Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Loving Jae's Soul

I still love Jae Lynn even though her body no longer lives.

How can that be?

When I think of all the wonderful lovely things that I loved about her, I would usually describe her actions, her appearance, her expressions or her whimsical personality traits.

I used to tell her that I knew her better than she knew herself. Us mothers are blessed to be able to truly know our children's heart and soul. However, the truth is, that all of those things were then expressed through her physical body.

I loved her body.
The way her mouth would become crooked when she sang.
Her squishy little muscles.
Her thick blond hair.
Her voice,..ah,....her voice!
I could go on and on about what I love and what I miss.
That, in fact, is so much a part of the pain of grief. We lose the ability to have that precious person with us in our daily lives.

On that terrible day, I lost the ability to care, nurture and love her body.
I faced a unimaginable dilemma:
How do I love Jae Lynn when she doesn't have a physical body?

I am better at it now than I used to be, but I struggle with separation of her body' death and the life of her soul.

I know what made Jae Lynn so wonderful was her soul and it/she/that will live forever.
But I want her body.
I loved it dearly.
I want to see, hear and hold her.

I love her soul.
It lives.
Just as surely as I live and type this post.,...Jae Lynn lives.
In fact, she is probably more alive than I.
But her "soul" doesn't fill her chair at our supper table.
Her soul does not sleep in her bed under my roof.
Her soul does not make an appearance at our family gatherings.

Or does it?

sigh
I wish I understood.

2 comments:

Geidlbots said...

Hi, Becky. I wandered over here from a friend's blog. I just want you to know something that brings me comfort in loss. I believe so strongly that it is true.

God created us--body and soul and spirit. I don't understand how all of that works, but I believe it is a reflection of His image in the Trinity. I also believe that death is horrible--it rends that image--it separates what God intended. But there is mercy in it--we don't have to live forever in a sinful, degenerative state. And, there IS redemption. I think you are a Believer, so I know you're following what I'm saying here. Though her body and soul and spirit are separated, HE will raise up her body--He WILL restore it. He will renew it and make it glorious like Himself. HE will reunite her immaterial body with renewed material body and she will be complete and perfect, lacking nothing. His image in her will be restored.

This is not the end, but you are SO RIGHT to grieve the separation. It grieves Him too. It wasn't how He planned it to go. But thank God for Jesus' restoring work on the Cross! I pray the Holy Spirit brings you great comfort in the midst of your sorrow.

I can imagine how difficult it is to lose a child. I recently had a miscarriage which carries a grief of its own. I will hold my babies a little closer today as I think of you and your sweet girl. All my love, sister.

My EM Photography said...

I miss her more everyday.

-Erica