Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Rants and Psalms

You can thank me now.
Go ahead.
Go ahead and thank me for NOT posting last night.

You know,..sometimes people vent and rant when there has been a particularly frustrating moment or circumstance.

Understandable rants.

But then there are some rants which are just pointless. They cover all kinds of meaningless irritants which are really pretty insignificant when held up to other issues.
You can listen to a stupid pointless gripe session but you really want to tell them to just

Last night (all day)I was just plain ole bummed out, dark, depressed and feeling sorry for myself. Can't figure out the real reason but suspect it was a combination of painting a room, physical fatigue, stupid dog, a teenager, dirty floors, no file cabinet, too much furniture and missing Jae Lynn.

Missing Jae.

That was mostly it.
The big horrible unchangeable.

There comes a time in most people's grief journey when the survivor decides that there must be a change in order to survive.

We have to shift from living in the emotional to understanding the process.
Get cerebral.
Start using our minds.

For some of us that takes years.
Some of us dive right in early after the loss and grapple with the pain, the process and the purpose.
Sometimes we figure things out.
Sometimes we don't.
It's not that the emotional aspect (of anything) is bad,..it's just that it's seldom productive or pleasant for anyone.

One thing I've learned about me is that the Autumn season just tends to intensify my sadness.

I try not to shudder as I get out of my car at football games and feel the air, hear the band, the drums and the handsome announcer (grin).
I try to not stare at the far left corner of the cheerleaders as they do the moves I know so well.
I try not to dread the upcoming holiday season.
I work hard to remember the importance of living in the moment.
I try to remain passionate.

But sometimes, the petty emotional stuff just beats the crap out of me and I've no energy to get cerebral.
I'm not interested in figuring anything out.

Lying in bed this morning, I concluded that I needed, most of all, to start the day with the Word. Maybe God Himself could keep me from another day like yesterday.

He did.

The words of the first few verses of Psalms 37:
Trust (again)

(deep sigh)

1 comment:

MarshaMarshaMarsha said...

Oh Becky. Just reading your words makes me cry. Relating to your words makes me cry even more. Sometimes my body knows that it is August (the month that my son passed away) or that it is November (his bday month) before my mind realizes it. *sigh*

Keep fighting for JOY!