Sunday, August 2, 2009


Insomnia again last night.
Ya know, when I can't sleep, it is usually because I have something on my mind.
Maybe something I've been dealing with in life like kids, church or our scholarship project in Jae's memory.
Maybe it's something which I absolutely should not be worried about such as my farm animals or leaks in my RV when it rains.
And then it is just apt to be something bizarre like "why are my feet cold? OH NO! My circulation must be bad and both feet will have to be amputated in just a few years!"

Usually at 2:00 am, I am determined that I will get up first thing and call Dr. Fendley and get me a sleeping pill. However, then I forget about it until the next time I am awake at 2:00 am.

Last night was different however.
Last night, I was missing Jae Lynn like I have not done in a while.

I recalled the horrific nights where I could not sleep for crying for her.
I recalled the demonic nightmares which tortured me for a while.
I recalled the amazing outpouring of love and friendship which sustained me then and continues to sustain me now.
As I lay there, I recounted the numerous times she appeared at my bedside in the middle of the night.

The longing for her continued throughout the day and I found myself rifling through pictures this afternoon so I could see her face, her smile and her expressions.
I stare at those photographs and recall those moments when those pictures were taken. What would I have thought had I known how I would soon be looking at them?
Incredibly,,... 5 years after....I am filled with disbelief that I had her in our home, in our life, at my bedside and now she is gone.
I've been doing that "shaking my head No" thing again.

Sometimes, seeing her face in pictures brings me comfort.
Today however, they bring a deeper longing for Heaven.

I would not have you ignorant brothers concerning those who are asleep.
You believe in God, believe also in Me.
In My Father's house are many mansions.
If it were not so, I would tell you.
I go to prepare a place for you
so that where I am, there you will be also.
(Becky version)

Signing off now,..the moon is bright and I need to go stare at the night sky.

1 comment:

Amy, a redeemed sheep said...

Oh, dear one...I wish I could give you a hug....

Today, I am meeting with a high-school classmate that I connected with on Facebook. 3 years ago, her 8 year old son died of leukemia. She is not a believer. She said that some people have told her she needs to be over Doug and not be crying so much. I assured her that if I were to lose a child, I would be crying every day for the rest of my life and that she can talk about and cry about Doug all she wanted to with me.

I'm glad you share your heart and pain over the loss of Jae with us. Your sharing is going to help me with my visit with Ruth today.