Miss

I miss things.

I used to miss the bus when I was little.
I miss appointments.
I sometimes miss church.
I miss a meal. (rare)
I miss seeing things at the mall.
I miss Donnie and Marie.
I miss seeing a friend when she comes into town.
I miss the oak tree near my dad's garage.
I miss my Mazda with it's 6 disc CD changer.
I miss the moon when it's cloudy.
I miss my jewelry and home movies which were stolen in 1989.
I miss my Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir CD.
I miss owning sheep.
I miss answering the phone in time to know who has called.
I miss Razorback football when it's out of season.
I miss looking young.
I miss good dreams.


I miss Jae.

I don't even like to say the word "miss" and her name at the same time.
It seems to trivialize a horribly deep chasm of loss.

But tell me another word which says the same thing and easily fits into most conversations?
Yearn?
Pine?
Long?


I miss my future grandchildren that I will never know.
I miss her laugh at my dinner table.
and in my car.
and in my living room.
and everywhere else I go.
I miss her living influence on her sisters and cousins.
I miss her singing.
I miss her career. (How is that even possible?)
I miss her enjoyment of things around me.
I miss waking her up in the mornings and singing her to sleep at night.
I miss her when I see her friends living well and I miss her when I see her friends wasting opportunities.
I miss things that I don't even know about.


Blessedly and thanks be I don't always miss her as I've done this week,...but tonight,

I.
Miss.
Yearn for.
Pine for.
Long to see.

Jae Lynn.

Roads, Radios and Deep thinking

I've been a-wanderin lately!

Ralph and I took Abby, Amanda and another friend (Dillon) to a leadership apprentice program in Glorieta New Mexico. 2 solid weeks of leadership training/working along side of the staffers at the Southern Baptist summer camps.
After dropping her off, Ralph and I headed up towards Colorado. I've always wanted to see the Rockies! In spite of the cloudy weather, the peaks and views are some of the most spectacular I've ever seen.
New Mexico was brown and dry as a chip and there is virtually no vegetation higher than 12 inches. Seems to me that a New Mexico landscaper would starve to death.

Rode into Dodge City ( in a van not on a horse) and was taken on a personal tour by a real live US Marshall who grew up there. He was at least 75 years old, wore a crooked mustache, a badge, spurs and a gun. He was thrilled to be a Dodge city tour guide but was struggling with the changes occurring in the city. As he walked away from a couple landmarks, I heard him softly mumble about the "knuckleheads" who were running the city these days. I was also bit sad as he tried to make his voice heard over a couple of young punks who drove by (twice) with rap music blaring.

They should have been scared.....He coulda shot 'em.

On the way home, Ralph took a nap in the passenger seat as I drove.
I was missing Abby and praying for her to become filled with God's presence.
I was missing Casey and hating for her to be home all alone.
I was missing Jae Lynn and the fact that we never again get to vacation with her.

As I drove through the dusky evening I asked God to please let a song come on the radio which would make me feel close to the child I haven't held in years. The first one which came on was a rock-n-roll song. (hee hee)


I switched stations and came upon this one.


I believe God is all powerful.
I believe God is all loving.
Jae's death doesn't fit in with those two huge concepts.

Gotta go.
Got to go re-read all those 74(!) blog posts I've written on Faith....

Pigs and Angels

I do SO love Christmas trees which are coordinated.

Especially Blue and Silver ones.

and Red and Gold.

Never got into the feathers, but love the ribbons.

The Russell tree however,..will never be coordinated.

The kids have picked out a hodge podge of decorations and ornaments for the

past 20+ years and I love the memory of each one.

That's partly the reason my Christmas decorations

were left up in my Attic for years after Jae's accident.

Ya'll were right there with me when

I could not bring myself to bring those decorations down

and then you were there

when I finally did.

But for the past several years, I've noticed a trend in my tree decor:

It has become full of

Pigs and Angels.

How wonderfully odd......

The one above was actually the first one ever bought.

I found it in Branson as we escaped there on that terrible 1st Christmas without her.

I was sobbing at the checkout.

Below,..you will note Rudolph's replacements

Love the boots...

These crocheted angels have been on our tree for 15 years.

Handmade by Mrs. Nellie Fielder, a precious lady in my church.

