really and truly "scale back". We've talked about it before,..but this year most of us really did it. Our plans were to spend our time/money on something which had a positive impact on others.
It was wonderful and I loved it.
I'm not relating the following info to make us look special or holier than others, but I'm sharing what has helped bring more meaning to my life during a wonderful but painful time.

Between all of us, we provided Christmas for several children through the Salvation army, we fed and clothed the hungry through an established organization in Little Rock and we established an award which will be given to a high school student in the North Pulaski Chorale department. It is in memory and honor of two of my favorite singers,..my father, Louie and his granddaughter Jae Lynn.

It's called the

Barefoot Singer Award

Singing with no shoes symbolizes vulnerability, passion and freedom

from barriers and inhibitions.
Singing barefooted heightens the senses of the
performer as well as the listener
by incorporating physical touch and sight

into the creation of musical sounds.

This award in presented tonight in memory of a singer who loved to
perform barefooted on this very stage.
When Jae Lynn Russell’s voice left us in 2004,
the entire choral department of North Pulaski came together,
removed their shoes and performed in her honor.

A Barefoot Singer will have a song
on their mind, in their heart and on their lips
in what ever circumstances they are in.

A Barefoot Singer will sing just as surely as they will breathe
and music is not so much considered a part of their life

as it is a part of their soul.
A Barefoot Singer is a lover, a dreamer and believes that
magical things can happen when music is in the air.

Although this Barefoot Singer award is going to a very talented individual,

it not their ability which sets them apart from their peers.
Rather,....it is their love of the song.

　

I don't know all of my readers and followers but I have loved your company this year.
Merry Christmas friends.

　
　

Teddy

Shopping today in June's Hallmark of NLR almost led me into one of those Christmastimehumdingerhissyfits.
Have you ever had one of those?
I wrote about them here.


My time spent the past couple of days with Casey and Abby has left me pining for my other daughter.
What would Jae be like today?

Today, in the Hallmark store, I was reminded of a time, years ago, when I was in there shopping for something. Jae was about 8 years old and as we entered the store, her eye fell onto a small red teddy bear sitting in the middle of a hundred other stuffed animals. She gasped, knelt down in front of the rack, picked up the bear and followed me through the store. She cooed and whispered to it the entire time as I browsed for forgettable things.


She begged me for it.
Begged me I tell ya.

I said "no".


You should have witnessed the emotional parting she and this red teddy bear had right there in the aisle of that busy store.
It was a quiet separation but I knew she felt as if she was leaving someone special.

I recall a similar time when in a toy store at Branson, Jae saw a doll named "Polly Flinders". The minute she saw the doll, we could tell that it was different. She seemed to connect with it in a way that we had not seen before.
Her desire for Polly Flinders could best be described as ......desperate.
Even after Jae no longer played with dolls, Polly was never put away.

For some reason, this red teddy in the hallmark store seemed to be similar to Polly, so as soon as I could, I returned to purchase him for one of her Christmas presents.

Teddy became a very important member of our family.
He frequently got buckled in beside her in our family van, he slept on her pillow each night, waited for her to come home each day, he camped with us, accompanied us to Disney, occasionally went to church and he faithfully attended every cheer competition.
He was present as she filled her journals at night and I'm positive he was privy to many of her night-time musings.

In June's hallmark store today, I recalled Jae Lynn kneeling there and meeting Teddy for the first time.

I wanted to tell each mother in the store to buy whatever their kids wished for.

Teddy now sleeps in my room with me.

Birth Moms

I, of course, have lots of personal thoughts about Mother's Day.

The ones from last year haven't changed.

You can read about them here if you like.

Today, I'm thinking other thoughts as well.

A few years ago, a friend gave me a great little book with an idea that will always stay in my mind. It's entitled "The Epic". (Thanks Jan!).

It spoke of how all of us are living out God's big story and we each have a very important part to play. Each of us is a main character and believe it or not,..our little bitty selves have the ability to affect and changed the world.
Our influence is determined by our choices and, of course, our willingness to follow God's ways.


This weekend, Mother's Day eve, I was honored to speak to a small group of women who had made some really tough decisions in their lives. They were birth-mom's who had chosen life for their children and had placed them up for adoption.

