Waves

One of the best word pictures I received about grief was from a friend who is also my banker. Louise has also buried a child and that makes her my instant friend.
It helps that in my first few days of loss, she responded compassionately to me as I deposited a cashiers check one day, and then tried to deposit the carbon copy of the same check the next day.
She also understood my desperation was more important than her customers on the day when I wouldn't release her hand as she slid some paperwork towards me.
Anyway, Louise told me one time, that her grief was like an ocean tide. There were days when the waves were out to sea and she could view her sadness from a distance. Then there were times, when she waded, ankle-deep in the gentle daily grief. Some days, she was treading neck-deep, sometimes she was drowning. She also said that sometimes, she would be walking along a dry sandy shore and a rogue wave would tumble over her, leaving her tumbling, choking, wet and wondering where the grief came from.

I am missing Jae deeply this week.
Maybe it is because of school getting out,..summer is here. Graduation ceremonies she never had. Jobs she will never hold. Vacations she will never take.

It could be that I am looking through the scholarship applications for several beautiful wonderful kids. A scholarship which exists because Jae Lynn has been killed.

Maybe I miss her because I found her cards and letters that she has given to me over the years. Seeing her handwriting and notes to me reminds me that Jae Lynn was here.

Maybe I miss her because the night sky is beautiful and the moon is casting a silvery glow on the house, barn and yard where she played and partied. Full moon nights make me feel closer to her.

Maybe because during these nights when I am outside, I hear the whippoorwills again. They haven't spent a season here since,......she and I listened to them together a couple of weeks before....you know....

It made me miss Jae Lynn when Alicia's friend came and spent some time in our living room last night visiting Casey. He was very close to Alicia and he wondered if I "knew who he was". It touched me that he is still so profoundly impacted by Alicia's absence. He talked with reverence.
There probably are a hundred others who feel the same way about all three girls.

This morning, as we have many times before, Louise and I spoke as I conducted my banking business. We talked about this and that,...and then I asked her: "How are you".
Asking that question is really just a way to say,.."I understand."
She and I parted as we usually do,...both of us quiet, pensive and misty-eyed.

As I navigate this rogue wave of grief, I am reminded that my healing has come from focusing my mind and my heart on Heaven. Our last day/week of my Bible study encourages me to look for the glorious in the middle of our daily circumstances. The pain of life can distract us from watching and remembering that God has a plan for all of this.

The great thing about God is that He knows we are prone to sit in the pain rather than seek Him.
Thank Heavens He does not leave us there, but constantly calls us to follow Him.

I'm tryin,..I'm tryin... I'm tryin.....