Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Something Is Missing

Last night was the Bereaved Parents annual candlelight remembrance of our children. A mom (or dad) can not come out of a gathering like that with her emotions intact. Mine were pretty much in tatters.
I tend to look all fine on the outside,...but my insides are not always in such good shape. It's not that I always try to hide things. I have no intention to masquerade, it's just the way I am.

I worked today, chatted with patients, answered phone calls, did my usual job.
But something was very different today.
Something is wrong.
Something is missing.

I woke up feeling that way.
Clocked in, wondering if today was the day. (for what?)
All day I checked my cell for missed calls and I anticipated every phone call at work was for me.
Wished I was home.

Lots of ideas about lots of things, but no energy to do more than "think" of them.
I am feeling powerless and and disconnected from my responsibilities.

Today I spoke with the kind woman who "cared" for Jae at the funeral home. This sweet lady cried today as she recalled crying over her small body that day.

My boss asked me today to apply for a job which would increase my work load by about 1100%. The absurdity of the request was only exceeded by my consideration of doing what he asked. Apply for a job which I don't give a hoot about?
Who does things like that?

Sunday, Ralph was up in the attic looking for something and decided to bring down all our Christmas decorations. He knows I've not been into those since before losing Jae, but men don't always think of those things. Had myself a quiet little freak out moment when they slid down the attic ladder, but I tried not to show it. (Casey was holding her breath, I could tell)
The decorations have sat in the hallway ever since. Unopened. We are walking all around them.
He has offered to put them back up. But I'm not sure,....
Why do I make this a big deal?
What's the rules for something like this?

I know there are families of four all over the place. It's good for them. But it just isn't satisfactory for us. Ralph, Casey, Abby and I enjoy each other immensely, but the Ralph Russell family is a family of 5.
We will always wonder "What if Jae were here,.."
Always wishing things were different.

Tonight I drove home slow. In the rain. Radio silent. Brow all furrowed up.
Thinking of Jae.
Her presence.
Her absence.
Our life as it used to be and as it is now.
Her life as it used to be and wondering what it is now.

Something is missing all right.


Myra Johnson said...

Oh, Becky. I understand. Christmas is hard. Benji died on November 1st. At Christmastime, just weeks later, a group of his buddies came by and helped us decorate our Christmas tree. We've done it each year since then. We were a family of six, with 4 boys. Now, there are only 5.
On that first Christmas morning, we drove separate cars to church because we had a friend going with us. I drove alone. As I was pulling out of my driveway, my mind began to wander about what Benji might see on the earth or if he could. I wondered if what I was experiencing was known to him, like looking at the sky or something like that. I drove for quite some time and suddenly-------a GIANT rainbow! Huge! I got out of the car and began photographing the beautiful arc. I really felt in my soul that the rainbow was to confirm in me that what I am experiencing now is known and matters to God. I don't know all the answers, but that rainbow was a Christmas gift to me on the first one without my son here. It was God's gift to me on the first one with my son THERE.
Would Jae want you to have decorations and celebrate Jesus? Maybe you could start with something small and simple. Perhaps a favorite decoration of hers.
Will you still hurt? Severely. I will, too.

Oh, Lord, please hold Becky up above the pain. Focus her eyes on You today. Help her to see how You are working in her life and the lives of her family. Comfort her and her husband and give them peace instead of anxiety. Please calm their hurt. Please use them to help bring healing to others.
In Jesus' Name, Amen

Kendall Jones said...

Becky, I've found your blog. Your writing is beautiful! I'll check back often :)

It was great running into you and Casey the other day. She sure is gorgeous.

Take care...