Pivotal moments in their lives.
Pivotal moments in the lives of others.

None of the ladies in the room were the birth-mom's of my daughters, but I created my message as if they were.

Just imagine will you?.......
A young woman in distress
A man and woman who longed for a child
A tiny baby, powerless and unaware.

All of Heaven watched as each of those stories began to be woven together for eternity.

*********************

Dearest birth moms of Jae, Casey and Abby,

As I held them for the very first time, I thought of you.
As each of their birthdays approached, I thought of you.
On each Mother's Day, I thought of you.
When I rocked them at night, I often thought of you.
On National Right-To-Life days, I marched to the state capitol and thanked God for you.
When I studied their eyes and their smiles, I thought of you.
When people told me that they looked like me, I thought of you.
During all the high moments of a child's life,... award ceremonies, baptisms and other times, I truly wished that you could see and know how wonderful they are.
It is important to me that you be proud of them.

and to Jae's b-mom,...
As we wrote the obituary for her, we mentioned you.
And as the rest of the family members here on Earth began to pull together a memorial service and funeral for her, we purposely wove your story into hers and ours and reminded every person there that they knew and loved Jae Lynn because of you.

***************************************

Happy Mothers Day to all my friends with a broken place in their heart.

Easter Ponders

Easter Past:
**The Easter of 1989. Jae and Casey were dressed alike in frilly pink frocks. Bonnets, white gloves and ruffles on their panties.

**Hunting eggs in our living room in 1999. I had the video recorder on Abby as she was in her little nightgown hunting the hidden eggs in our living room. She suddenly stopped, looked directly at me/the camera and asked if I had seen the Easter bunny.
I told her "Yes".
She drawled with the sweetest smile "Wuz he wearin a tie?"

**Hearing Ralph sob in the living room in 2004 as I put out the three Easter baskets of candy. Jae had been gone only days, and I dazedly wondered what the rules were for moments like this.

Easter Present:
**Singing the traditional Easter songs in our service. Feeling sorry for my friends who only attend church on Easter because those are the only songs they ever get to sing.

**Missing all the family members who were not sitting around our family feast table. All are alive somewhere,...some here on Earth, some in Heaven.

**Contemplating the true meaning of the Resurrection. It means so much more to me now and I wonder if I ever could/would have understood these truths had I not been torn asunder by death.

Easter Future:
**Jesus told His disciples (Matt 26) that He would not drink of the fruit of the vine until the day when He took it with all of us in His Father's Kingdom.
I can hardly wait for that supper.
What in the world will that moment be like?

** Wondering if in Heaven, we will be able to "see" into the past so we can witness our salvation with our own eyes. I have a crazy imagination. In my feeble little mind, I wonder if there could be something akin to a "Heavenly movie night":

Attention!

Playing tonight at the Gold City amphitheater:

David meets and beats Goliath!

David will be present to answer questions

****

Tomorrow night's showing:

The true story of the Passion of the Christ

Worship service to follow.

**Singing with a Heavenly choir, all in one voice. A song that I've never heard, but will know perfectly.
I'm from a family of singers. A loud and harmonious Heavenly choir plumb excites me.

All Hail King Jesus!
All Hail Immanuel!
King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Bright Morning Star!
And throughout eternity I'll sing your praises
and I'll reign with you throughout eternity.

Letter To 2008

Dear 2008,
You have just a few days of life left in you and I thought that before you go, I might pause and reflect on your impact on me. Time has a way of marching on with or without our permission, and I've been making an attempt to try to make the most of my days and hours and minutes. Well,.. I try.
Most of the time.
Some of the time.
I try.

The things that this year has brought into my life have not been as earth-shattering as other events I've experienced in other years. Death, divorce and disease has kept it's distance from those that I am most tightly bound to. Praise be to God.

In fact, if I had to characterize this year, it would be one of healing. For me anyway. As a nurse, I know that healthy healing occurs from the inside out. I know that the deepest wounds take longer to heal and will often leave a lifetime of pain, handicap, scars or a combination of all three. I suppose that's where I find myself.
Pain of Jae's absence will haunt me until I breathe may last breath here. Missing daddy is mixed with the joy of knowing he is healthy again.
Handicapped?
Am I? Yes. In my head. People just really can not fathom where my thoughts go. Sometimes I can't either.
Scarred?
Deeply.
Yet,...I am confident that I am healing.

