The Loneliness Of Grief

Lonely.
Not the typical word people think of when discussing life after loss.
But it's huge.

Most of you know, that in the first year after Jae's death, we produced a video entitled "The 10 things I learned about Grief". However,...I think now,..5 long years later,...I could create another one entitled "1,000 things I learned about Grief".
Things that I simply never imagined.

We all have lost loved ones. I too, have friends and family which have left a hole in my life. But most of us have only a few people who "complete" our personality. We are literally defined by the presence of certain people in our lives, aren't we?
I am a wife.
I am a daughter.
I am a sister.
I am a mother.
I am an aunt and cousin.
etc,...
To the ones who are in the family circles, the loss completely rearranges the survivors lives, in an awful painful way.
For example,...I miss my dad, but no one misses him like my mom. After 60 years of togetherness, daddy's home going has, at times, left mama wondering who she is. Her life now does not even resemble her life with him. She misses him way beyond what David, Bob and I can comprehend. We see her loneliness at family gatherings, church and on trips, but I'm sure that she sits alone in her chair in the living room and recalls a million personal moments that we were never a part of.
That's what I mean by my statement that "Grief is lonely".

Ralph and I were driving home today from seeing Casey in Fayetteville. We began to talk about Jae and wondered what our life would be like if she had not been killed. We both spoke of how we longed for her daily, and how odd it is that the world has continued as if she had never been here.
"Who misses her like we do?" we wondered.
No one.
No one can mourn a child as a parent.

I'm rambling.
I am not hysterical.
I am not depressed.
I am not searching for sympathy.
Nor am I saying that other people do not hurt.

Tonight, I am just missing Jae Lynn Russell and grappling with the knowledge that I may not see her for another 30 years or so.


These verses are from the 33rd and 34th chapter of Psalms in The Message:

I live and breathe God; if things aren't going well, hear this and be happy:
Join me in spreading the news;
Together, let's get the word out:
God met me more than halfway.
He freed me from my anxious fears.

and one of my favorites,..

** Love us God, with all You've got,....that's what we're depending on.