Sunday, June 7, 2009

Good Plans

Got my girls on my mind.

She's at a new church camp (Camp Windemere in Missouri) which our church has never gone to before. She didn't much want to go to this one because she's enjoyed Mission-Fuge so much the past few years. Levi, bless his heart, put up with intense pressure from the teens to switch camps and go back to Mission-fuge for the millionth year.
Since when did the kids get to thinking they could pick their own church camp?
Did you get to choose your church camp?
When you and I were kids, we went out and got on the bus to go wherever we were told to go.

Anyway. I want her to come back a world-changer.
That was my "charge" to her. "Make 100 new friends and come back as a world-changer."
That's a good plan.
I think I'll try to do that myself this week.

I'm also worried about
She's done an extreme amount of growing up during these weeks in North Carolina. Ralph and I can just tell she is thinking differently than she has before. I've been scared to death, but still am confident that this trip has been a good thing for her.
She's still a server and evidently the Texas Roadhouse in North Carolina does not do the same business as here in Arkansas. She'd starve to death on the money she is making there. Last night, a group of 24 (TWENTY FOUR) women came in and as company policy dictates, Casey had to ask if she could put the automatic gratuity on the tab.
This particular large group said "No".
The grown-up mean girls left her $4.
I have prayed terrible things on each one of their heads.

She is also dealing with roommates that are trying to raise her rent, they smoke weed daily, drink beer for breakfast, lunch and dinner and... AAANNNNDDD.... they have that inside cat.
I told her that it was just too too much.
Just too much.
Under no circumstances should she ever live with a cat!

She passed a yard sale the other day and bought a surf board.
That'll be way useful in Fayetteville. (hee hee)

I think since her good friends on the Razorback Baseball Team have now made it to the college world series, she just may leave N.C. and her Craig's list roommates and head to Omaha to watch them play.
That's a good plan.
Maybe I'll try to do that too.

Jae Lynn
is never out of my mind.
It's like I'm living life with a large black spot in my vision.
No matter which direction I look, I see it everywhere I turn.
Life is certainly good, but it also feels very wrong.
A deep nagging dissatisfaction.
I want to know Jae Lynn as an adult.
I don't want to go on vacation without her.
I wanted my future family get-togethers to be of three daughters with three sons-in-laws.
I wanted to take care of her children.
Instead I must picture her in Heaven, which is still such a mystery to me.
How can she be "gone" from here?
Where is "there"?

Can you imagine your child "gone" and "there"?
You can not.
It's my reality, yet I can't comprehend it.

Now that's a good plan.
"As for me, I will see Your face in righteousness;
I shall be satisfied only when I awake in Your likeness"
Psalm 17:15


Koningskind said...

What a wonderfull post about your three daughters.
Jae Lynn will always be a special member of your family. Even if she is not there physically, she is so vivid in your mind. The pain you describe is not to explain to people who did not lose their child. It made me feeling quite lonely inspite of all the efforts of friends to be there for me in the time after my son's death.
But we may know that we will see our children again and that then there will be no more tears, no more grief and no more pain.

God bless you.

Sara said...

I can relate so much Becky. It is so hard to understand that our children are gone. It is so strange to me to only have two girls running around me. There should be three! I think all the time, "What would Abby be doing"? It is so hard and I just wanted you to know... I do understand.
-Sara (BPA meetings)

Beth D said...

I can imagine, though I can't comprehend.

I love you.