Of course, I've one for each of the girls,

(and Mrs. Fielder's church directory obviously has holes in it!)

I've seen this look/pose from Jae a hundred times.

One of the gifts my fabulous sister Susan gives each year

is an ornament to each of the girls.

We have three of these on our tree...

I love this darlin hanging on the letter "J"

And then,....

Here is an odd saying for a Christmas ornament.

Jae Lynn,

The answers continue to elude me.

I think that you are not too far away, but I just don't know.

The mystery of Heaven leaves me wanting more.

More of what?

....answers?

......comfort?

.....patience?

...passion?

All of those things, yes.

But the bottom line is that I want it all.

I want the reunion with you that is promised to me.

I want no more Christmases without the ones I love.

I want an end to Bereaved Parents groups

and cemeteries in general.

I want to know my purpose.

The answers continue to elude me.

I think that you are not too far away,...but I just don't know.

Jo's Companions

By far, one of my favorite posts ever written on Weepyseeds was by a "guest blogger".
My brother David wrote of his experince running the LR Marathon in 2009.

Today I am posting writings from another guest.

Jo Lauer is a cherished friend who I've met in the pit of grief as we've both attended the monthly Bereaved Parents meetings in North Little Rock. Jo's adult daughter died months ago and as we grievers know,..her journey is unique.
I was deeply moved when she shared these thoughts last month and and she has given me permission to share them with you.

**********************************************
**********************************************
Jo Lauer:
In the past few months, I have decided it’s time to make peace with my grief; to welcome grief as a friend into my life;
to allow grief to walk with me and teach my soul the lessons only grief can teach.

The time as come to allow grief to expand my heart, to teach me how to reach out to others who are hurting.

Grief has become my life long companion; a companion to embrace and to listen to.
A companion I must follow willingly if I’m to learn the lessons she was sent to teach me.
Grief strips away the trivial, the unimportant.
Grief leaves me naked and defenseless again the pain I felt. It’s only when I accept the fact that I have no defense against grief, when I stop battling it, denying it, suppressing it, hating it, and allowing it into my heart and head with no more barriers, that grief changes from a relentless, assaulting enemy into a gentle companion.

Grief is teaching me the preciousness of life.

Grief is teaching me the value of forgiveness and acceptance that can only come from the experience of total helplessness and powerlessness.
If I listen to grief as a friend, I will find a value and a purpose in the tears I‘ve shed. My tears are washing away those things in me that I held on to so tightly – control, unforgiveness, revenge, bitterness, selfishness – the barriers I put into my life to distance myself from the suffering in the world.

Grief is teaching me that my tears are mingled with the tears of mothers all over the world who have lost a child.

When I embrace grief as a companion, she brings yet another sister, in addition to consolation …compassion.
When I battled grief, she couldn’t introduce me to her other sisters, mercy, peace, and empathy. Grief brings cleansing and acceptance.
Grief brings a type of being born again.
The line between my life before Alyson died and my life now is becoming wider and deeper each day.
I’ve felt this sense of not knowing who I was any more and my companion grief is here to help me in my rebirth.

Three days. Three Daughters.

I'm wore out.

Friday night. Abby Night
She is inviting her marching band to our home after the home games.
"The whole band?" I confirmed a few weeks ago.
There's about 110 kids in it.
To prepare, we began "re-doing" the back room a few weeks ago . Finally finished (more-or-less) and the outcome is surprisingly cool. I was pretty skeptical of her dark gray, teal and pink color scheme. As she suspected, Friday night came and they did NOT all show up.
We're still eating the food.

Anyway,...big night,...lots of prep and I'm tired.

Saturday. Casey day.
She volunteered to be stage crew for CityFest in Little Rock.
The organizers saw her application, called her up and asked to take a huge position (no pay, no authority) as one of the main volunteer coordinators.
Yep,..for the entire event.
I was her assistant.
For the entire day yesterday, my main job was to do whatever Casey told me to do. It was kinda neat seeing her in charge and watching her network with other key players in the large event.
One of the volunteers had no one on her team show up as scheduled, so Casey sent me a "quick!" order to assist with decorating the hospitality room for the artists/bands.
Seriously?
Of all the things I can do and I'm asked to go decorate?
Their desperation was apparent.

