Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Jae's Hurts, My hurts

Where do feelings like this come from?
Emotionally slammed.

Like July 4th, I was just sitting there, enjoying a patriotic parade in Texas, and a sweet high school cheerleader team from Arlington performed a stunt directly in front of where we sat. They were wonderful and beautiful and had no idea how much pain their impromptu performance brought my way.
Then there's the time a few days ago when I had a rough day at work and decided to run by the cemetery on the way home. By the time I reached Jae's grave, I was sobbing and crawling on my hands and knees,..looking quite insane, I'm sure.
(Note to self: sometimes stress is still handled poorly)

An hour or so ago, Ralph and I raked out a small mountain of leaves from inside our barn. The pile was much too big to move so I decided to burn them right there near the edge of the barn. Just as the fire reached about 120 feet high, I asked him if there was anything priceless inside the barn.

"Nope" he calmly said from the tailgate of our truck.
"All the priceless things to me are not in the barn. You, Casey and Abby are here and Jae's in Heaven. Nothing in the barn matters."

My heart is heavy tonight. I am doing my best to hold back a hissy-fit. I have no idea why and don't really care to figure it out. It just is.

I made up Jae's bed 'cause Abby slept in it last night. Put blankey and mousey on the pillow and looked around at all her stuff. The "gone fishin" picture she drew for us before she walked out the door the last time. Her bulletin board still covered with Christmas decorations and Lauren's, Sam's and Kyle's funeral programs. I have put up some pictures of her around the walls.

Another thing that hangs on her wall is a list of "hurts". It was created by her just a few weeks before her accident.

You see, once Jae became a cheerleader, it seemed that she was forever pulling this tendon, or spraining that joint. There was a constant ache in her back and pain in her head. Tumbling and flying left her bruised and sore almost every single day.

One day, exasperated with the whining, I made her do what my nursing students were required to do for their patients.
"Jae Lynn! Make a list of your problems!
Label them acute or chronic!
And then prioritize them in order of severity!"

Oh man! You should have seen her light up as the idea of expressing herself in such a creative way.
Here is her list exactly as she wrote it:

My Hurts
1-My thumb (acute
2-My lower back (but only in the morning) (chronic)
7-My knee
4-My shoulder muscles between my shoulders
3-My hips (they constantly pop in & out & sometimes get stuck in between & get bruised)
9-Occasionally I get HORRIBLE headaches!
8-my ankle will never lock out. It rolls & hurts (chronic)
5-my wrists pop alot (chronic)

The list is now history.
There are no more hurts for Jae Lynn tonight.
I, however, will never recover from having part of my soul torn away.
The joy in my life is mixed with discontent.
My trust in God is stronger than ever, but,....
Every single day contains the wish that things were different.

To all my fellow pyro-maniacs our there,..I know you are ashamed of me. I burned the leaves with a water hose nearby.
What a weenie.


Shannon said...

WOW! I awoke this morning thinking about the 'Gone Fishing' picture Jae left. I'm sure my thoughts were a promting from God to pray for you. For whatever reason, I did not. BUT...but I will do so through out my day. I love you and I'm glad you used a water hose.

Ace and Rainbow said...

Becky, this is beautiful as all of your thoughts are. Thanks for sharing with others. You (and my mom) are definitely in a club I never want to join but I love and respect the way you keep both keep on keeping on for the kids that are still here!

It was good to see you here in A-town. Give the family hugs from us!