Monday, November 2, 2015

Needs, Wishes and Regrets

Today I am pensive.
Messy on the inside.
Days like today make me reflective.
Just last Friday, I heard a grief expert discuss "Grief overload".
Surely Central Arkansas is nearing that point. 
So many young people and adults gone too soon.

1.  Never worry that there is too much food, paper products, soft drinks and snacks.  There may seems to be too much,..but trust me,..they will come in handy in the coming months.   I did not have to buy Kleenex for 2 years and every time I went to my stash, encouraged me all over again.

2.  Someone may need to step in and manage the kitchen.  I'm sure that family members are doing it fine.  I thought so too,..until I  saw my sister-in-law Susan quietly sobbing at my kitchen sink.  It finally occurred to me that she needed to be comforted instead of "working".   My BFF and her family came in on the 3rd day and flat took over.  Thank goodness.

3.  Get Addresses.  Right now,..someone start writing them down.   Not just listing the gifts, visits and calls,..but get addresses.   

4.  I am grateful that I went all by myself into the funeral home and had quiet time with Jae Lynn. 
Just me and her. 
The funeral director guarded the door so I would not be disturbed.  
Regret:  I  sorely regret not encouraging my family members to do the same. 
For some odd reason, I worried that people would think it bizarre.

5.  Someone consider videoing the impromptu meetings, prayer vigils and speeches.  The family misses much of those meaningful tributes. 

6.  I hope that there are journals,..big ones, each home for friends and family to write in.  Those 3 big books full of heartfelt letters during the tenderness of pain are some of my most prized possessions.

7.  Write a note or card.  It's perfectly fine to express your thoughts or share a memory even if you do not know the family.  Don't just sign a card,..write a little something!

8.  I am grateful my family spoke at the funeral.  I am amazed that we did it, but I had been recently inspired by Dr. Lindy Bollen when he delivered an amazing tribute at his son Kyle's visitation 4 months earlier. 
Regret:  that we did not bounce the preacher and instead fill her service with tributes, poetry, memories or songs from family members and friends. 

9.  Us adults are pretty good at demonstrations and expressions of sympathy and support, but teenagers and children?...Not so much.  Encourage your teens to educate themselves on how to assist the surviving siblings.  Their current friend- skill- set will not be enough.

10.   If you feel helpless right now, me,..TrustMe.   There is plenty of time for you to provide meaningful support. 
As in the next 20-30 years.
The specific actions of love poured onto the hurting family during the immediate aftermath may or may not be remembered. 
However,..the cumulative feeling of love and support will never be forgotten.

1 comment:

Shari Anderson said...

Hi Ms.Becky.
I'm pretty sure you won't remember me but you were one of my instructors when I was in nursing school at Baptist. I had to quit 3 months before I graduated because my husband got orders to be stationed in MO.It was a conversation that you and I had about alternative healing that shaped my future later on.

When we got stationed back here at the airbase again, my son Ryan Anderson was going to North Pulaski until we moved off base and he started going to Jacksonville. He and his friend Herman Gonzales were friends with Jae Lynn. Their hearts were broken when Jae Lynn and her friends were killed. My heart was in my throat and then sank when I heard the news. All I could think of was being a mom and getting that kind of news.

Ryan and Herman are active duty military and Ryan has been deployed 3 times to Afghanistan. Herman is stationed in GA. They have seen a lot and are still very grounded boys, wait men, UGH! What I want to tell you, is that, when these two get together the first thing they do is go take flowers to Jae and spend time at her grave. Rain, snow or shine.

Having these events happen in my space has led me to the spiritual and healing side of alternative therapies. I now have my Master Massage license and am very close to getting my instructors license. I Love what I do. It's my life. It's my calling.

It's amazing how a circles of events intertwine with different people. I found this by linking with a friend on FB who had posted on here because of the recent tragedies in Cabot. My heart aches for the families of those girls. I pray for their healing and hope that they find peace soon.

I hope that you have found peace too. I've never had the privilege of meeting Jae but Ryan and Herman loved her like a sister. Ryan still hangs onto guitar pick necklace that says "It's just Jae" on it. It makes him smile. I just wanted you to know that she is still thought of and is loved. Thank you too, for being such an important influence in my life and helping me find my calling.

Sending you much love and light,

Shari Anderson