(side story:....a nice looking young band member had a regular lunch with his regular looking parents who evidently had traveled several hours to see his show. Quiet. Normal. Then,..a couple hours later I see that young man on stage in very different apparel, playing the electric guitar and screaming his lungs out to unintelligible head-banging rock music. I heard later that the mom was touched by all the decorations.)

Casey and I began the day around 7:00am and got home around 11:00pm.
Big day. I'm tired.

Sunday. Jae Lynn.
23 years ago today a beautiful young woman gave birth to a baby who was meant for my arms.
My mind is recalling all the birthdays and celebrations that this day has been in our home. Now we spend her birthday going to a nice restaurant,..one of her many faves. Then,..usually around sunset, I will release balloons at her grave.

One of the things about a child's death is that their life seems to lose significance as time passes. Some of you may react to that statement by saying "NO! We'd never forget Jae!"
But remembering a person is different than being significantly changed by them.

My dad crossed into Heaven a couple of years ago. His memory and his significance will live on for generations through those of us who were raised by him.
Children, however, don't often get a chance to leave that strong of a legacy. Their life was often too short and their impact seems to be primarily on those in the family and their close circle of friends.

A child's birth will change us.
Their death, however, will transform a parent to the point where we will say that "we" died.
The transformation, coupled with the pain and fear of loss of significance for our child will compel us to do new things like establish foundations, oversee scholarships, change careers, write, speak and jump flat in the middle of other things that we ordinarily would never do.

Our transformation becomes our child's significance.
These are deep thoughts.
But then,..I'm feeling deep sadness.

I'm tired.
I don't belong here.

If Need Be

I admit.

I was not paying attention.

Do you ever open the bible when the preacher tells you to, and then keep reading the Bible even though he is done reading and has started preaching?

(don't lie..... I know you do that too!)



I kept reading til I got to the verse in 1 Peter 1:6. It says,......

In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials.......

huh?

If need be?

IF NEED BE?


(Don't try to figure this out Becky. You've been there already......)

Pain Changes Us

I spent some time today speaking today with a friend who has undergone immense trouble recently.
I am not sure what she was like before her pain,..but she is sure an amazing woman now.
Fearless.
Impetuous.
Refreshingly honest.
Tender.
Godly.
Hysterically funny.
Compassionate.
Lit flat up for God.


You know that phrase "what doesn't kill ya will make you stronger"?
Well,..I don't always agree with it.
I can think of some who aren't stronger because of the terrible things they've endured.
No judgement from me in their regards,...but I take issue with the assumption that pain always strengthens.
Does pain change everyone?
Yep.
That I would agree with 100%.

God pretty much guarantees His followers pain.
"Count on it" He says. (too many scriptures to list)
I'm sure His disciples thought to themselves the same thing I have grappled with even today.
What kind of crazy plan is that?
God wants me to be more like Him but part of that process is to....hurt?

I don't know about you,...but I really don't remember that being part of my alter call. Maybe they explained it to me but "Taking up my cross" didn't mean much to me at 15 years old.

I'm going to start actively teaching my daughters and teenagers at church differently.

Hopefully, I will embrace the idea even as I recoil from it.

God-followers are refined in a variety of ways,..but nothing has purified me like the pain.

Big Weekend

Usually, I have to miss the annual fund raiser tournament that is held each year for Jae, Taylore' and Alicia's memorial scholarship. In the last few years, all three families and close friends have organized and pulled off a ginormous fast-pitch softball tournament in Sherwood. It started 4 years ago with 24 (?) teams and this year we had almost 60.
I've always missed it because I also became involved in presentations within the Bereaved Parents of the USA National Gathering.
Even though I may have been in Chicago, St. Louis, and New York, my heart's always been in Sherwood at the ball tournament.

This year however,..the gathering was in Little Rock.
"Great!" I thought. "I'll be able to travel back and forth between the two events!"


I expected to be busy and in fact, I was crazy busy.
But I was also completely unprepared for a couple of things:

**Letting go of control.
I don't know hardly anything about tournaments.
Nothin at all.
Can't control things I don't know about, but that doesn't mean that my opinions aren't strong. It's tough to be passionate about something and yet be unable to significantly influence the outcome.
Control freak?
Me?
I would usually say no,..but I'm feeling more and more grumpy these days when I'm in the middle of things that are important to me. I've got to work on that with prayer.