My mother and father-in-laws home burned in August. The tragedy became a crisis of belief which created no real options other than for them to move here with us. In retrospect,. the story has God's redemption all over it. He gave beauty for ashes. Literally.
I love it when He does that.

My study of the Scripture took a new path this year. I should say, it took me to a new and unexpected level. Studying a book a month,...with just me, the Bible and my gargantuan brown Matthew Henry commentary has provided me with just the right mix of structure and flexibility.

Christmas.
This year was not as painful as it has been in the past. I think one reason was because we decided to include Jae Lynn in the gift exchange. Whoever drew her name would give something in her honor or memory. Whichever name we drew for her would receive something in her honor. Aundra made several newborn baby hats which will be given to Bethany Christian Services in Jae's memory. Aundra also bought some "chicks" from Heifer International. Jae Lynn would have chosen chicks over every other animal!
The gift which we gave in Jae's name was a scrapbook which attempted to describe Jae to Emma, her 2 yr old cousin. This scrapbook covered everything from Jae's music, to her quirky personality traits, her love of animals, to her toenail collection and ended with a message to Emma that Jae and her will one day meet "in person" in Heaven.
On that day, they will need no introductions.
The only thing I would change about all of this, is that next year, I will do something similar for daddy.

2008, your imprint on all inhabitants of this earth will live on for eternity.
Some moments were forgettable and I certainly made my share of those during this year.
And some moments were of eternal consequence.
I find myself wishing I'd made more.

So 2008,...I will not miss you. Instead, I will anticipate 2009 with the good feeling of starting over.
New Beginnings are biblical.
Fresh starts.
Blank pages.
New resolutions.
New mercies for me as well as every other person alive.
A New Year filled with choices for each moment.

Christmas Inventory

Christmas shopping:
I am hopelessly behind.

Decorating:
Decorating? Me? Our fake pre-lit tree has one strand at the bottom that blinks furiously. None of us can make it stop.

Christmas Baking:
I'm all out of Marshmallows and Rice Krispies. Therefore, I can not bake.

Christmas song that has captured my attention:
The ditty that Shannon has on her blog.

The coolest Christmas tradition I've ever heard about:
My co-worker Daniel says that all the women in his family make these tightly sewn/woven cloth balls that are about the size of a softball. They soak them in kerosene for about 2 months. Right before opening presents, all members of the family go outside, fish these cloth balls out of the kerosene, set them on fire and throw them across the yard to each other. They play catch with these fire balls until the balls burn completely up. Daniel says that no one has ever gotten burned and even the young children play.
Daniel often lies to me, however, this is so bizarre that I don't think he could make it up.

I'm currently studying:
The 7 letters to the 7 churches in the 2nd-3rd chapters of Revelation. I've been reminded that God designed His church (our churches!) for our present day culture. He has no intention of abandoning us because we don't do all things right. He can do great things through us if our hearts are right. Although He sees the church as a corporate body, He also sees each individuals heart.
What an encouragement! God's fairness and righteousness is such a comfort.
By the way, I received several interesting emails (and a few blog comments! ) about the commentator who thought the Apostle John did not write Revelation. Just so you know,...I put him back on the shelf for a while. He was wearing me out.

I am stressed about:
not much. Maybe the mass mail out for "The 3 Cheerleaders" end of the year letter.
4000 letters is a lot of letters to stuff, stamp, lick and label. It takes a lot of people's effort to get it out of my head and into the post office, but by gum, it's almost a done deal.
(Are you on our mailing list?)

I'm pondering:
My resolutions for next year.

I am looking forward to:
Christmas. For the first time in 5 years. The feeling is tenuous, but it's there.
Today, as I wrote the angels' words from Luke 2 on our bulletin board at work, I nearly wept at the "...good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you (to me!) this day, a Saviour, who is Christ the Lord..."

A Savior for me.
That's good tidings indeed.

A Messy Christmas

Birthdays and Boxes

About this time 11 years ago, we hosted a sleep-over for Jae Lynn's 10th birthday. As usual, we were planning a party while having almost zero money.
Broke just did not do us justice.
We were "pore".

