Life

"Isn't that a sad conference?"

People ask me how in the world I can enjoy attending an event filled with moms and dads who have experienced the death of one or more children.
I completely understand. I think I would feel the same way.
We, at our National Bereaved Parents Gathering, probably look like a train wreck...the kind of crowd where bystanders just can't look away.

We greet each other in the elevators with smiles, hugs and questions: Who are you here for? Then we show off a button picture or an engraved necklace and call the name of our kids who have gone too soon.
It's an odd heartfelt reunion with friends.
Pity the poor businessman who gets on the elevator with us.

I find that I am often consulted by friends who wish information regarding death and grief.
What I feel like I should be a resource for is information regarding life.
That'd be nice, but I know that's not how it works.

I know how precious it is.
I know how much the "picture moments" mean.
When I say "slow down and enjoy_____" it's been said with conviciton.
When I say "chooses your battles" I try to live it out (especially with Abby...)
When I read "Life is a vapor...", my head nods in agreement.


I desperately want my life to outlive me.
It has to be my life.
I don't think I'll make much of an difference by simply dying........everyone does that.

Walk Worthy

I was extremely distracted.
Felt guilty because I didn't want to be there.

Last Sunday morning in church, right on the front row, I thought of absolutely 100 things except what Bro. David was preaching about.

It wasn't his sermon on Ephesians 4 or his style that had my mind wandering, it was that:

1. Abby was due home after 2 weeks of summer camp.
2. Abby and I had not done hardly any communicating during those two weeks (very unusual)
3. The past two times I had spoken with her, she had been in tears.
4. Jae's memorial softball tournament was happening 20 miles away without me. I needed to be there. It's rude to have 100 volunteers working at the event and me not be there.
5. We had a guest music director (which was why I felt I couldn't miss church). Extremely nice man, but unfamiliar music directors are stressful on lil 'ole piano players like me.

All of the above combined made for a "restless listen".

Then,...yesterday,....I began to remember the scripture passage of his sermon.

Walk worthy of our calling.
Walk worthy.

The verses beg us to "walk worthy of the high calling which we have received."

To "walk" means we are going somewhere.
It's intentional and directional.
It's active.

I've been given a gift of a very high calling. God Himself has called me to live (walk) for Him and do the things He wishes me to do.
I'm a servant of the King.

He has lovingly called my name.
I need to remember to walk each moment in a way that brings Him pleasure.

Walk.

Worthy.

I've thought of that phrase almost every hour for two days.

The written word of God is a living thing which can re-enter my mind hours after I tuned it out.
Thanks to Bro. David for the passage.

Thanks to my Lord and Savior for loving me in spite of my messy self.

Roads, Radios and Deep thinking

I've been a-wanderin lately!

Ralph and I took Abby, Amanda and another friend (Dillon) to a leadership apprentice program in Glorieta New Mexico. 2 solid weeks of leadership training/working along side of the staffers at the Southern Baptist summer camps.
After dropping her off, Ralph and I headed up towards Colorado. I've always wanted to see the Rockies! In spite of the cloudy weather, the peaks and views are some of the most spectacular I've ever seen.
New Mexico was brown and dry as a chip and there is virtually no vegetation higher than 12 inches. Seems to me that a New Mexico landscaper would starve to death.

Rode into Dodge City ( in a van not on a horse) and was taken on a personal tour by a real live US Marshall who grew up there. He was at least 75 years old, wore a crooked mustache, a badge, spurs and a gun. He was thrilled to be a Dodge city tour guide but was struggling with the changes occurring in the city. As he walked away from a couple landmarks, I heard him softly mumble about the "knuckleheads" who were running the city these days. I was also bit sad as he tried to make his voice heard over a couple of young punks who drove by (twice) with rap music blaring.

They should have been scared.....He coulda shot 'em.

On the way home, Ralph took a nap in the passenger seat as I drove.
I was missing Abby and praying for her to become filled with God's presence.
I was missing Casey and hating for her to be home all alone.
I was missing Jae Lynn and the fact that we never again get to vacation with her.

As I drove through the dusky evening I asked God to please let a song come on the radio which would make me feel close to the child I haven't held in years. The first one which came on was a rock-n-roll song. (hee hee)


I switched stations and came upon this one.


I believe God is all powerful.
I believe God is all loving.
Jae's death doesn't fit in with those two huge concepts.

Gotta go.
Got to go re-read all those 74(!) blog posts I've written on Faith....

I knew something was bothering her as soon as she sat down beside me this morning. Church had not started yet and our church family was milling around us as she confided quietly that she had gotten very upset in Sunday school this morning.

As her other friends filled out some sort of survey about their dad (in anticipation of Father's Day), she was painfully reminded that her dad left her and her mom,
plus
he died a few years ago.
Wow. Her dad left her in divorce as well as death.
Double the pain.
Never to be reconciled.

She said "everyone else had good things to say about their dad. Good memories and good traditions. They know all about their dad's favorite everything. But my only stories are about how he left us. No one really wants to hear about that."