**Going between the events and different groups of people was a huge emotional swing.
Some who read this blog may think:
"Of course Becky,..going from a ball tournament filled with families and children is a happy place and then you have to go to the doom and gloom event where 300 moms and dad's are discussing their own nightmare."
The truth is that they are both wonderful.
We've tried hard to make our tournament one which is competitive but gentle too. Trophy awards end up being full of hugs and even tears.
Our daughters played on the same fields that we now hand out trophies on in their memory.
I tell ya,....it's a mental challenge.

Yet,..I love being there because those friends are the ones I've made in the dark pit of grief and despair.
Bar none, the Bereaved Parents event is one of my most favorite groups of people in this whole entire world.
I can't imagine another large group of people so laid back and relaxed. Laughter happens constantly, spontaneously and our loss is shared as easily as if we are discussing the weather. There's no describing it.
People from all across America and all types of loss (multiple child loss, murder, special needs, chronic illness, car accidents, suicide and more) You just gotta be there to understand.
Depressing?
No frazzlin way.
With that group of friends I find myself surrounded by the wise, the heroes, the strong, the fearless, the tested and the laid back.
AND it rubs off on me.

Going from that group to the tournament where so many details mattered wore me slap out. (along with never going to bed Friday night)


So.
I said goodbye to all my BP friends Sunday morning and then helped award the last trophy that afternoon.
Walking out of the ball park I had what some would call a meltdown reflected on the rich blessings that I am surrounded with.
All because of Jae Lynn.
That girl always has shown me the ridiculous extremes of most emotions.
It's cool to know she still does.

I miss you so much Jae and wish I could see you.

Wish I knew how close you are to us.
I wish I could see Heaven.
I wish....

Lies And Wishes

Tonight, I was pilfering through Jae's room searching for some pictures and Abby came in to talk.
Loooonnnnng conversation.
There were lots of thoughts and questions about what Jae Lynn is like right now.

If you have followed this blog for any time, you will recall that my obsession with Jae's after-death whereabouts led me on an intense and in-depth search for information about Heaven.

That is an understatement.

By no means do I think that I am now an expert, but I have personally come to believe that most of my ideas of Heaven and it's occupants have been based upon wrong theology. As I shared some of my thoughts about Jae and angels and Heaven,...Abby was irritated.
At me.
At all of her past Sunday school teachers.
At our church pastors.
She feels that she has been "lied to".
Then she dismissed most of my observations and told she would believe what she wanted to.
(Deep discussions are never easy with this daughter)

Here in June of 2010, Abby is the age that Jae Lynn was at the time of her accident.
That's a really big deal.
I think that Abby is fully comprehending the loss of her oldest sister more than she has done in past years. It's as if she, 6 years after the loss, knows Jae better now than she did when she was 10.
Devastated at 10 but filled with understanding at 16.

I asked her if Jae was right here with us, what would she say to her?
Her reply was ......."secret things".

I wish I understood life after death.
I'm told to believe and have faith.
I do and I do.

But that doesn't take away the wishing.

Amanda is in Heaven

Please pray for Amanda's family, the precious young girl whose family blog has been linked

to mine for a couple of years.

Amanda's life has been so inspiring to me during her illness , especially during

these past few hard months.

It's comforting to me that she and Jae may meet each other soon.

I wish I knew how all that works.

My heart breaks for Amanda' family.

My heart still breaks for mine.

"I thank my God for every remembrance of you"

Philippians 1:3

Loving Jae's Soul

I still love Jae Lynn even though her body no longer lives.

How can that be?

When I think of all the wonderful lovely things that I loved about her, I would usually describe her actions, her appearance, her expressions or her whimsical personality traits.

I used to tell her that I knew her better than she knew herself. Us mothers are blessed to be able to truly know our children's heart and soul. However, the truth is, that all of those things were then expressed through her physical body.

I loved her body.
The way her mouth would become crooked when she sang.
Her squishy little muscles.
Her thick blond hair.
Her voice,..ah,....her voice!
I could go on and on about what I love and what I miss.
That, in fact, is so much a part of the pain of grief. We lose the ability to have that precious person with us in our daily lives.