Jae and Casey were rich in friends however, so hosting their parties meant we had a minimum of 15 kids. Mostly girls, but cousins Nathan and Andrew, and friend Chase always had a standing invitation to all the parties,....including this sleepover. (Only one mama balked at the co-ed sleepover/sleeping arrangements but she finally relented).

This particular year, Ralph and I went to an appliance store and found about 6-8 huge boxes which had held new stoves and refrigerators. We tied them into the truck and brought them home and placed them in the front yard.
I really wasn't sure how the kids would respond to "boxes" being the extent of the party entertainment, however,... I can not describe how much fun these kids had playing in them!

They crawled into the boxes, fell out of them, pushed each other around in them, painted them, cut windows into them, hooked them together, jumped out of trees into them, rolled down the hill in them, packed 8 kids into one of them, changed clothes in them and finally, around midnight, all 18 kids fell asleep in them.

That very same weekend, there was a write-up in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette about another 10 year old little girl who had very different birthday party than Jae Lynn. This little girl had a limousine pick up her and her friends, where they were all then taken for a manicure/pedicure, pizza and a movie.
(Oh yeah,...they also had a photographer and a write-up in the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette. )

I felt sorry for that little rich girl.
She should have had refrigerator boxes.

Mother's Day

Never has a holiday moved me through so many deep emotions.

I remember when I was was little, the day was memorable because David, Bobby and I would all go out to our yard and clip a red rose off of one of our bushes. We got to wear red because it symbolized that our mom was still alive. I always felt for my mom, because daddy always had her a white corsage, which carried the symbolism of a mother who had died. I couldn't imagine a life without a mother.

Then after 7 years of marriage, Ralph and I had become desperate for a child of our own. (Well,..I was that way,....Ralph may not have classified himself as desperate.) The last verses of Psalm 127 seemed to mock me.
For some reason,...God was not "blessing our quiver". There were babies getting aborted, murdered and abused everywhere, yet, our arms were full of emptiness.
Following God was obviously not a guarantee of His blessing. I was confused.
Mother's day became a day of pain and all the celebrations rubbed salt in my broken heart.

Then,... the first Mother's day after adopting Jae Lynn.
There was not another Mother alive who praised God more for the joy and blessing of my daughter. I was overwhelmed with the love she inspired in me and I felt as if life would forever be good because Jae Lynn was in it.
Then Casey and Abby are born, adopted and blessed into my life and wonder of all wonders!...
How can this be?
Love is never divided, it is multiplied?
Only God could create such a deep capacity for something unseen.
I never took any Mother's day for granted. I still wore a red rose and now I had three children who called me mom.
My quiver was full.

Then Jae is killed at 16 years old, and Mother's day occurs two months later.
I celebrate with dinner at my mom's, receive gifts from Casey and Abby and then go to a cemetery to spend time near my oldest blessing.
Graves are sad places during the holidays, but the grave of a child is an area of desolation.
I am sure my cries could be heard over all the city.

Today, while at work, someone wished me a "Happy Mother's Day" and then asked me how many children I had. As usual, I answered that I have three daughters.
I was then asked various questions about them, and I was able to have a long conversation about the girls without having to disclose that one of them now lived in Heaven. This person, a stranger, thought Jae Lynn was still alive.
It was comforting to me.

I told a friend recently about a short conversation Abby had with the author John Piper who wrote "90 Minutes in Heaven". Abby asked to go and listen to this man preach and share his testimony, and then she wanted to stay and meet him personally after the service.
We waited until the sanctuary was almost completely empty. Abby walked up to him and with tears in her big brown eyes, leaned up towards him and whispered:
"my sister was killed in a car wreck".

Mr. Piper leaned towards her and whispered back :"Your sister's not dead".


I am still the mother of three.
Two are alive and will be in my kitchen this Mother's Day.
One is alive and in the presence of her Creator and The King of Kings.
My head tells me that Jae is more alive that Casey or Abby.
My heart tells a different story.

Never has a holiday moved me through so may emotions.