Gracious.
What in the world can I say in 30-60 seconds in a crowded room to such raw honest hurt?
As usual, I rely on the things I've recently read and studied.


Holy Fools (Matthew Woodley) is a book I found on the bargain rack for about 3 bucks.
See,...I had gone to Mardels to purchase a new book because I was jealous of my friend who went to a spiritual counselor and received a lot of wisdom, advice and new inspiration.
Since I don't have a spiritual counselor, I bought a cheap book.

Anyway......
Holy Fools gives 4 common denominators for the people who have changed the world:
1. They are passionate people.
2. They are messy people.
3. They associate with and love messy people.
4. They are always in trouble.

That's the advice I gave my young teen friend.
The chapters in our lives which are painful and "messy" are still things that God can use to bless others.
She truly loved the encouragement.

Now,..if I can just practice what I preach and apply that to my own life.............

Here's to the Mothers

Here's to the Mothers!

We show up every day to a job which never ends.
New life is celebrated and young mothers are supported and celebrated.
As time passes and the mother-child relationship ages,
the night-time feedings turn into night time counseling sessions
Make no mistake,.... one can be as life giving as the other.
The world can see us at soccer practice and in the church pews each week, but our private care and love delivered in the wee hours of the morning are seen by God and His angels.

Here's to the young women who long for children:
The ones who observe the planned and unplanned pregnancies of friends, family, strangers, teenagers, addicts and prostitutes. They try to not become bitter as they miss the children they can not conceive but time does not heal this longing for a child.....
Time intensifies it.

Here's to the Mothers who recently experienced their first Mother's day:
Her heart nearly bursts with blessings even as she yawns from her sleepless night feedings.
The power of love catches her by surprise.

Here's to the Mothers of prodigals:

Ruth Graham Bell said that our job was to pray and it was the Holy Spirit's job to convict.
We are so used to helping our kids "fix" their problems,
but here is a place where our passion is powerless.
Except in prayer.
No one,...NO ONE can pray for our kids like us moms.

Here's to the Mothers of children who are "special" indeed:
I can not comprehend parenting a child who you know will never reach adulthood.
I am profoundly moved when I watch you who deal daily with the pain of
watching your child struggle with small tasks.
Whether your beloved child's handicap is physical, mental, emotonal or all combined, you have one of the hardest roles of all.

Here's to the Mothers who have children and grandchildren all around:
Wonder of wonders! How much love can one heart hold?
An emotion this strong can only be supernatural.

Here's to the young women who have been blessed to have a good Mother.
Living under the same roof daily with someone who loves you more than they love themselves is what makes the world go 'round.
It equips us to face and conquer life.

Here's to the women who never had the blessing of a good Mother:
How deep the hurt must be as they observe other mom-daughters.
They read the sayings in the Mothers day cards and can't relate.
I am so sorry.

Here's to the Mothers who have placed their child for adoption:
The merging and melding of so many different lives takes my breath away.
These brave women create families out of their pain and fear.
Heroes,..that's what they are.
But most of them seldom think that above statement is true.

Here's to the woman-child who have to visit their mom's grave.
In all my studies of grief, the loss of a mom is one of the deepest of all. To be separated from the one who loves you more than any other living person is staggering to the core of being.
It leaves people at such a loss that they can feel adrift in life.

Here's to the Mothers who visit their children's graves:
Unspeakable.
Lonely.
Torn asunder.
Violation of the soul.
Rent.
Confused.
Transformed.
Survivors.
The ponders made at Jae Lynn's grave can not be published.
Not because they are private, but because they are too many.
Take it from me,...... the love of a mother defies death.
We simply love our children who now live in another dimension.

A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world.
It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.
Agatha Christie

Soon.

Maybe this describes me the past few weeks.

Maybe it doesn't.......

I've not had writer's block...

(I don't think)

Sorta

Thanks to all my friends who

have sent "Miss You!" messages.

Got just a few more things to do

and

I'll be back in the computer chair again!!

Lamentations at Dawn

I was an early riser this morning.
Had some things I just had to talk over with God and they wouldn't wait.

Then in my feeble attempt at scripture study at that ridiculous hour, I stumbled across a passage in Lamentations. (an appropriate book for that early hour)
Here's my crack-of-dawn message from chapter 3:

When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself.

Enter the silence. (I did)

Bow in prayer. (I did)

Don't ask questions. (I did)

Wait for hope to appear. (Forced to)

Don't run from trouble. (me?)

Take it full-face. (sigh)

The "worst" is never the worst.

Why?

Because the Master won't ever walk out and never return.

This is the part I really liked:

He takes no pleasure in making life hard, in throwing roadblocks in the way.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God hears and answers prayers.

But I also am acutely aware that I don't know the will of God.

I'm always trying to find it.

I've felt most of the times that I'm in it.

I've known the horribleness of being out of it.

But what about when you need answers and are truly trying to do all the right things,...yet there are still no answers or clarity of God speaking.

Facing hard things when you KNOW it's God's will would be do-able.

But for me,.....

the confusion is worse than pain.

I think.