On that terrible day, I lost the ability to care, nurture and love her body.
I faced a unimaginable dilemma:
How do I love Jae Lynn when she doesn't have a physical body?

I am better at it now than I used to be, but I struggle with separation of her body' death and the life of her soul.

I know what made Jae Lynn so wonderful was her soul and it/she/that will live forever.
But I want her body.
I loved it dearly.
I want to see, hear and hold her.

I love her soul.
It lives.
Just as surely as I live and type this post.,...Jae Lynn lives.
In fact, she is probably more alive than I.
But her "soul" doesn't fill her chair at our supper table.
Her soul does not sleep in her bed under my roof.
Her soul does not make an appearance at our family gatherings.

Or does it?

sigh
I wish I understood.

Christmas 2009

I will not be one of those people who enter the Christmas season just wishing it was over.
However, I will also not ignore the strain that I feel this time of the year.
We all have the stress of the holidays, even those of us who try hard to focus on the true meaning.
Can we really escape it?
Can we really enjoy the entire Christmas season with all of it's crowds, parties and programs?
Those of us who love to shop often feel pressure to find a perfect suitable gift for the ones we love but who already have everything.

Our family (Jeffers and Russells) decided this year to really and truly "scale back". We've talked about it before,..but this year most of us really did it. Our plans were to spend our time/money on something which had a positive impact on others.
It was wonderful and I loved it.
I'm not relating the following info to make us look special or holier than others, but I'm sharing what has helped bring more meaning to my life during a wonderful but painful time.

Between all of us, we provided Christmas for several children through the Salvation army, we fed and clothed the hungry through an established organization in Little Rock and we established an award which will be given to a high school student in the North Pulaski Chorale department. It is in memory and honor of two of my favorite singers,..my father, Louie and his granddaughter Jae Lynn.

It's called the

Barefoot Singer Award

Singing with no shoes symbolizes vulnerability, passion and freedom

from barriers and inhibitions.
Singing barefooted heightens the senses of the
performer as well as the listener
by incorporating physical touch and sight

into the creation of musical sounds.

This award in presented tonight in memory of a singer who loved to
perform barefooted on this very stage.
When Jae Lynn Russell’s voice left us in 2004,
the entire choral department of North Pulaski came together,
removed their shoes and performed in her honor.

A Barefoot Singer will have a song
on their mind, in their heart and on their lips
in what ever circumstances they are in.

A Barefoot Singer will sing just as surely as they will breathe
and music is not so much considered a part of their life

as it is a part of their soul.
A Barefoot Singer is a lover, a dreamer and believes that
magical things can happen when music is in the air.

Although this Barefoot Singer award is going to a very talented individual,

it not their ability which sets them apart from their peers.
Rather,....it is their love of the song.

　

I don't know all of my readers and followers but I have loved your company this year.
Merry Christmas friends.

　
　

Teddy

Shopping today in June's Hallmark of NLR almost led me into one of those Christmastimehumdingerhissyfits.
Have you ever had one of those?
I wrote about them here.


My time spent the past couple of days with Casey and Abby has left me pining for my other daughter.
What would Jae be like today?

Today, in the Hallmark store, I was reminded of a time, years ago, when I was in there shopping for something. Jae was about 8 years old and as we entered the store, her eye fell onto a small red teddy bear sitting in the middle of a hundred other stuffed animals. She gasped, knelt down in front of the rack, picked up the bear and followed me through the store. She cooed and whispered to it the entire time as I browsed for forgettable things.


She begged me for it.
Begged me I tell ya.

I said "no".


You should have witnessed the emotional parting she and this red teddy bear had right there in the aisle of that busy store.
It was a quiet separation but I knew she felt as if she was leaving someone special.

I recall a similar time when in a toy store at Branson, Jae saw a doll named "Polly Flinders". The minute she saw the doll, we could tell that it was different. She seemed to connect with it in a way that we had not seen before.
Her desire for Polly Flinders could best be described as ......desperate.
Even after Jae no longer played with dolls, Polly was never put away.

For some reason, this red teddy in the hallmark store seemed to be similar to Polly, so as soon as I could, I returned to purchase him for one of her Christmas presents.