Christmas Eve gift

When I was growing up and the family would gather at my home and Uncle Tom's and Aunt Mildred's house, we always came through the door yelling "CHRISTMAS EVE GIFT!! CHRISTMAS EVE GIFT!!" which meant that a kiss and a hug was to be given and returned.

Now, a wonderful thing has occurred: There is an entirely new set of people who come through those same doors yelling that phrase. Some of them had no choice about the matter,..they were born into this crazy family. But others married into us and have completed our circle. Many of us no longer live in Jacksonville, so I expect they are yelling that phrase in their own houses which are mostly scattered across Texas, and other parts of the nation as well.

And then there are those others,.... The ones whose voices we long to hear: Aunt Irene, Grandma Goldie, Grandma and Grandfather Bushey, Uncle Tom, Aunt Mildred, a brother I never knew, Daddy, and Jae Lynn.

I asked Casey this morning what she thought Jae would be like if she had lived. We wondered about it for awhile, but settled on the fact that we mainly just wished she was here with us. I told Casey that maybe she was here with us.

I have said before (and this wasn't an original idea) that I think Heaven may see us and know about us, just as we know about a baby that is soon to be born. The unborn baby or newborn baby is completely unaware of anything, and can not know that is is already named, and how much is it loved, cared for and protected. That child's lack of understanding of those concepts does not mean that they are not true.

To say that Heaven's occupants are unaware of our lives here on Earth, implies that they do not have full knowledge and memory of who they are. I think that the ones who have gone on before us, are deeply concerned for our welfare, just as God is. However, they have an understanding of how transient our life here is, and know full well that what awaits us can not even compare with what we are experiencing here.

Just as our family here continues to change, with it's additions and losses,..our family there also is experiencing a growing circle. They don't miss us, because they know we are all on our way. How can you "miss" someone who is already on the way to the party?

Deep thoughts. Maybe not always correct theology, but I have studied enough to know that it is not all just "wishful thinking" of a mother who longs for her oldest child.

Christmas Eve gift Jae Lynn.
Christmas Eve gift Daddy.
Christmas Eve gift Uncle Tom.
Christmas Eve gift Aunt Mildred.
Christmas Eve gift Lawson.
Christmas Eve gift to the rest of my loved ones there.

We will all be there when we are "full of days" here.

Decorations

This post was almost written at 3:00 am, since that was when I got up today. Instead, I waited until now, when I am feeling a little less overwhelmed and bit more awake.

Behind me is a fragrant candle which I lit on Thanksgiving weekend to symbolize Jae Lynn's presence with our family all through the holidays. It will burn continually until New Years day, where then, I will pack it up and store it away until next year.

Directly in front of me is a program from today's memorial service hosted by the funeral home which served us after daddy's death 3 months ago. My friends at this funeral home honored and remembered all who had been lost this past year. A thoughtful gesture.

To my left is a closet filled with gifts already purchased for under our Christmas tree. To my right is the place where our tree will stand.

Our tree used to be decorated with our hodge-podge of home-made ornaments, and our walls were covered with the girls annual "Dear Santa" lists. Each of the three girls had their own little nativity scene to place wherever they chose. Almost every single thing in our decoration box had been kept for a reason and had some sort of sentimental value. Last week, I climbed into the attic and stared at that huge decoration box, now covered with three years worth of dust.
Will I open it this year?
Friends have offered to do it with me, but I think that when I enter into that box, it will need to be done in solitude.

I used to hate it when I overheard someone say "I wish Christmas would be over!" I never told them so, but I often considered those people just grouchy negative bah-hum-bug-er's. I could not comprehend how such a wonderful joy filled season could be dreaded.
Me.
The one who considered herself so "caring and understanding and empathetic".

Grief is the hardest work I have ever done. It never ends. Time does indeed provide blessed healing of my wounded heart, but the scab gets raked off every hour during the holiday season.
Even when I sleep. Or don't sleep.

At this afternoon's memorial service that I just mentioned, I was surrounded by a hundred or so of fellow mourners. There are others out there who feel like me. Thousands probably. Now I can relate when I hear the phrase, "I just wish it was over!".

I have a great deal of blessings and joy in my life.
I honestly am, I think, a very positive individual. It may not be obvious by these thoughts, but it is true.
However,...I don't think I will get into the box this year.