Teddy became a very important member of our family.
He frequently got buckled in beside her in our family van, he slept on her pillow each night, waited for her to come home each day, he camped with us, accompanied us to Disney, occasionally went to church and he faithfully attended every cheer competition.
He was present as she filled her journals at night and I'm positive he was privy to many of her night-time musings.

In June's hallmark store today, I recalled Jae Lynn kneeling there and meeting Teddy for the first time.

I wanted to tell each mother in the store to buy whatever their kids wished for.

Teddy now sleeps in my room with me.

What's On Your Mind?

I wonder sometimes, as I live, work and socialize with different people, what types of agonies lurk in the front of their minds as they carry on conversations with me.

As I laugh and joke about mundane things, mention newspaper articles or comment on life,..have my friends been mentally and emotionally sidetracked by horrible memories?

Could my friends be making a valiant attempt to respond to my conversation but deep inside their head, they are mulling an internal pain which would silence me if I knew of it?

That happened to me today.
I excused myself from the crowd so I would not make a scene.
Was I angry?
Nope.
Were they insensitive?
Not really,..they didn't know me "before" so don't fully understand the sharp trajectory change my life has taken.
It's not noticeable to the eye.
I have a deep wound which appears healed, but festers under the surface.

My friends would not know that their topic of discussion began a mental train of thought which could not be stopped.
I could not tell them that as they were talking an joking among themselves that I was replaying a nightmarish scene that played itself out in my front yard of the afternoon of March 18th, 2004.
There are some pains which are never forgotten.
It becomes part of us without us wanting it to be so.
The hurt defies description, yet,.. it's ordinary and normal.
We pray to be separated from it, but it's utterly impossible.
It ebbs and fades at times, but we feel it from a distance knowing it will return.
We all say that "Pain comes to us all", but sleeping, waking and living with it is so,......painful.

It's not crippling by any means, but it is lonely.
Very lonely.

Maybe it's the grief of losing someone who we don't think we can live without.
Maybe it's the loss of love through divorce or rejection.
Violence inflicted upon us by another.
Physical illness and suffering.
A prodigal child.
Addiction.

Whatever it is,..it's is never far from the mind.

I must remember that when I interact with people.
I must remember that about me.

Weekend Reflections

Went to Fayetteville this week-end to spend time with Casey. The Hogs just happened to play so I watched them too.
Here's some random reflections from the weekend.
**************************************
Casey cleaned her apartment in anticipation of our arrival. Imagine that.

Breakfast at the Cracker Barrel is a great date.

The lady who sat next to me at the football game cried during the National anthem.

Casey's roommate is an Interior Design major. She's been "in studio" now for about 36 hours straight. Her schedule the past two semesters has been insane.
Mama's...don't let your babies grow up to be Interior Designers.

Every single coach and manager on the South Carolina Football team wears their pants about 4 inches too long.

If Jae were still with us, she would more than likely be a senior cheerleader at some university.

Casey plans, travels and roams because she still grieves deeply.

Abby is right now, the same age as Casey was when we lost Jae.

I am reminded that some of the most important jobs I can do or my girls is to pray, love and listen.

Anytime I see sunrises, sunsets, pretty moons, rainbows or storms,..I wonder what it all looks like from Heaven's viewpoint.

I love to come home.

I found out that we now have the BET channel on our TV.

Oh joy. Another channel to block.

Abby still fits nicely in my lap.

And lastly,.....a moment form the Hogs football game that I always look forward to.....

.

Jae's Artistic Church Moments

This afternoon, as I cleaned out some old papers and books from my office,

I found a workbook of Jae's.

She was always prone to doodle and write as she "listened".

Here's my favorite picture and danged if I know how it

and the next one ended up sideways!

Just tilt your head to the right a bit......

I think I recall this moment myself....

(hee hee)

The pic below says

"This is me is 5 minutes"

Is that not the sweetest?

I sat in the floor of my office and missed her with a

physical intensity that made me

short of breath.

I'm still that way tonight.

The world misses her.

No Nobodies In Heaven

Have you ever wondered how God will be able to pay attention to each one of us in Heaven?
If there are a few million of us there, then how will He even know that I've arrived?
If I'm surrounded by King David, Moses, Mother Teresa, and other saints from past and present, won't I end up being just a big "nobody" in Heaven?


(I know you are probably thinking,..I hope God don't put Becky and her sorry attitude in a mansion near me!)


The other night, Bro David mentioned something about Heaven which made me wonder if Heaven may possible be similar to warm loving family get-togethers here.
Up until the time that daddy passed away over a year ago, my entire family would gather at his house. Not because it was the best home or most convenient location, but we came to 8214 Centennial because daddy and momma were there.
One by one, each family member would arrive. Usually, daddy could hear us on the back porch before we entered the kitchen so his eyes were on the door as we arrived. Some of us arrived alone and some of us entered the front door all wadded up as a group. One of the first things we did on arrival was go to his chair to greet him.
During our family gatherings, we would mill around throughout the house laughing and talking to each other, sometimes speaking directly to daddy, sometimes talking to others near his chair and sometimes out of his sight. Regardless, we knew that we were a loving family and we were bound together through our strongest link,...our "patriarch".

If daddy spoke with Bobby or David, I didn't get jealous....I knew he loved each of us.
If daddy was having a conversation with one of the grandchildren, there was no one who was impatiently tapping a foot.
There was no competition for his attention. We all felt that it was simply good enough to be near him.

As the family circle grew larger through marriages and births, the family grew louder and love was multiplied. It grew harder and harder to get all of us together at the same time, but no matter who was missing, the family was incomplete without each person there.
Joyful and loving, but aware of absences.
I recall the days when we had each member there at the table. It was incredibly satisfying.

Maybe Heaven will be like that. Fellowship with each other will be taken to an entirely new dimension, but the best part will be that it will all happen in the "Presence" of God.
Being together,...and near Him will be enough.
He won't have to be giving me undivided attention for me to feel His love.

I bet He can't wait until we are all sitting at His supper table.
I imagine that He is enjoying the ones at his feet and His chair, but He is also aware of each one of us that's missing.

I can identify.

Cardiac Rehab

In the summer of 2006, I entered a unit for the first time and had a conversation with the supervisor of the North Little Rock (Baptist) Cardiac Rehab department. I knew nothing about Cardiac Rehab, but was fascinated by their 12 hr/day work schedule....off every Tuesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday!
At that particular moment in my life, I needed time.
I wanted to be more available to help mom take care of daddy.
I wanted to devote more time to Jae's scholarship.
I wanted to be spend more time with Ralph, Casey and Abby.
I also was desperate to write.
The schedule was near perfect.

I knew the unit supervisor, Glen, through mutual friends and by professional reputation. I didn't request an interview with him but just busted into the unit unannounced and asked him if I would like it there. (!)
I recall telling him that I needed a job which made a difference in people's lives.
I wanted a job that "mattered".
Glen assured me that Cardiac Rehab was indeed life changing.

You see, at that moment in my life, I was still very broken.
Jae had been gone about 15 months and I felt very distracted. I was still doing the daily crying thing, I struggled with the frequent sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach but it appeared on the surface as if I was coping well with the grief.

I also remember at that time in my journey, that one of my survival techniques was to try to encourage other people.
NOT because I was good-hearted, no! no!.....I did it because it made me feel better.
Selfishness...pure and simple.
As I entered Cardiac Rehab that day in 2006, I had this crazy hope that I could make a difference in other people lives while dulling the ache within my own.

The job turned out to be everything I needed it to be.
No kidding,...going to work each day felt like I was going to a 12 hour church social.
In the North Little Rock Cardiac Rehab, hugs are given freely all day long.
Loud laughter abounds.
I know all about my patients children and grandchildren and they know about my girls.
I get to use my spiritual and professional gift of mercy and my patients in turn shower me with affection and affirmation.
I've been part of a staff which has assisted in identifying many life threatening conditions.
Each member of our small team (of 6) is a strong believer in Christ, but our differences are ridiculously huge.

For the hundreds of patients who have passed through our doors during the past 3 and 1/2 years, I think we have been an unusual mix of health care and entertainment. Not because we are especially talented, but because we quickly discovered that we deeply loved working together.
And.....we also deeply loved caring for our patients.

In two days, I will be walking away from this job that I love.
Our hospital is cutting it's services and we are being downsized.
Financially we are not lucrative, therefore our outcomes don't really matter.
(Health care 101. Don't get me started)

Where will I go? I'm not exactly sure.
But I can tell you that 3 1/2 years in a Cardiac Rehab has been just what this broken-hearted mom needed. Most patients complete the program in 8-12 weeks. It took this nurse a bit longer.

Cardiac Rehab for me.
Is God's plan not amazing?

Jae, a Friend and a Song

My friend Mary Beth Chapman told a story recently on her blog which reminded me of one of my own special moments which happened about 16 months after Jae's accident.

One particular summer morning, I pulled a package out of our mailbox and saw it was from a distant friend. This person and I were friendly of course, but she was not someone that I had spoken with except in passing at various sports events. The package held a letter and a CD with a song which she felt I should have.
The following is a thank-you letter I sent to her and I think it will explain the story to you.

********************************************

Dear ________,
Thanks so very much for the CD of the song. Thanks even more for remembering that I am still so incredibly sad. It has been 16 months since the accident, and much to my surprise, I find myself having some good days here and there. I honestly would have not dreamed that good days would be possible for me again.
I wanted to let you know specifically how your song helped me last week.

Casey had been away at church camp for several days and she sent me a text message around 1130 PM. I had already gone to bed but heard the text signal, so I got up to read her message.
I am extremely bad about knowing the details of working my cell phone, and in the course of trying to read Casey’s message, I found a “file” of saved messages on my cell phone which I had never seen before.
Evidently Casey had taken my phone and saved all of Jae’s messages to me from the days and weeks before she was killed. She, of course, thought I knew about the file.

The first saved text message that I pulled up to read evoked one of my most precious memories of Jae Lynn on the morning of her 16th birthday. I recall over the past months wishing that I had somehow saved those messages (especially that particular one) and suddenly, at 1130 PM, I was suddenly and unexpectedly reading them.
It was as if I was, after all I have been through, hearing Jae say those words to me again.

Although I was thrilled with the discovery of Jae’s messages to me, I was overwhelmed and overcome with my loss of her presence.
There was no consoling me.
Alone, at midnight, sobbing in the dark, I remembered your CD which had arrived that very morning. I put it in and pressed “repeat”. I do not know how many times the song played, but I do know that I was able to go back to bed within a couple of hours.

How comforting it is for me to know that God cares about the hard moments of our life! He knew back when this song was written that He would somehow connect
the other mourners in their grief,
the song-writer who was inspired by their loss,
the recording artist,
and you
and me on one of my worst nights.

I am grateful that you went to the effort of sending it my way, 16 months after her death.
It ended up being much more than just a song.
　
Love,
Becky　

Sleepless

Insomnia again last night.
Ya know, when I can't sleep, it is usually because I have something on my mind.
Maybe something I've been dealing with in life like kids, church or our scholarship project in Jae's memory.
Maybe it's something which I absolutely should not be worried about such as my farm animals or leaks in my RV when it rains.
And then it is just apt to be something bizarre like "why are my feet cold? OH NO! My circulation must be bad and both feet will have to be amputated in just a few years!"

Usually at 2:00 am, I am determined that I will get up first thing and call Dr. Fendley and get me a sleeping pill. However, then I forget about it until the next time I am awake at 2:00 am.

Last night was different however.
Last night, I was missing Jae Lynn like I have not done in a while.

I recalled the horrific nights where I could not sleep for crying for her.
I recalled the demonic nightmares which tortured me for a while.
I recalled the amazing outpouring of love and friendship which sustained me then and continues to sustain me now.
As I lay there, I recounted the numerous times she appeared at my bedside in the middle of the night.

The longing for her continued throughout the day and I found myself rifling through pictures this afternoon so I could see her face, her smile and her expressions.

I stare at those photographs and recall those moments when those pictures were taken. What would I have thought had I known how I would soon be looking at them?

Incredibly,...today,... 5 years after....I am filled with disbelief that I had her in our home, in our life, at my bedside and now she is gone.

I've been doing that "shaking my head No" thing again.

Sometimes, seeing her face in pictures brings me comfort.
Today however, they bring a deeper longing for Heaven.

I would not have you ignorant brothers concerning those who are asleep.

You believe in God, believe also in Me.

In My Father's house are many mansions.

If it were not so, I would tell you.

I go to prepare a place for you

so that where I am, there you will be also.

(Becky version)

Signing off now,..the moon is bright and I need to go stare at the night sky.